having a wobbly day...

Little_Pickle

Hi all...
I was really hoping that I wouldn’t be writing here with my problems ever again.
This board was great to me in the past when Mr P and I had troubles, and since we have been addressing them, things have mostly been good. Hard, but good.

After helping and supporting others on this thread it seems I’m back again for some virtual support.

Mr P and I have been going to Relate since January and the sessions have been really hard but we’ve got through them.

Mr P went away on an extended holiday for 7 weeks and I joined him for the last 2 weeks of the trip. From the moment I joined him, until now, we haven’t spent a night apart and things have been fantastic.

However, we had a very hard session at Relate last night. And today I find myself on the verge of tears and feeling so let down by him again.

We knew that it was going to be hard, and to be honest, I knew that dealing with this stuff would be stressful, but I’m so low today.

I feel completely worthless. I feel ashamed for his actions, for my reactions and that I failed to keep my partner happy. Enough for him to virtually stray.

When he was away, I found out that he had done it again after we had argued.

I’ve been holding on to this since February and although we’ve talked about it (basically me telling him it has to stop) I feel no release. I feel again like I can’t trust him.

Oh, I’m just babbling, I know... but last night at Relate we talked about it.
I didn’t sleep at all and it’s really affected me.

I just wanted someone to say that it’ll be okay or that it’s perfectly normal to feel this way when dealing with hard situations.

Sorry for the long post.

LP
xox

hev_2

Hugs

I have read a lot of your posts, but not added as I have felt that I have not had anything constructive to say.

Perhaps you should look back at some of the stuff you wrote ages ago. You have come such a long way, and achieved sooooo much. He is actually committing to going to Relate - see how rare that is on other threads.

You are working so hard and struggling to do the right things, you are entitled to a 'duvet day' now and again. Perhaps today is a time for looking after yourself, doing what you need to do to feel good. Going through the process of counselling takes huge amounts of emotional energy and it is normal to need to recharge your battery.

Actually, I admire the way you have taken on the challenges in your life. Sometimes it is hard to see how much you do and how much you can do, but whatever it takes today should be LP appreciation day!

Hope you feel better soon.

Little_Pickle

thank you hev.

Your post has helped put things into perspective a little.

It's so hard to go through all of this stuff. It really is.

We have both hurt each other. He has done some stupid, stupid things and to a degree, he still is... but my reactions were huge. I mean massive. I shouted, cried and on a couple of occasions even hit him.

So imagine the cycle. OH does this terrible thing, I get into a rage over it and then as a reaction he does it again... and so it goes around and around.

After finding out that he was doing it again, I have acted in a calm manner and told him that it's disrespectful and deeply hurtful. He still brings up my old reactions and tries to justify his actions with unbelievable reasons.

each time he is asked about a situation, he rambles, not answering the question, until somehow everything is my fault again.

If I'm honest about how I feel about this new news of his betrayal...
I feel worthless. I'm embarrassed. I feel utter disbelief that he would do this again.
I feel I'm not good enough. I feel utterly let down.
More than anything, I feel that it's my fault that he's done it again.
It must be something I'm doing wrong... I feel like I'm a terrible girlfriend who can't keep her man happy.

ameliarate

I feel worthless. I'm embarrassed. I feel utter disbelief that he would do this again.
I feel I'm not good enough. I feel utterly let down.
More than anything, I feel that it's my fault that he's done it again.
It must be something I'm doing wrong... I feel like I'm a terrible girlfriend who can't keep her man happy.

Hi, I am really sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I haven't read any of your previous posts so am coming in "blind". What struck me most was the above statement(s). Been there, done that, got the t. shirt and IMHO what you need is counselling for yourself rather than just the joint counselling. You need to realise that you are NOT responsible for his actions and that you are good enough. How can it be you that is doing something wrong? My ex was a serial [EMAIL="sh@@@er"]sh@@@er[/EMAIL]. I thought it was my fault and I was "inadequate" as a woman, became depressed and suicidal but you know what? I wasn't inadequate he was, because he couldn't commit to one relationship properly. I wish you all the best. Be strong.

Horace

LP - remember you are not a terrible person and you don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect. I think that Mr P should either grow up or ship out. You deserve better so if I were you I'd kick him out - at the moment he seems to think that he can have his cake and eat it too and we all know that life's not like that.

