leaving an abusive relationship ...where do I start?

zztopgirl

Please dont ever think you have to be hit to be abused, its not like that, i dont know which is worst being hit or being mentally and verbally abused, but you need to get out. You are entitled to go to a refuge and get your life back.

Its exactly 10 years since i left my ex husband and i only realised i was being abused after watching a programme on channel 4 about wife batterers! Until then i thought it was normal to be treated this way.

I will second bobsa1's advice, i fled whilst my ex was asleep one afternoon. Never give him an ultimatum and never give any hints that you will be leaving. Pack a bag full of necessities and keep it well and truly hidden, so you can leave at a moments notice if need be. I kept begging my ex to stop drinking and to stop hitting me, did it work, did it heck.

Also, when you move into a refuge, you are entitled to benefits and hopefully you will get rehoused before too long. And a huge well done for making the first step!

moggitymog

Sorry i have no advice but i wish you luck in whatever you choose to do xx

bringmeshoes

i dont.'t really have any advice for you but just wanted to give you a hug :grouphug: and say i hope everything goes ok for you on what must be the hardest descision of your life
keep posting so we know how you are, even if you just want to chat let us know how you are

Paparika

I've been there hun, i was the human punch bag, and had the mental cruelty, you don't deserve that kind of treatment. and if you are sure this is what you want to do...

1st tell your family, they may not be able to house you but a few nights on the sofa free from him is a start. Contact your friends you have lost contact with, don't worry about how they will feel after an absence they will immediately understand, it's very important you do this because they are now going to be your support and your way out, and when you feel that you can't do it, they will be there to hold you up.

2nd find your local woman's refuge, they will advise you on what you need to do.
Your local council housing office will also help with temp accommodation,

Once you are out go to benefits agency and get your income support set up, and in the mean time ask and apply for a crisis loan, once you have been rehoused, you ask for funding to furnish your home and this is where you write down everything you could ever think of including carpets and curtains write down everything you can think of and most of it you will get.

If you don't feel strong then i will now be brutal to you (really sorry) you need to get your children and yourself out of there, this will be affecting them they don't deserve that any more than you do.

I've was a victim for 15 years, I didn't deserve it and neither did my son.

Don't be scared, you will look back on this and think wow I am stronger now, i promise you will good luck :T

sassybooboos

i agree with everyone on here.
i had an abusive stepfather who constantly beat me and my mum up, eventually after 5 yrs she did manage to leave him, but the damage was done.

15yrs later and im still suffering due to what went on and i dont think i can ever forget it. worse thing is it ruined my relationship with my mother as i couldn't understand why she never got me out of there quicker, and i thought she was sticking up for him when he kicked me out when i was 15 and she said nothing, now i know she was too scared to do anything and i can understand it.

PLEASE PLEASE dont let your kids feel like i do. Get help and get out.
Im sure your family will find space to put you even for a short while, just let them know how bad it is. (they can't help if they dont know).

Good luck and i wish you all the best

1sue23

I lived like you my husband was not physically abusive but emotionally it was hell never knew where I was with him I moved house many times fresh start won't happen again but it always did .It was me who felt guilty was always covering for him ,hiding car keys so he could not drink and drive watching him,throwing drink away I hid from friends did not have any in the end ,he has a high powered job very well paid and on work do's did I cringe he was so embarresing.I never told anyone about the problems not even family .
one day I snapped did not want to live like it any more ,fed up of hiding away so went to a solicitor found out my rights ,then I contacted his GP next his work ,he got nasty went on a binge so I locked him out of the house called the police and had him arrested ,when he knew I meant it and it was out in the open told family for the 1st time he started to change because he knew I meant it his work were great arranged help ,he started to go to the AA and has not missed a week for 4 years now ,my life with him now is back on track and we talk about alcohol now and he fully accepts the damage it did,my biggest regret is not being firmer earlier and allowing his drinking to rule my life I had to change my ways to get him to see sense if he ever drinks again I would walk away and not look back and he knows this

stefejb

hugs to you dizzydolly - I can only reiterate what everyone else has said - there are some great organisations out there to help you. even if you feel not quite ready to make that step yet at least pack a bag with a few bits in for you and the kids as well as your important paperwork. hide it under the bed or at a friends and then you will be ready if you have to leave in a hurry. When I left the refuge arranged for the police to take me to the house a few weeks after so that I could pick up the rest of my stuff but you only need bare essentials to start off with - everyting else falls into place once you have made that step

dizzydolly

thankyou everyone ,youre all so kind ,Ive got a tear in my eye.

theres lots of information here that I can use ,Ill keep you up to date with any news if possible.

hev_2

Hugs - I wish I could give practical support or even good advice.

But try and keep posting, because loads of people on here will help and while you are posting you are connecting to a lovely community who will give you as much support as they can. One of the ways people get trapped in abusive relationships is because of isolation - usually caused by the abuser. Log on here and you will not be alone.

Good luck and saying prayers for you.

Sharlee

I've just read this thread and as a DV worker I have to say that some of the info is now out of date, things have changed. Also, situations are different in different areas, especially regarding housing So best bet is to contact your local women's aid or DV service who will give you the best advice.

But just to say well done for deciding to take action and get all the support you can. Please keep us posted and let us know how you are.

Regards
Sharlee