leaving an abusive relationship ...where do I start?

1sue23

dizzydolly wrote: »

yes ,thats the thing ,I have threatened to leave a few times but never have ,so he thinks I havent got the nerve ,he will get the shock of his life when I do, the stupid thing is I will feel slightly guilty about it even though I know its ridiculous, we have had some good times together and deep down there is a really nice bloke ,its just the jekyll and hyde thing, I cant be doing with it any more.

Of cause he wants you to feel guilty because he is trying to shift the blame on to you so it is an excuse to go drinking .It is called the poor me trait tell him go back to the AA or shut the door on your way out,dont come back and this time MEAN IT .

LittleTinker

dizzydolly wrote: »

Ive tried that a couple of times and piled furniture at the back of the door ,unfortunatley he took the whole lock off the door and got back in ,hes clever like that .

I cant kick him out of the house as theres no way I could afford it also I want to get back to yorks where all my friends and family are.

First thing you need to do is stop making excuses.

You are making excuses as to why you cant leave or why he cant leave.

If you threw him out and got a court order he cannot come back in. You will be able to afford it.......you need to check out your entitlements.

If you are wanting to stay together, but only if hes sober, then you need an ultimatum. And stick to it. There are ways and means......but only if thats what you really want.

Perhaps, (as an alanon) you are a little too caught up in the drama at the moment.

Take a step back and have a good long think about where you want to go next.

You can do anything......you just need to find a little courage to stick to your guns

harrassedmum

As someone else has said, abuse does not have to be physical. Nobody has the right to put you through this! I was in a very similar situation, the first thing to do is immediatley find yourself a good family lawyer and I am sure you would be entitled to leagal aid. You and your children need to be in a safe enviroment. I will tell you its not easy but it gets easier. What your kids see and hear now will effect and shape their future and that is why you have to break this cycle now, for them and you. I am five years further down the line than you, I kept the house (with the help of a good solicitor) and myself and my kids are much happier even though its been tough. I also got very good advice from CAB about benefits etc. You are in a situation were I think you dont have any choice but to take steps to protect both you and the kids. Good luck and I am sure once you start taking control you will be much happier.

yoni_one

dizzydolly wrote: »

yes ,thats the thing ,I have threatened to leave a few times but never have ,so he thinks I havent got the nerve ,he will get the shock of his life when I do, the stupid thing is I will feel slightly guilty about it even though I know its ridiculous, we have had some good times together and deep down there is a really nice bloke ,its just the jekyll and hyde thing, I cant be doing with it any more.

What you are going through is absolutely normal, head telling you one thing but heart reminding you of better times pulling at the guilt strings.

The cycle of abuse requires for there to be good times as well as abuse giving targets of abuse something to hang on to and want to stay or feel guilted into staying in the relationship.

You know you have nothing to feel guilty about but you still feel guilty, it makes no sense but nevertheless that is how it is.

If at all possible I would urge you to attend the Freedom Programme. If you contact your local Women's Aid refuge to find out about the one nearest to you (found on the website www.womensaid.org.uk) it will address all of these feelings you are experiencing and help you manage them and look at things from different angles. Many women who have attended in our area have fed back to us that is has been truly lifechanging and you don't need to be in a refuge to attend.

It is little wonder you are feeling so confused, but I promise you there is professional support out there who, if nothing else, will listen to you and not judge you. If you want advice they will be able to offer it but you wont have to follow it and they can still continue to support you as the support offered is centered around the needs of the woman as defined by her, not by the support worker.

If you need any further information or clarification please pm me.