leaving an abusive relationship ...where do I start?

blue_monkey_2

Sharlee wrote: »

I've just read this thread and as a DV worker I have to say that some of the info is now out of date, things have changed. Also, situations are different in different areas, especially regarding housing So best bet is to contact your local women's aid or DV service who will give you the best advice.

But just to say well done for deciding to take action and get all the support you can. Please keep us posted and let us know how you are.

Regards
Sharlee

Sharlee,

Maybe you can post the up to date information for other women who might be reading this when they manage to sneak 5 minutes to find out how they can get away from a like of abuse. It would be helpful if you could explain some more rather than just saying it is out of date. I am sure that you ca see that would be disappointing if the OP came across it and thinks that more help might not be available.

OP, wishing you all the best for the future, this is the best thing you could ever have done for you and your children. I have been in your shoes with my parents and then myself into a relationship and people rarely change (I agre that they do sometimes) but he clearly thinks that this life is normal for him and I think that it has been too long for it to change him. If you want to try again take everything with a pinch of salt until you can see a difference and remember, he was dry for 9 months before he gave in so do not consider going back until you can be sure he has this problem under control.

Our local council does give priority to families such as yours so give yours a call and ask to speak to someone in the housing team and they will speak to you about housing you in a hostel and then elsewhere somewhere safe.

If you do not have access to a phone then speak to someone else such as a doctor and ask them to help you. I know how hard it is, I was not allowed anywhere alone, not even to the doctors surgery, and I was not even allowed to look at anyone while walking in the street - let alone using a telephone to call someone for help. Your husband goes out to work so I am thinking you can probably get to a phone or appointment during the day.

Good luck and please keep in touch even if nothing is going on, we will all be thinking of you now.

Our thoughts are with you.

scottish_lassy

Hello Dizzydolly
Making the decision is the hardest part - believe me. Ultimatums DO NOT work with alcoholics!! You owe it to your children to protect them from his emotional abuse. I work with children who live in households with substance abuse and all I can say is, if you want to show them how to respect themselves and have a decent, productive future, you need to take action. Be prepared for bribary, suicide threats, stalking - alcoholics will resort to all sorts!! Got the t-shirt!! Women's Aid are good at helping you through the practical issues and you can contact them before you leave and they will help you with a plan of action. Al-anon may help you come to terms with some of the emotional stuff that has been, and will be thrown at you.

If you can, whenever you go to visit family or friends take photographs to be stored (can't be replaced like clothes etc) and also birth certificates etc

Best of luck

angel81uk

dizzydolly wrote: »

thankyou everyone ,youre all so kind ,Ive got a tear in my eye.

theres lots of information here that I can use ,Ill keep you up to date with any news if possible.

I'm so glad to hear you'll keep posting here as and when you can. There's a lot of support on this forum and almost always someone here to talk to. But do be prepared for this thread to be moved/deleted. I've seen it happen to a few similar threads recently because they're not related to money saving. If that happens the thread will probably end up in the money savers arms, so don't panic if you log in one day and it's disappeared! Just come over to the arms and we'll pick up where we left off.

It is important to surround yourself with supportive people at a time like this. Although your family aren't nearby do they know what you're going through and how you feel? Do you have friends you can speak to? Don't be ashamed to talk about this with them but do be careful who you speak to. You don't want news of your plans to get back to your partner so do be careful and be wary of joint friends. If you just disappear one day and don't get in touch with people until a few months later they will understand!

Also be careful of how much you tell your children. You might feel want to prepare them for what is going to happen but don't tell them your plans until you absolutely have to. Although it's going to be hard for them to be whisked away in a rush without prior warning you've got to keep yourselves safe. Children have a habit of talking to their friends, they only have to tell one friend who goes home and tells their parents who then tells someone else and before long your partner finds out. You say your partner has never been physically violent but you just don't know how he would react if he found out you were planning on leaving.

Just keep yourself safe and keep on focusing on how good you will all feel once this is over. No matter how hard things get you've got to remember you are a strong person, you have to be to have got this far!

zztopgirl

Sharlee wrote: »

I've just read this thread and as a DV worker I have to say that some of the info is now out of date, things have changed. Also, situations are different in different areas, especially regarding housing So best bet is to contact your local women's aid or DV service who will give you the best advice.

But just to say well done for deciding to take action and get all the support you can. Please keep us posted and let us know how you are.