If you are both determined to make a go of things - you really should set some ground rules otherwise all the Relate sessions will be a complete waste of time. From what I can see he is doing nothing to make you feel special - he should take you out, treat you etc. BTW what was he doing taking an extended 7 week holiday and you only joining him for 2 weeks! If he was my chap doing that he would have been kicked into touch a long time ago, saying that mine did take a 3 week hol but he sent me a text every other day and even rang me to make sure I was ok. 7 weeks though is taking the tiddle.

HUGS

falady

Hi LP,

I haven't read your previous posts, but it sounds like your reaction to dealing with a lot of stress and upset is normal - it is normal to have a wobbly day when you have a load of s**t to deal with.

We are all only human.

Try to look after yourself. I know this is hard. I have depression (though doing Ok at the moment) and in a hard spell i just have to look after myself - lots of sleep, time off work if i need it, eat well, not too much junk, vitamin pills, and try to get out for some exercise each day, even if only a 20 minute wander round the park. It sounds like this is what you need to do too.

You are not inadequate and mustn't blame yourself. He is responsible for his actions, and only him.

Hugs...

Ali xx

hev_2

Lots of men go through difficult times without making their girlfriends feel like their to blame.

Is he taking responsibility for his actions? You have more than taken responsibility for yours.

I'm worried that this is the thin end of a wedge to get you to do what he wants and to avoid all blame - he does what he feels like and then its your fault. Do you reach over and click on something for him? If not - not your fault.

Its the same for alcoholics - they may blame all sorts of things for drinking, but some people cope with the same things by going for a jog, cleaning kitchen cupboards - non destructive and not hurtful ways. No-one holds a gun to their heads.

How has the counsellor been reacting to this? I have never been to Relate, but I suspect that they have to seem impartial. However, are they refereeing fairly IYSWIM?

You know deep down what is best for you. How did you do while he was away? I think that will tell you a great deal.

Whatever happens, there is a great bunch of people on here who will be really supportive.

Fingers crossed for you.

hev_2

Just as a BTW - I wouldn't have shouted or cried. I would have packed his bags. You have a much better nature than me.

Uniscots97

:grouphug: Sending you hugs LP. I don't know the history but don't beat yourself up about this. You are going to Relate and reading between the lines it sounds like you've come a long way. When I went through counselling the lady suggested a small treat every day for me. She told me each night before bed decide what my treat would be and write it in my diary for the next day. Mine ranged from a walk in the park (borrowing my friend's dog), meeting a friend for coffee, to buying my favourite bar of chocolate. These little things might sound insignificant but they really made a difference. Hang in there LP, you can get through this.

doraexplorer

Horace wrote: »

LP - remember you are not a terrible person and you don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect. I think that Mr P should either grow up or ship out. You deserve better so if I were you I'd kick him out - at the moment he seems to think that he can have his cake and eat it too and we all know that life's not like that.


Horace i have to echo what you are saying as i could not put it better myself. he knows he can cheat and get away with it so why stop ? you have forgave him and forgave him and now you think its your fault for doing something wrong. its his fault not yours, he has no respect for you or your own morals. is he really worth it? all the heartache hes causing you? no one is. there are lovely men out there who would love you as you and not cheat . cheating is so bad it leaves horrible imprints on peoples emotions.

he wont change people dont change people can learn to control things but underneath he will still be a cheater.

you will proberly feel better tomorow but what about next week, next year, ten years? do you really want to be going through this for ever. no life is too short and we only get one shot so do whats in your head not your heart.

:grouphug:

dora xx

Little_Pickle

thanks all, for your replies...
I just wanted to answer a few of your suggestions / questions / statements...

IMHO what you need is counseling for yourself rather than just the joint counseling.

I think you're right. This may do me some good. I admit that my self confidence is at an all time low. As I sit here and type this (at work) I find myself crying again as I hear myself think the words ' I'm not surprised he did it again... I hate myself so why would he want to be faithful?'
And I know how sad that sounds... I've seen it written by many others here before.

From what I can see he is doing nothing to make you feel special - he should take you out, treat you etc.

Actually, that's not true... he buys me presents, makes me dinner, and it lovely to me. But sometimes I do wonder if he does it through guilt. and that hurts to write, because I'm sure that 99% of the time he does it because he does love me and wants to make me feel special.

BTW what was he doing taking an extended 7 week holiday and you only joining him for 2 weeks!

He's not working at the moment and if I could have got the time off and afforded it, I would have gone too. I went for the time I could get off work and what I could afford.

Part of me thinks that he may have a problem? Maybe I could go and talk to a sex couselor on my own about his actions and try and make some sense of why he might act this way?

thanks again for your replies.
much apriciated x x x x x x