leaving an abusive relationship ...where do I start?

zztopgirl

As Sharlee said, but as i didnt go for an injunction to get ex removed from the home, i must shout out that if anyone is thinking of doing this, please seek good legal advice and weigh up all the pros and cons first!

My ex was very violent and it was much too risky to force him to leave, i just accepted that i had not only lost my home, but everything, my clothes, furniture, and had to start again from scratch. Plus his family were all within spitting distance so i wouldnt have lasted long anyway.

Huge thanks Sharlee for explaining everything, o/t but i wrote to a magazine shortly after i left, and they printed it as the star letter (i won a pram) and i can only hope it gave another woman the courage to leave. Back in the days before the internet! It is disturbing that mental and phsyical violence are not classed as being one and the same where you are Sharlee, bruises and broken bones can heal, being made to sit up all night so your husband can take delight in tormenting you (becuase i had gone for a haircut), can take much longer or possibly never to heal.

But apart from that, being free of the abuse is worth everything, even if i lived in a one room shack, it would be heaven.

Paparika

Dizzydolly

There is a heck of a lot of advice on here

but at the end of the day, if you decide enough is enough, just remember that you will not be sleeping on the streets in cardboard sleeping bags

Good luck and best wishes

tonerlab

Hi, Why should you leave? Its yours and the kids home. He has a responsibility to you all whether he lives there or not. My advice is to think of yourself and the kids. Plan ahead, find out your rights, get a solicitor and contact help groups who will advise you impartially.

Can a member (or two) of your family come to stay for a week or two when you ask him to leave. Always a good idea to have witnesses, you say he is not violent but better safe than sorry. Before you see the solicitor, write down all of your grievances so you dont forget things you may want to bring up (take a friend for moral support). You can divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and if you get child benefit, you can claim legal aid.

I was in a slightly different situation last year and I had to be strong for my children, things were tough at the start for all of us (and im a man!). But six months from now you and your children will see the world in a totally different light.

Good Luck LOL x

Stephb1986_2

Hi im not sure if this is correct but im sure someone will correct me if im wrong.

You should have a local womens refuge or crisis centre. They will give you a bed if you need to go. Ive not read your first post but i know its hard what your going through my mum had the same when i was a kid.

Or you could go into a police station and they will sort you out. there will be loads of information online about this sort of thing, im sure the job centre will help too with a crisis loan its not much but it could put you on till you find somewhere better.

Please get out if he is touching you, your worth more than that.

Steph xxx

blue_monkey_2

I just wanted to add on from this, I guess it depends on where you live and who runs your local council - sorry but Conservative run boroughs provide better accomodation than the Labour run ones (Lib Dem or other I have no knowlegde on). Because we are about to be made homeless I have been through tons of stuff, call your local council and ask for the Homeless Depertment and explain things and ask or an appointment. Also go to CAB and they will put you in touch with a local solicitor that you will be able to go and see there and then, because you are not working you will not have to pay, but they will be able to set things out from there. I realise it is not ideal but because their is no violence you will not be able to call the police and have him removed, but the solicitor will set things out for you, the council will do a homeless presentation and will find you temporary accomodation (usually a hostel) but it would mean that you would be on the first step to getting your own home then. Don't be scared by this prospect, we are going to one soon and I realise that this is the only option we have, itis very hard to get any private accomodation while on benefits. When you go to the council tell them everything you need to and why you are leaving, they will arrange a place for you to go and then you would be able to get up in the morning, act as normal, get him off to work pack your things and go. Do not tell the kids incase they let somethig slip, but as there is no violence as such this would be your best option. Plan it, see CAB, solicitor and the council and then go without telling anyone! And then you can start looking forward.

I am a bit worried as you had not been back on to post how things are so I hope that you are OK. Please do let us know if you can. x

dizzydolly

blue_monkey wrote: »

I am a bit worried as you had not been back on to post how things are so I hope that you are OK. Please do let us know if you can. x

HI, Im still here and absolutley fine thanks ,Ive just been reading and researching and mulling over my options ,the lastest development is that my daughter who lives nearby and her bf are talking about moving back to our home town(as theres very little work for him round here), anyway, they said they will rent a bigger house and we can go with them if we want ,Im just a bit worried that we may get in their way a bit as theyre a newish couple starting out together and so on, obviously I would be looking for accommodation of our own once we were there ,any thoughts on that anyone?

meanwhile Ive been sorting out my stuff as I know whatever happens I will have to downsize a little ,I thought Id be upset but its been strangley liberating ,Im feeling really positive thanks to everyones help and kindness.

LittleTinker

I can say to you that you can stay in your own home because you have children.....and you can obtain an order for your husband to leave if thats what you want.

As for the alcoholic side of things......hmmm.....difficult. I went to alanon and understood everything that was said.....I agreed with it all too.

Unfortunately, Im not that patient and I got fed up of !!!!! footing about and making alternative arangements in case i was let down by the alcoholic.
I didnt get together with him to sit on my own.

Unlike the previous poster, ultimatum worked for me. In fact, I locked him out of the house and told him that if he wanted a drink, he would have to do it outside. Which he did, for two days and two nights.

I picked him up off the side of the road and he hasnt had a drink since.

I only wish Id done that years ago.

Anyway, its what you can live with that matters, not what he can live with.

dizzydolly

LittleTinker wrote: »

In fact, I locked him out of the house and told him that if he wanted a drink, he would have to do it outside. .

Ive tried that a couple of times and piled furniture at the back of the door ,unfortunatley he took the whole lock off the door and got back in ,hes clever like that .

I cant kick him out of the house as theres no way I could afford it also I want to get back to yorks where all my friends and family are.

1sue23

He is full of self pity blaming everybody but himself - typical traits of an alcoholic and believe me I know because I live with one.There is no shame in going back to AA where he knows he will learn to start back at step one and like all others that go has a disease which if he accepts and sticks with the program things will go back to normal again but this takes time and trust he has to earn again.
If he does not go show him the door as you have suffered enough .It is clear that he needs help but there is only so many times you should call his bluff as alcoholics love the attention and sometimes need ultimatums particularly as his is a long and painful death which comes with little warning.
Good luck but you are not to blame despite he will try that if you let him.

dizzydolly

1sue23 wrote: »

there is only so many times you should call his bluff

yes ,thats the thing ,I have threatened to leave a few times but never have ,so he thinks I havent got the nerve ,he will get the shock of his life when I do, the stupid thing is I will feel slightly guilty about it even though I know its ridiculous, we have had some good times together and deep down there is a really nice bloke ,its just the jekyll and hyde thing, I cant be doing with it any more.