having a wobbly day...

affordmylife

so hes been unfaithful and you think its your fault and you over reacted.

you have every right to over react what he has done is awful.

and it most certainly isnt your fault.

if you have problems and he is too impatient to wait for you to be ready then he is totally in the wrong.

i dont care if he cooks nice meals and buys you flowers that is all crap. real love is about being faithful and taking care of each other.

im sorry if this is harsh but i think you need to lay down some serious rules to him. but personally i cant believe you are still giving him more chances.

daphne_descends

You are not responsible for anybody else's actions. At all.

You can make someone angry, you can upset someone, but what they do with that emotion and how they react is their choice.

Uniscots97

Little_Pickle wrote: »

This is the problem though.... he says that my reaction (shouting and crying and going ballistic) is part of the reason he reacts like this and does these things. So I am to blame...

If I could just not react how I do, then he wouldn't do this... at least that's my understanding of it.
In effect, what I'm doing is driving him to it.

LP, my former partner made me feel the same. That me having friends, dressing in trousers (I kid you not), wearing make up, me getting upset when he lied etc etc etc all made it my fault for his behaviour. Rubbish. It wasn't my fault and this isn't yours. My counsellor actually said to me once "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". It took me ages to work out what she meant but what she meant was we can't control anyone's actions, it's their choice. So, it's definitely NOT your fault he's doing what he's doing. I know from your perspective it feels like it is and you think to yourself "if I can change, then he will too", believe me it doesn't work. I changed everything for my ex and the lies, abuse and cheating continued. I cut friends off, changed my appearance etc etc. I remember once (funnily enough he was away with his mistress) that he had texted me when I had been on a call out for my former job. I got abuse down the phone that he didn't believe where I was (bearing in mind of course who he's with and what he's upto). Would you believe I took a pic on my mobile and sent it to him to prove where "I" was? Looking back on it now I know it was all mind games to ease his guilt as he knew his behaviour was VERY wrong. So this is why I know for definite this is NOT your fault. Please believe that.

PM me if you want to talk more, I'm not always about in the evenings though.

ameliarate

Oh sweetie your only problem is that for some reason you haven't enough self esteem to realise that you are not at fault here and that you deserve to be treated better.

I love my other half (most of the time). I know that If I slept with someone else it would hurt him terribly so no matter how much George Clooney begs me, no matter how much I want to, I will not do it.

That is over simplifying things but in fact it is the truth.

He has a problem - it is not stress related it is actually probably self esteem related also. But it certainly is NOT your fault in any way shape or form.

hev_2

Little_Pickle wrote: »

This is the problem though.... he says that my reaction (shouting and crying and going ballistic) is part of the reason he reacts like this and does these things. So I am to blame...

If I could just not react how I do, then he wouldn't do this... at least that's my understanding of it.
In effect, what I'm doing is driving him to it.

No no no no no no no no no!!!!!!!

What has happened is this:

He has done something he should not have done. He knows he should not have done this. You have found out. He feels guilty.

He does not want to admit that he feels guilty or that he has done something wrong. If he can convince you that it is your fault then you will not shout at him. You will blame yourself, he will be off the hook and if he feels like doing it again he can turn round and say - see what you made me do.

Did you switch the computer on for him? Did you find sites for him? Did you start going so ballistic before or after he started doing this? My guess is after, so what started him doing it the first time? Did he do it before he met you?

Not your fault - repeat after me - It is his decision to take his actions, it is his decision to take his actions, it is his decisions.

When I said I would have packed his bags, I must add I would have to have left a space for his tackle, because I would have not been in a reasonable frame of mind and I would not have for one minute believed it was my fault regardless of how he tried to MANIPULATE the situation.

.... and breathe.

Some people cope with stress by going to the gym. They do not deal with bad things by trashing the self esteem of someone they say they love.

You need to do something to boost your self confidence asap. I know this is a down day, but this is really really down.

Hope my little rant helps. If it doesn't - put it down to my PMT.

Little_Pickle

He hasn't actually been unfaithful. I just want to make that clear.

The first thing to happen back 2 1/2 years ago was that he was msn-ing an ex sh@g buddy telling her to come over to London for a dirty weekend, that don't worry she won't find out etc etc... followed by a few rude msn conversations.
now... this happened 2 1/2 yrs ago, when we had been together for 3 months.

I found out a year after it happened and the result was me to shout, cry, argue etc etc... I'm not proud of myself... last year was the darkest year of my life.

