leaving an abusive relationship ...where do I start?

dizzydolly

to put a long story short ,Ive been with my partner 13 yrs weve 2 children 6 and 10 .
my husband is an alcoholic has been since we met ,but at first I foolishly thought he just liked a few and he would calm down with age ,of course he didnt .
hes not physically violent but hes extremley nasty with words and if I dare to criticize his precious drink he plays nasty mind games like completely ignoring me or holding money back etc ,he will change the password on the computer he if knew I was writing this ,he behaves appaulingly and pretends to have forgotten all about it next day and just carries on as normal ,of course I dont forget and Ive been seething for years.
he did go to aa about 10 years ago and the 9 sober months were bliss ,hes a functioning alcoholic and gets to work on time each morning etc.
2 years ago we moved area ,for a fresh start he said ,but again it never happened ,hes been saying hes been working late every night but he has really been in the pub and then continues to drink when he gets (drives) home.
Ive got to the stage now (at last), that I dont want this any more and certainly dont want my kids thinking this is normal behavoir ,his parents are both alkies so it obviously runs in families.
he has admitted to others that he has a problem but he wont say it to me ,I would be willing to stay if he went back to aa and stayed of the booze for life but he wont even speak about it.
the thing is we own our house ,I have no savings or income of my own ,my family is 122 miles away and they dont have the room to take us in ,I have had my name on the council list for 18 months or so (after last fallout) ,but I dont really have a chance of getting one.
I really want to get away from this but where do I start?, how do I stand with money etc, I would get a job eventually once Ive settled but would I get housing benefit etc if I rented private?
has anyone been through similar?
any advice or thoughts appreciated .....thanks in advance.

squidge60

sorry no advice but best wishes x

leoetal19

Domestic Violence
New 24-hour National Domestic Violence helpline

Thousands of women experiencing domestic violence will benefit from a new national domestic violence helpline. The groundbreaking new service is backed by grants from the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister and Comic Relief. It will be run by a partnership of leading domestic violence agencies, Women's Aid and Refuge.

The 24-hour freephone number is:

0808 2000 247

The helpline will provide access to 24-hour emergency refuge accommodation, as well as an information service, including safety planning and translation facilities to thousands of women who suffer at the hands of an abusive partner.

hello-i odnt have personal experience but my strong advice would be to call the helpline number above who will have experts who can point you in the right direction.
psychological abuse is as damaging and pernicious as violence. well done in asking for help and deciding to get out-ring this line when hes not around and get yourself poerful-armed with facts and advice n get out my love x
i wish you love and strength and happiness away from this man xxx

pavlovs_dog

do you think he would respond positively if you gave him the ultimatum of dry up or lose the three of you? or would it make the situation worse? if you think the cold hard truth would be enough to shock him into action, and you're prepared to give it (and him) another chance then do it. you may find advice and support on the giving up alcohol thread HERE

failing that, seek advice from places like womens aid, al anon (i think they support the families of alcoholics, as well as alcoholics themselves) have a look on entitled to to see what benefits you would be able to claim whilst you got up on your feet, chase up the council and see hwats going on with you application for housing, and if your kids' school arent already aware of the situation it may be an idea to let them know so that they can support you during the transition.

angel81uk

Hi Dizzydolly,

First of all I'd like to say well done for being so brave and making the decision to get out of your abusive relationship! :T It's such a hard decision to make, especially when the future can seem so uncertain. So give yourself a huge pat on the back and feel proud of yourself for doing something about your situation for both you and your childrens sake.

Planning your escape can seem overwhelming and complicated at times and I know of far to many women who have tried to do it by themselves only to find themselves in a situation where they can't cope and end up going back to their abusive partners because they don't know what else to do. For that reason alone I'd advise you to get some help from the professionals. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ has a fantastic "survivors handbook" which is a great starting point with lots of information such as how to prepare to leave, your housing options, your legal rights, etc. Try and have a read of it whilst your partner is at work if it's safe for you to do so (there is information on there about how to cover your tracks so no one can see you've been looking at the website).

