why would he DO this ?? treat us this way..

RedBern

think back to when you first knew him - how did he behave then? If his behaviour now is totally different then perhaps he is depressed - otherwise it may be that he's just another immature bloke who wants his own way all the time. Take care of yourself and your little one - do what is best for you two. I'm sure your family won't say 'told you so' (well not immediately;)) and will just want you to be safe/happy. Go to them for help and support.

conradmum

He's just trying to manipulate you. While he's behaving like this he knows that you'll be thinking about him, worrying about what's wrong. He'll be very quick to blame you for his unacceptable behaviour. Nothing you do will be right - if you ignore him he'll be angry, if you ask him what's wrong he'll let fly at you. Been there, done that and got the T-shirt!

Be wary of claims of being depressed. My ex used to do this too. He wasn't so depressed he couldn't get up the energy to rant and rave at me for hours about what a terrible person I was and how I was ruining our relationship and his life. This doesn't sound like depression to me, just emotional blackmail and manipulation.

Move on, my dear, move on. For your sake and your child's.

RustyFlange

Poppy9 wrote: »

Why are you letting him behave this way? Stop being a victim and tell him to shape up or ship out.

If you are worried about what your/his family will think tell them now how he's behaving so they are aware of what's going on.

How can you say that? It is NEVER that easy to do this! whether you are new to behaviour like this or an old pro! If the OP was to say that to him he could then turn violent ...

I was in a mentally abusive relationship for 2 years, eventually he snapped and hit me i ignored this put it down to him being drunk, then 2 weeks later on my birthday he beat me up and went to throw my son down the stairs, no matter how much pain I was in I fought through it to get my son out of his arms and into the safety of a locked bedroom, I then had to live in that house for 4 weeks before I could find somewhere else to live. So no I am sorry but you cannot just say shape up or ship out!

Good luck Batgirl, stay strong .... xxx

Pink_butterfly_3

Why would he do this? Because hes an @sshole.

Get out get out, and start enjoying life. I know how you feel, as I have been in a similar relationship and the relief that you feel when hes finally out of your life is immense.

I hear 'depression' bandied around this forum far too much as an excuse to treat your OH like crap. Just get out before he totally destroys all your self-confidence.

Poppy9

RustyFlange wrote: »

How can you say that? It is NEVER that easy to do this! whether you are new to behaviour like this or an old pro! If the OP was to say that to him he could then turn violent ...

I was in a mentally abusive relationship for 2 years, eventually he snapped and hit me i ignored this put it down to him being drunk, then 2 weeks later on my birthday he beat me up and went to throw my son down the stairs, no matter how much pain I was in I fought through it to get my son out of his arms and into the safety of a locked bedroom, I then had to live in that house for 4 weeks before I could find somewhere else to live. So no I am sorry but you cannot just say shape up or ship out!

Good luck Batgirl, stay strong .... xxx

Your post says it all. What should I tell the OP? Oh stay with him until he turns violent and then get out?

Life is not a rehearsal, this is it. Her OH is treating her like this because she is allowing it. I don't see why she should have to leave the family home, I would tell him to go. The OP says he hasn't been violent and there is no reason to believe he will so she could be safe staying in the house. If she feels she isn't safe then of course she should move out.

One of my sisters lives with a mentally (and previously physically) abusive husband. No matter what people told her she stayed and said it was her life and she was happy . Almost 30 years later they are still together and the violence has subsided (I think, I don't see the bruises anymore). She puts his moods down to depression! He has such a hold on her but she has allowed this to happen and she knows this. The cost to her is her health. She is in her late 40s and registered disabled and now feels dependent on her OH as she feels no one else will want with all her problems and that she is too old to start again. Over the years we, her family, begged her to get out with her children but she wouldn't budge.

The OP seems to be facing upto what her OH is doing and IMO wants people to reassure her that getting out of the relationship is the right thing. It is the right thing.

Poppy9

BartGirl wrote: »

Its not that easy.

No it won't be easy but you've started the journey by posting here. You are strong enough to do it.

His family would always take his side - i know what they're like

- so what? Dump their son and dump them:T

My family never like him from the start; it would be a case of 'i told you so'

I know you may think that, but speaking from experience I think they would just be so pleased that you have had the strength to get out.

and i'm not strong enough to deal with that right now

. The strength is there inside you and in front of you i.e. your son. Children learn rules of behaviour from their parents.

PasturesNew

Thinking it through, I think it could be one of a few things:
1] He could be an 4rse
2] He could be depressed. Could have woken up one morning and thought his life was over and he never has any fun and his job is dragging endlessly on. Maybe he feels at home he's just seen as the worker-bee and isn't getting any attention from you. Maybe it's a cry for help.
3] Maybe he wants out of the relationship and daren't call it off so is being horrid so you do it

So, solutions:
1] Tell him to sort himself out or you'll pack his bags and throw him a Goodbye Dinner next Friday
2] Make sure you're doing things for him. Asking him how his day was (and listening to his reply). Find some different/non-routine things to do (preferably just the two of you). Make some "us" time
3] Just call it off and let him walk away.

So, try [2] first for a month. Make things different at home. Get the kids/house regimented, cook his favourite dinner, ask him how his day was and listen, let him choose the TV programmes/snuggle with him while watching them, buy him a small treat at the shops and tell him it's because you love him so much.

After a month, if he's still an 4rse, then try [1] and [3]

LittleTinker

It doesnt matter "why"......"why does he do this"

Even if it did matter and you knew the answer, it wouldnt change the fact that it is happening.

The most important thing for you to remember is that no-one.....NO-ONE... has any control over your life except for you!!

Yes, you can take another persons feelings into consideration and yes, loving relationships offer compromises however, that doesnt take away your choices and your control.

Put yourself and your kids first. They need you and they need you to be happy.

RustyFlange

Poppy9 wrote: »

Your post says it all. What should I tell the OP? Oh stay with him until he turns violent and then get out?

Life is not a rehearsal, this is it. Her OH is treating her like this because she is allowing it. I don't see why she should have to leave the family home, I would tell him to go. The OP says he hasn't been violent and there is no reason to believe he will so she could be safe staying in the house. If she feels she isn't safe then of course she should move out.

One of my sisters lives with a mentally (and previously physically) abusive husband. No matter what people told her she stayed and said it was her life and she was happy . Almost 30 years later they are still together and the violence has subsided (I think, I don't see the bruises anymore). She puts his moods down to depression! He has such a hold on her but she has allowed this to happen and she knows this. The cost to her is her health. She is in her late 40s and registered disabled and now feels dependent on her OH as she feels no one else will want with all her problems and that she is too old to start again. Over the years we, her family, begged her to get out with her children but she wouldn't budge.

The OP seems to be facing upto what her OH is doing and IMO wants people to reassure her that getting out of the relationship is the right thing. It is the right thing.

No not at all, do not tell her to sit back and await the violence, however if she told him something like shape up or ship out that could make him turn violent! Have you thought that maybe batgirl is posting on here for advice and a way to go about it in the best way? she has already said that things are in place for her to get out.

Stephb1986_2

please get out! its not worth the heart ache

men are just !!!!!! not all of them!

please please please just get out.

Steph xx