Regards
Sharlee

If i rewound to over 10 years ago, and i read this message, i would be even more afraid to leave, i was convinced the refuge would turn me away as it was.

Sharlee, please can you share this new information with us, seconding Blue_monkey. Yes, different rules can and do apply to different areas, especially regarding housing, but if you can clarify if thats what you mean, you may be helping a lot more people than just the op.

There is a helpful page regarding being rehoused on the women's aid website.

jen_jen_2

housing benefit has recently had new rules which may help you with planning.

There is a set figure in each area of how much they will pay depending on the size of your family. These figures should be on your local authorities website and may help you find private landlord knowing how much benefit you will receive.

i think the best advice is to get some support from your local advice/DV agency. dont go through this alone as they will help you to resolve issues you ahvent even thought of yet. Benefits advice is particular to each person and their circumstances get support and information to plan your leaving to achieve the best results for you and your family.

best wishes and good on you.

Eager_Elephant

Hi

I give Money Advice in refuges and so know a few things but probably not as much as Sharlee.

The details of who to contact are mentioned in posts above, the refuge I go to is Women's Aid. Many women come from miles away, it is uncommon to go to your nearest one as your husband may be able to find you.
If you are ready to leave then ring Women's Aid and talk through your concerns, they will be able to advise if they can help.
If you do decide to leave you will be offered accomodation where ever there is a room spare to fit your family so you might be housed in say London even though you come from Yorkshire.

Once you are at the refuge you will be assisted to claim benefits, the value of your house is excluded in the calculation for Income Support for up to 26 weeks if you are estranged from your former partner/husband. Once Income Support is in place you will receive Housing Benefit for the refuge. There will be a small amount to pay each week which are called ineligible services but the amount is easily affordable to people on Income Support.

You will also need to claim Child Tax Credit and make sure the Child Benefit is in your name.
They will also make sure you have a bank account of some description.

Once you are in the Refuge you have to decide where you want to live, you then contact the council in that area and complete a housing application. You then have to be assessed to see if you are intentionally homeless or not, if you are not intentionally homeless you will be added to the waiting list until a house becomes available. Obviously in some areas they will be in short supply and you may be waiting months so you may need to private rent.

Once you are rehoused from the hostel they will offer resettlement support. I'm not sure how long this is for.

If however you just want to leave and rent your own place then you will obviously need a deposit and a months rent up front.

Again you will need to claim Income Support .etc. In the 6 months you have before they take into account the value of your house you will need to see a solicitor to force a sale if you have any interest in the property.

Decide which area you want to love in and find the local council website, on the website will be info on Local Housing Allowance which is the new name for Housing Benefit for private tenants after 7/4/08. You will need to work out how many bedrooms you need in your situation and then go to the chart and it will show how much Housing Benefit you will get and then you can start looking at properties to rent which will be in your price range.

I hope I have explained this ok but if you have more questions fire away. I expect loads of people have posted while I have been typing.

EE

alyth

Dizzydoll, having just separated from my partner of 13 years I can offer you no support with regards to moving out or financial matters, what I can offer you is a ((hug)) of which I have been offered loads tonight. And believe me, it's made a huge difference to my life. I've always been a lurker on these boards, and posted about feeling sad because OH had walked out on me - keep posting, sweetie, there will always be someone out there for you, with practical advice, with hugs, no doubt as you live in Skegness someone here will be near to you, I'm unfortunately in Scotland so I doubt I can do much for you, my advice to you would be no matter how stupid you think you are, you are not, you have coped for 13 years with two children who no doubt think the world of you for coping as you do. I've come across a very humilating experience tonight and it's one of always wondering what sort of person would put their person life on the internet - I've become one of those people and have advice like you wouldn't believe - we are all here for you in some way, like I say those virtual hugs I received tonight made me stop crying as I had been doing for over 4 hours, and given me support and assistance as I've never know.

