why would he DO this ?? treat us this way..

BartGirl

rls1973 wrote: »

sounds like he's passive-aggressive: the mind games, the 'push you-pull you' crap, etc etc, sorry for you going through this.

try reading this book, it will all become clearer

http://www.amazon.com/Living-Passive-Aggressive-Man-Scott-Wetzler/dp/0671870742

and google 'passive aggressive' you will find loads of links/support groups etc. to help you know what to do.

I'm definetly going to do this - never heard of this before..

jinky67

conradmum wrote: »

He's just trying to manipulate you. While he's behaving like this he knows that you'll be thinking about him, worrying about what's wrong. He'll be very quick to blame you for his unacceptable behaviour. Nothing you do will be right - if you ignore him he'll be angry, if you ask him what's wrong he'll let fly at you. Been there, done that and got the T-shirt!

Be wary of claims of being depressed. My ex used to do this too. He wasn't so depressed he couldn't get up the energy to rant and rave at me for hours about what a terrible person I was and how I was ruining our relationship and his life. This doesn't sound like depression to me, just emotional blackmail and manipulation.

Move on, my dear, move on. For your sake and your child's.

:T :T :T :T
I have a friend who at the moment is dealing with exactly this kind of carp:o
She is still willing for it to work....I hope she sees sense eventually
BartGirl...good on you for setting the ball rolling:A
People like this never change and it is all about power:rolleyes:
:lovethoug to you

liney

He does it for the same reason he cheated on you in an earlier post - because you allow his behavior and keep forgiving him.

If you are just going to sit and let him treat you like this, why bother asking us why he does it? It won't make any difference if you know why, because you will still let him carry on.

BartGirl

PasturesNew wrote: »

Thinking it through, I think it could be one of a few things:
1] He could be an 4rse
2] He could be depressed. Could have woken up one morning and thought his life was over and he never has any fun and his job is dragging endlessly on. Maybe he feels at home he's just seen as the worker-bee and isn't getting any attention from you. Maybe it's a cry for help.
3] Maybe he wants out of the relationship and daren't call it off so is being horrid so you do it

So, solutions:
1] Tell him to sort himself out or you'll pack his bags and throw him a Goodbye Dinner next Friday
2] Make sure you're doing things for him. Asking him how his day was (and listening to his reply). Find some different/non-routine things to do (preferably just the two of you). Make some "us" time
3] Just call it off and let him walk away.

So, try [2] first for a month. Make things different at home. Get the kids/house regimented, cook his favourite dinner, ask him how his day was and listen, let him choose the TV programmes/snuggle with him while watching them, buy him a small treat at the shops and tell him it's because you love him so much.

After a month, if he's still an 4rse, then try [1] and [3]

Thanks for your suggestions but i daren't do [1] incase he turns on me

[2] i have tried this in the distant past but it just wore me out to TBH. He is constantly demanding of "us" time whereas I keep having to remind him that we're a family now and i simply love doing family things whereas he views things like half-hour in the park is a chore..he gets bored very easily. If i organise a day trip like Thorpe Park - he drags his feet - he just is constantly trying to palm DS off onto whoever/whenever/wherever.. it upsets and disguts me TBH and so if he suggests an evening out minus the child i dont feel the desire to spend time with him in that way cos of the way he's treated me and his son.

[3] he's threatened to leave on several occasions, but never has..just ranted and raved about 'i'm gonna pack and get out of here; i've had enough' in some ways i wish he would..

BartGirl

liney wrote: »

If you are just going to sit and let him treat you like this, why bother asking us why he does it? It won't make any difference if you know why, because you will still let him carry on.

Thanks liney for this kind, considerate input.

You dont know me or my situation in its entirety so i'd appreciate it if you didnt make assumptions..
As i said earlier on I am receiving assistance from Womens Aid and the balls rolling in that area..

I was merely asking a Question..like i'd said: preferably from someone who understands this tpe of behaviour OR an ex-abuser

cobbingstones

Bat girl,

Well done for starting the ball rolling, this must of taking a lot of strenght.

Get out and start on the right road in life. You and your child are worth sooo much more than this.

Very best to you xxxxx

MM

blueday1

Hi Bart Girl

It is never easy in a situation such as yours. Having worked within the mental health field, there are many types of people out their. People who abuse in such a way are often suffering from very low self esteem and the only way they can feel better about themselves is to make someone else "take the blame" for what they do - it is never their fault, you "said - did - spent - went etc" to justify to thenselves what they are doing is the right thing.

You have to do what is best for you and your little one. The WA is a good starting place.

Abuse of ANY sort is never ever justified - it is bullying.

I wish you well and I hope that things work out very quickly for you.

You do have the strength - it will amaze you! And it doesn't matter what anyone else says ( eg inlaws) until they step in your shoes they cannot understand how hard things can be.

My gran used to say listen to everyones advice then do what is best for you!

lindens

BartGirl wrote: »

You've just described OH to a 'T'... and i also suspect that things'll end up that way for us too.. I'll ask for a split and he goes off to his family like its all my fault. Although they do know about his odd behaviour cos he does it to them too and they're getting fed up of him now

Good luck and I wouln't waste any energy worrying about what his family think of you

Magpye

Argh, this reminds me so much of my ex... fortunately I was never in the position where I was living with him but he kept pushing for it. He always had to be the centre of attention and if I did anything 'without' him he would go off in a strop. In the end I dumped him because he was little more than an overgrown petulant child, trying to control me by commanding my attention all the time and becoming abusive/threatening harm to himself if I did not run after his every whim.

I would say tell the loser to sling his hook. Go back to your family. They will likely be far less eager to gloat than you imagine - my family were simply relieved that I didn't want anything more to do with him.

shell_girl

RedBern wrote: »

think back to when you first knew him - how did he behave then? If his behaviour now is totally different then perhaps he is depressed - otherwise it may be that he's just another immature bloke who wants his own way all the time.

Hi RedBern,
I have to differ I'm afraid. The majority of perpetrators of Domestic Abuse are charming, loving and generous at the beginning of a relationship. This is why people enter into relationships with them in the first place.

The majority of Domestic Abuse can be described as a gradual transgression of boundaries- so gradual that the person being abused can't always see when the behaviour changes. An example- a perpetrator of financial abuse may say 'I'll take care of the money because it's one less thing for you to worry about'. It seems caring nd generous. Six months later they may say 'I'll decide how much money we spend on certain things because I'm used to doing it- I don't think you'd manage'. Fast forward a couple of years and they have complete financial control over the household and their partner may have no idea how much money they are earning/spending as a couple, and certainly no access to finances, perhaps having to ask/beg for money to do the family food shop. The person being abused will not know when things have become so controlling, and it's happened in such small steps that there never seemed any point complaining- as each step was just ever so slightly more abusive.

It's the same with physical violence- a violent partner will usually not assault their partner in the first few months- when it hapens it might be a slap 'because you wound me up so much'. They may be forgiven as it was a 'one off' The next time it happens the violent partner may say 'but you know what happens when you wind me up that much- I can't help it'. Again before you know it violence is a part of the relationship and the abused partner accepts further and further transgressions because each time it's only slightly worse- and they didn't complain last time so why now...

I terms of why the OP's partner does it... many possible reasons. One of the best ways at understanding abuse is the Freedom Programme- it looks at patterns of abusive behaviours including the thought processes and beliefs of abusive partners.

Hope you're ok BartGirl.