Wife May Want Another Child - I Don't

oystercatcher

This thread brings back memories of when my boys were little. I was tired and exhausted and suffering from undiagnosed depression.Also we had medical reasons not to have any more children. As two of my four pregnancies had been accidental it seemed there was no choice other than vasectomy, we had tried most methods of contraception and none was ideal. I booked XH in for a vasectomy and he had it quite quickly. I regretted it from the word go even though it had been me booking the operation.

Depression alters the way you think and feel and it could be that your wife has a little glimmer of hope of a happy life ahead which may involve another child. Even though it may never happen the fact that it's there could be keeping her going. To remove this little fantasy would maybe make her depression worse even though you both acknowledge that now is not the time to have a baby.

Equally it's putting pressure on you as you just see that tiny chance of pregnancy as another few years of exhaustion and problems. It sounds to me that OP is himself somewhat depressed and exhausted due to all the pressure on him.

I think for the moment the answer would be a reliable method of contraception that you don't have to think about. The mirena coil is supposed to be as effective as being sterilised but I must admit I found the small amount of progesterone it released didn't help with my depression. It might be worth a try though as it's so effective but also reversible if neccesary. To go ahead with a vasectomy while your wife is feeling like this is not going to help the situation unless she can be really sure that this is what she really wants.

Counselling for you both would help sort out some of your feelings in a neutral enviroment.

I really hope life improves for you both very soon

Oystercatcher

sooz

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

So I would consider something like Persona. Or condoms I guess. Or abstinence.

Please don't consider this! As a persona user of nearly 10 years, I would not recommend it to anyone who was certain that they did not want more children at the moment.

I have 2 persona babies (and know many others too). They are very much wanted, just arrived a little ahead of schedule

Nicki

EMcG wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. Nicki, I have done as you have suggested. But my wife says "What's the point? You've already made up you're mind and that isn't going to change."

That sounds like the kind of thing I might have said when I had PND. Which doesn't help you much I know.

Is your wife's counsellor quite good and does she have a good relationship of trust with them? Would it be possible to suggest a few joint sessions with that counsellor solely to discuss this issue? If your wife is still so ill, it seems very unlikely that any medical professional would be advising her to try to conceive again right this minute, so I would imagine that they would support you in a suggestion that you both postpone the decision until she is feeling better. From my own experience, sometimes it was easier to hear things like this from a neutral third party. Whilst the issue might still bob up from time to time, you can point to the fact that you haven't had the vasectomy, so no doors have been closed, and reaffirm the commitment to consider the issue again when she is fully better.

I'm not sure if it helps or not to know that 1 year into my PND I thought quite strongly that I wanted another child and we should start trying again. I was persuaded by doctors not to do so at that point due to the meds I was on. When it lifted though I felt even more strongly that I didn't want another child as I didn't want to go through all that again. Five years post PND my husband raised the possibility of another one, and I was ready to consider it then, though the idea didn't start with me. So, if it helps at all, what your wife wants now is not necessarily what she will want when the depression lifts, and you aren't necessarily doomed to be having this conversation forever or facing the end of your marriage over it.

onlyroz

While it should be the ultimate decision of the man about whether to have a vasectomy, just as the ultimate decision about whether to have an abortion should be with the woman, I think that if a mutual decision cannot be reached between both parties then the relationship is on rocky grounds.

So yes, the OP is perfectly entitled to go ahead with a vasectomy against his wife's wishes, as it is his body, but I do think that it would be selfish to do so without considering his wife's reasons for not wanting him to do it. Just the same as if a woman wanted an abortion but her partner did not want her to go through with it. Sure, the woman has the final decision, but surely she would be selfish not to consider the father's feelings on the matter?

EMcG

Thanks again. I think I will suggest another joint session with the thearpist who seems very good and has seemed to make my wife's approach to life a little 'calmer' in the last few months.

I do tell my wife how worn out I am by everything - but she takes this as me blaming her. Which I'm not, of course.

Anything I say seems to make things worse - so then you end up not communicating.

I should point out that most of the time we are a happy couple despite all we've been through.

I should also point out that my wife suffered from depression/BPD for years before we even met.

Nicki

EMcG wrote: »

I should point out that most of the time we are a happy couple despite all we've been through.

Good luck!

We were a happy couple pre-PND too, and when we came out the other side were even stronger. I really learned the hard way what a good man my OH was and a tower of strength, and he says he learned how much he missed me when I was "gone" and how pleased he was to have me back.

You don't come across at all as though you are blaming your wife, or like the kind of man who would have a vasectomy against her wishes. It is natural to privately feel a bit battered by the whole experience though, so don't feel bad if you do.

Hope you can get over or around this one.

zekepes

We have pretty much decided to stop at one, too.

If my OH said he was going for a vasectomy though I am absolutely certain that having another child would suddenly become much more attractive.

Maybe we all keep in our head the fantasy life we imagined when growing up. I certainly never thought I would have one child - it was always two or three. Maybe your wife feels the same way, even though she and you have clearly been through a great deal having a child. Maybe just the idea of having another child, and it all being normal next time, helps her move forward. I cannot say I suffered anything as traumatic as you have with my child but I certainly didn't enjoy it was much as I thought I should. I still have a little fantasy, now and again, of having another with all my new 'wisdom'. Then reality kicks in and I realise that I am actually very content with just one.

This is SO tough. I can definately sympathise with your wife and with you. It does not sound like now is a great time to have this done. As your wife is depressed this could simply be too large a decision finalise now, even though it sounds like she doesn't really want more children anyway.