Sharlee

Hello again all,

Firstly, it is really difficult to advise here without knowing all the details. Every situation is unique having different needs and risks involved. I can only speak from my knowledge of my own area, I work in a London borough where there is a huge pressure on housing and as such you will not be rehoused unless you have evidence of recent, physical abuse e.g. crime reference numbers or hospital reports. Most often, the housing department will contact the police to ask if it is safe for you to return home (since when did the police decide on housing matters?). If so and if you fulfill their criteria (which is of their own making) they will usually send you to a refuge where you will have a six-month stay (maximum contract) before the local authority will accept you as homeless. In fact, all local authorities have been ordered by central government to cut their spending on temporary accommodation by 50% by 2010, they are doing this by not accepting families as homeless! The situation has got so bad that my colleague is looking for a firm of solicitors that is prepared to challenge the local authority in court for their non-adherence to housing legislation. If you are accepted as possibly homeless because you are fleeing domestic violence, you will be housed in emergency accommodation while they assess your case and you should have an answer within about six weeks. This accommodation is likely to be unsuitable and substandard. If they do accept you as homeless then you will be place in temporary accommodation where you will most probably remain for 2-3 years before you obtain permanent accommodation.

Alternatively, and this is what the local authority will push you to do, is find private accommodation, if you can find a landlord that will accept housing benefit tenants, although the council may have a list of private landlords. Also, if pushed, they may provide you with the deposit and month's rent in advance. Most local authorities have budgets for this, but, of course, these do run out or they won't tell you about it.

However, I usually advise my clients to avoid private renting as the rent is usually double that of social housing which is fine while you are claiming housing and council tax benefit but when you want to return to work, it will be difficult to find work to cover your costs and have a decent standard of living (if you remain a single parent). So it's dependence on the state or a man! Also you do not have security of tenure.

I realise this is a bleak picture and I have stated the worst case scenario but I am a realist and there are a lot of positives to living free of abuse.

Sorry, I know the above is not of much use to the original poster but some others may find it relevant. This is why it is important to contact your local DV service who will have knowledge of local practice and processes. There is a lot of help out there. I am happy to answer any questions. If anyone wants any advice on non-molestation orders, occupation orders, court procedures, child contact/residency issues, social services, legal aid, how to get the best from the police, or domestic abuse in general, please ask and I will get back to you when I can and to the best of my knowledge (but I do get things wrong at times).:o

To the OP, get advice and consider all your options. There is a london helpline called Rights of Women which gives free legal advice to women. Google and you will find

Regards
Sharlee

Edited to add that I've just read through this and realise how bleak it all sounds. Just to say that I do have many happy clients that, despite all the difficulties, say that leaving their abusive relationship was the best thing that they have ever done and that they wish they had it done it years ago!

yoni_one

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

Hi
If you are ready to leave then ring Women's Aid and talk through your concerns, they will be able to advise if they can help.
If you do decide to leave you will be offered accomodation where ever there is a room spare to fit your family so you might be housed in say London even though you come from Yorkshire.

Can I just add to this that you would do well to contact Women's Aid even before you are ready to leave because we have outreach workers who can help you plan for it and help find refuge space (if that is the way you choose to go). For anyone else interested in this information, many DV Outreach workers offer support to women who have lived with or are living with DV & A regardless of whether they choose to leave or stay in the relationship or even undecided. To find out more about services offered in your local area contact Women's Aid helpline.

Furthermore, many refuges now have Floating Support / Resettlement workers who will continue to offer support when you move out of the refuge into your new home.

From now on you should be able to access support appropriate to the level you need for as long as you need it.

www.womensaid.org have lots of info, plus you can click on a link to hide that you have ever visited the website.

Not all local authorities are as difficult or strict as Sharlee has to deal with thankfully, the one I work in works in partnership with our refuge and although housing demand is greater than availability as yet evidence of physical abuse is not essential for them to accept duty.

Someone also mentioned Rights of Women, www.row.org.uk it can be difficult to get through but they do offer free legal telephone advice.

You are already on your way to living free from abuse, the path will not be easy but the rewards of taking back control of your own life are so so worth it.

Sharlee

As Yoni-one has said there is often a lot of help out there. Services (such as ours) will provide advice, support and advocacy every step of the way. I accompany women to the police, courts and housing, find solicitors and refuges. I can advise on benefits and help people access the services that they need. We are also lucky enough to have funding to provide specialist counselling to women.

Also, it it not always the case that women have to leave, in some instances men can be ordered to leave by the courts and prevented from contacting their victim under threat of arrest. They can lose their right to the tenancy or ordered to continue to pay the mortgage and pay maintenance where there are dependent children.

The police can also provide 'sanctuary' measures where your house is assessed for safety e.g. new locks, doors strengthened, A safe room can be created and you will be given a panic alarm, if necessary.

Best of luck to all.

Regards
Sharlee