So roll on 1 year (to Dec 07) and we had a big falling out. After this falling out he joined 3 sites, claiming he was single.. looking for sex.

EDIT:
I found out about this (Dec 07 thing )in Feb when he was away. I have held it inside ever since. we have briefly talked about it and have told him it has to stop.

now, I know that he never had the ex sh@g buddy over and I know that he didn't meet anyone between Dec and now.

I just wanted to clarify that this is purely web-based deceit and not physical.

Uniscots97

Little_Pickle wrote: »

TBH, yes I do believe this.

I'll tell you why... I think that Mr P might have a problem with how he deals with stress.
It doesn't stop it from hurting me... but it's also something I don't understand.

I guess I'm trying to relate it to someone being an alcholic. They drink and blame everyone and everything else for thier problem. They don't accept that there is a problem with them.

But then having read that back, what happens when he gets stressed about something other than my upset?

I didn't think about that. What if it becomes an excuse for other 'stresses'?

Only time will tell I guess.
If it happens again and not because of me, then it possibly is a trigger from stress and he has a problem.

If it happens again after I have lost control and cried and shouted, then maybe it is my fault?

the problem is, I already feel like I can get angry or argue because I'm scared he'll do it again.

LP, you use the word 'excuse' and that's what you are to him. You're his excuse for HIS behaviour and it's wrong. You know its wrong. Its easier for him to blame than accept blame. If your best friend was going through the same would you let them feel like they were the one at fault? I don't think you would. You have every right to shout, bawl, cry and swear at him because what he has done is wrong. Please LP is there a friend you can speak to in person about this and/or a counsellor by yourself?

Sending you a huge hug, you're not alone in this ok? I've been there and I came out the other side a stronger person and you will too. :grouphug:

Uniscots97

Little_Pickle wrote: »

He hasn't actually been unfaithful. I just want to make that clear.

The first thing to happen back 2 1/2 years ago was that he was msn-ing an ex sh@g buddy telling her to come over to London for a dirty weekend, that don't worry she won't find out etc etc... followed by a few rude msn conversations.
now... this happened 2 1/2 yrs ago, when we had been together for 3 months.

I found out a year after it happened and the result was me to shout, cry, argue etc etc... I'm not proud of myself... last year was the darkest year of my life.

So roll on 1 year (to Dec 07) and we had a big falling out. After this falling out he joined 3 sites, claiming he was single.. looking for sex.

EDIT:
I found out about this (Dec 07 thing )in Feb when he was away. I have held it inside ever since. we have briefly talked about it and have told him it has to stop.

now, I know that he never had the ex sh@g buddy over and I know that he didn't meet anyone between Dec and now.

I just wanted to clarify that this is purely web-based deceit and not physical.

Whether it was physical or not he's in a relationship and he lied pretending to be single you have every right to be angry.

Shineyhappy

Hi LP,

I dont know how much I ever told you about my online game addicted ex? He used to do what your OH is doing. He would play games and chat to other people all night and all weekend because it was my fault I wasnt interesting/sexy/funny/intelligent enough for his liking. Then after many weeks of being told off every time I spoke in my own home, I lost it. I screamed and shouted and told him I was really really unhappy. He then would say to me "see this is why I would rather play with my online friends than spend time with you, its your fault for being the way you are". Why I put up with that s%^t for 2 and a half years is beyond me, probably because like you, my confidence was destroyed and all the times he blamed me had sunk in and I hated myself. I cut my arms and I cried all the time. I was so down and unhappy that I constantly thought about taking too many pills. My ex OH saw this and the bullying got worse and worse and worse.

Please please please dont let yourself get to that point! No man is ever worth hating yourself for. You may have a temper but you would not get anywhere near that upset if he hadnt cheated on you! I think you need to take some time on your own to think about things and what you want and want you deserve from life. Presents and meals out are very nice but its better to have trust and compassion and kindness from a partner.

I really hope you are ok! You know my email and I am guessing I am not that far from you on the train so if you want a shoulder to cry on then you know where I am.

Little_Pickle

is there a friend you can speak to in person about this and/or a counsellor by yourself

you're going to lynch me for this... but..no there isn't.
My friends didn't like him after the first time and basically said they would rather not see me than see me get hurt again.
So my mates dropped off of the radar.

We have joint mates... but that could just get messy. Some of them know bits and pieces about our situation, but not everything.

I can look into a counsellor... I think that would be a good idea.