having a wobbly day...

Lunar_Eclipse

Little_Pickle wrote: »

In effect, what I'm doing is driving him to it.

(Coming in blind also ....)

You may not be reacting in the way that you would like (because you are so upset/angry/hurt/shocked) BUT you are not making him do the things that he does. Ultimately we can only control our own behaviour, so you are not responsible.

A relationship requires give and take on both sides and where infidelity is concerned, the innocent party sometimes accepts some of the blame when analysing why x has happened. But now that you are on a path to fixing what has happened (via Relate), he is 100% responsible for doing it again. And I can totally understand how this may actually be more painful to you since he is presumably more aware of the effects/impact on you.

I really feel for you and think that the best thing might be to set some ground rules for the future (ie now) as a framework for repairing the damage. If he is unwilling to stop doing whatever it is he is doing that is hurting you so much, then I am sorry to say that I don't see how you can work on it (yourself).

He is making you feel this low about yourself so I agree with others that some self healing would be invaluable right now, before working on things with him anymore. Short term time out perhaps?

Your determination to your relationship is admirable. But please put yourself first. Stay strong. It will be alright, the road is just still bumpy.

Noctu

So he was trawling dating sites looking for sex, and you found out... and you, quite rightly.... shouted, cried, and generally went ballistic?

Surely most women would also shout, cry, and go ballistic?

You had every right to react that way!!! I'd be going absolutely nucking futs!!!

And he says that's the reason for him doing it again? Because you didn't cry only a little bit, or kept your shouting at him down to one session? Jees. Hon, get rid of this pathetic loser, and fast!

Horace

nottslass wrote: »

I go from being so hurt and angry that I want to do a "loretta bobbit" on him

Look how famous Mr Bobbit is now - he stars in !!!!!! films:eek: It doesnt bear thinking about.

LP - well done for resorting to devious means and contacting him unbeknowenst to him. At least he didnt bite and maybe he wants to turn a corner if he suggest Relate and sorted out some private counselling for himself.

If you want to have a rant, then you know that we are hear to support you and offer advice if needs be. Keep your chin up and don't be so hard on yourself.

Now you need to get a glass of wine, a silly movie (or a weepy), switch the fire on and curl up in front of the telly wrapped in a duvet.

Good luck
Horace x

angel81uk

Hi LP, I'm sorry to hear you've had such a tough day. Easier said than done but try not to let it get you down. I'm not going to launch in to a huge long post about the rights and wrongs of your situation because I don't think it's necessary. But I will say sometimes we all need a good rant and to get it out of our systems! I know when my OH has said something/done something hurtful I feel like I could cry for days, promise myself I'll never forgive him and call him all the names under the sun (at least to myself, I've not ranted at him yet). But I love him to bits really and life just wouldn't be the same without him. Being isolated and not having someone you can rant and bi*ch with makes it even harder. But remember, I'm only just down the road so if you ever fancy a glass of vino, a good moan and a put the world to rights session then let me know and we can hit the pub! Either way we must get together (along with dearbarbie!) for drinks again sometime.

As for your current low self confidence and feelings that you're a crap girlfriend, it's time to knock that well and truly on the head! You're a stunner, a great laugh and a good person. Don't let your partners issues make you feel like you're the one with the problem.

Uniscots97

Hi LP, sorry didn't get a chance to get logged in this morning as I said I would. How are you? Hope you're feeling a bit better. As for what you said about friends last night, I said I'd been there. Its upto you whether you want to contact these people again. When this happened to me, I did contact them again only to be let down yet again by them when I really needed them (illness). I realised these people weren't really friends. True friends are there for you no matter what and don't judge, but tell you the truth. I only have a few close friends now, and I'd rather have a few good ones than lots of ones who were never there. There are a lot of people out there that care about you LP. Hope you're ok, let us know how you are.

Little_Pickle

Hi guys... thanks again for your replies...

I'm fine thank you!

Like I said yesterday... I just needed a rant because of the hard session we had had the night before.

I've looked into a few councellors in the area and waiting to see when they can see me. I think I need to work on my self esteem a bit!!!

When I saw Mr P last night I had a big cry and told him everything I was feeling.

I really just think that as the subject came up in our session and I had been really good at keeping it together, it was ike a cork being popped and it all just came rushing out.

Mr P showed me all of the accounts he had - was very honest they are all closed.
He also showed me an email he sent to his coucellor back in December last year when he was arranging going to see him - and in the email he told the councellor about what he had done and that he needed help..

It had a reply from the counsellor etc etc, so I do believe that he realised that what he was doing was wrong and he tried to sort it out before I found out.

Anyway, I'm not going to leave him over it. As far as I'm concerned I've seen proof that he realised what he was doing was silly. He knows the damage he has done, knows that I'm well within my rights to be mightily peed off and knows that it's going to take me a while to trust him 100% again...

thanks guys
xox
Thanks for yesterday guys... I needed a rant!

Uniscots97

Always here if you want a rant LP

gremlin

Little_Pickle wrote: »

TBH, yes I do believe this.


I guess I'm trying to relate it to someone being an alcholic. They drink and blame everyone and everything else for thier problem. They don't accept that there is a problem with them.

But then having read that back, what happens when he gets stressed about something other than my upset?

I didn't think about that. What if it becomes an excuse for other 'stresses'?

Only time will tell I guess.
If it happens again and not because of me, then it possibly is a trigger from stress and he has a problem.



the problem is, I already feel like I can get angry or argue because I'm scared he'll do it again

Hi LP

I also am coming in a bit blind to the history, but just going from what you said here i wanted to say a couple of things to you.

I am in a similar stuation, my OH is the king of manipulation so much so he doesnt even know he's doing it half the time. He also has mild Aspergers so empathy and understanding is not his strong point lol. Anyway what Im trying to say is that Im not going to advise you whether to leave him or stay, thats not my place, but to let you know that you are not alone. We've been through similar issues of trust, and I have been to hell and back with him but we are still together after 18 years. But Ive had to be firm in what I expect of him, he needs to have boundaries set.

The words Ive highlighted worry me. Its classic manipulation and alcoholics are the most manipulative people in the world, it goes with the condition. His reasoning just doesnt hold water and has got you by the short and curlies - 'dont do anything to upset me or you'll suffer'.

Can you live with that kind of demands on your relationship? No wonder you are having a bit of a wobble hun, anyone would.

IMHO he is trying to make things work (counselling, Relate,etc. ) and thats good. But please remember that if you allow him to manipulat you he will. My only peice of advice if you want to make it work would be to be strong and dont allow him to manipulate and blame you for his behaviour.

Sending you a virtual hug

Jane x

dearbarbie

angel81uk wrote: »

Either way we must get together (along with dearbarbie!) for drinks again sometime.

bit of a sidetrack but didn't know you were just down the road too! i propose we take LP out for a cheerup (mse-style of course)

Little_Pickle

yayayayay!

*does little wiggly bum dance*