It would also be a good idea to give womens aid a call, they have a free 24 hour helpline which won't show up on a BT landline bill. The number is 0808 2000247. They will be able to offer you lots of support, help and information and they can refer you to any relevant services that can help further. In a way you could say Womens Aid is just like MSE with a phone line for people who are suffering domestic abuse.

You've got a long and scary road ahead of you but you CAN do it. Just remember that you've already done the most difficult bit! You've survived 13 years of abuse and you've made the decision to put that behind you now, life can only get better from now on!

Edited to add - Just to follow on from pavlovs dogs post, if you want to give him an ultimatum then do so but don't put yourself at risk in the process. We all know an ultimatum is no good unless you mean to follow through with it whatever the consequences. So in this case I'd advise you flip the ultimatum on it's head. Don't say anything to your partner for the time being and carry on with your plans to leave. Once you're in temporary accommodation of some sort and safe you can then contact your partner and tell him the only way you'll ever come home is if he sobers up and proves he can stay sober. You don't want to be stuck in this situation for any longer than you have to be, you don't deserve that and neither do your children.

RAMBLER

:T i would just echo the last response, you have done the most difficult part and that is saying it out loud. I would just emphise you are worth having a life free of violence and fear, no one deserves to have to live through that. Womans Aid are amazing they can give you all of the info you need. Your safety is if primary importance. Go on do it,,,,don't wait

A big mental and physical hug

:T

custardy

well done for making the big desicion.
i grew up in that situation and wouldnt wish it on anyone

bobsa1

Contact Women's Aid and I would not give a violent partner an ultimatum as the most dangerous part of any violent relationship is when you are leaving.

Get in touch with your local domestic violent unit, either through the police or council as they will be able to offer help and support to you at this time.

A local authority has an obligation to help abused men and women with accommodation and will be able to offer you some immediate options.

a friend of mine recently left an abusive relationship and she has disocvered that finacially she is much better off and emotionally free after many years of living on limited income, which was used to control her.

Things can and will get better for you, but seek help and support now. You can also get numbers of local domestic violence contacts from your library or the phone book

mspig

I did this 8 years ago now with my eldest son who was 3 at the time i stayed with relatives for a few weeks but decided to go to my local council who put us up in a womens refuge hostel. I'm not going to say it was a lovely place but it was better than i thought it was going to be.

When your in the hostal they go through all the forms with you to get your housing benefit/council tax benefit and any other benefits you can get. You also go on the top of the housing register, and you can choose to leave the county your in if you wish, i was in manchester hostal and a few of the girls there chose to go to Cornwall to live.

I was there 4 months before they found us somewhere to live but it actually passed quite quckly and i met some wonderful women who really helped each other out because we all knew what each other was going through.

You do need to believe in yourself that you can make the break and be strong for your children, but my motto is you have one shot at your life don't waste it and be unhappy for most of it make the most of the limited time we have on this planet.

ellieo

boston is your nearest womens refuge, i visited a friend in there years ago and it seemed a decent place.

kelz85

Hi Dizzydolly,
Just wanted to give some advice money wise. My sister was in a similar situation and left her partner. She moved in with my mum (which wasnt ideal as her little girl was only 7 weeks old at the time). She claimed child tax credits, then saved up a little each week to get a months deposit on a flat, then claimed something called Local Housing Allowance. It is a benefit that covers the rent on a private let from a landlord. Its not available in all areas, but its worth checking. You would also be eligible for a reduction in council tax and income support. This would allow you to get away and get yourself back on your feet. Its not a permanent solution but like you say, Its only until your sorted then you can work again.
Maybe you could borrow some money from family for your deposit? Its not ideal but family would probably be happy to help if they knew how bad it is.
Hope this helps in a practical sense.