Am I Being Mean?

moonlightpjs

tesuhoha wrote: »

Thanks weller. I am still here for him. Something he said in the car when I was taking him to Asda touched me. He was talking about Bianca coming back in Eastenders and he said he liked Bianca. I asked him if he liked Eastenders and he said no but he used to watch it with his mum when Bianca was on. Its things like that that make me feel so sad for him and determined to go on helping him if he needs it. I am taking on board all the comments about his embarrassment and charity being hard to take and I think there is a lot in it.

Oh gosh, I've got tears running down my face now Wish i could give him a cuddle!! You're an angel xxxxx

Mrs_Weasley

Just to stick my oar in

Until my OH met me at the age of 35 (him not me!) He had lived on his own, been thrown out of foster home at 16 and been in care..... similarish situations? Anyway he had never used a cooker (all microwave) and he has told me when he ran out of food and money he just did not eat! Wether it was the beginning of the week or mid week he just did without, i think its a man thing! he still can't do basic stuff like jacket spuds or scrambled eggs etc!!!!

I don't have a solution and i would do what exactly what you have done. ithink the decision of what to do next is what you feel comfortable with.

Bess xxx

tesuhoha

I feel like that too but I have to be laid back and cool and treat them as adults.

Bunnyinthelights

Weller,
Nice to see you hunny x

I agree with what you say.
x

tesuhoha

Basically Im there for him if an emergency arises and will help him also if he needs a favour which involves the car. I may have given the wrong impression. He doesnt ask for anything generally and when he comes around, its my son who asks if he can stay for dinner and my son that tells me that he's got nothing to eat.

wyebird

It sounds like your son takes after you, in that he is a caring person who wants his friend to be OK and have the "nice stuff".
Does your son cook? It might be an idea to start by getting them both to cook you a meal (with some help) to say thanks .

tesuhoha

If they cooked me a meal it would be cheese on toast or scrambled egg and bacon!

tesuhoha

I will try to get round to the subject of cooking with him.

thevinternet

Hiya :hello:

First of all - I think what you've done for this young man is amazing. :AAnd as you say, if he is always saying thankyou, then you know that he is grateful.

I think what the others have said is correct really - it would be great if you could sneakily teach him two of life's lessons.

Firstly, you need to find ways that he can pay you back around the house to teach him that it feels better to earn your dinner! Maybe ask him to do the things which are 'manly', ie sorting out the garden or yard if you have one, putting things in the loft, checking the oil level on the car, cleaning windows, moving heavy bits of furniture when you are hoovering....bleeding radiators etc. You never know, by doing this as a spring cleaning exercise, he may find something he really enjoys tinkering with and may develop an aptitude for it. Most of the things you ask him to do, he won't have a clue about, so you'll need to show him the first time, but after that he'll be happy to help I'm sure. Just say that the house needs a good spring clean and that you've got lots of little jobs that need doing, and that everyone else is too busy / can't be bothered to help, so would he mind?

Then it's important that you teach him to budget properly, so ask him to help you make snacks after each set of little jobs he does (maybe if he came round ever day for a week for example?). Cook really, really simple bland food that he will like, ie cheese on toast! It sounds ridiculous, but he might not even know how to do that! And it's a tasty and cheap snack. Even if he doesn't want to eat it himself, just ask him to help you make it and pretend you are dying for some lovely cheese on toast....ie say 'Would you mind slicing the cheese for me whilst I put the grill on?' etc.

It may seem like a lot of work, and I know you are already helping him out loads. But even if he just learns one new meal from you, it will help him out no end I'm sure. He has to learn life's simple lessons, and it sounds as though no-one else has ever bothered to teach him.

As regards the beer though - keep an eye on that. If you hear that he's been drinking in the week, don't offer him any more money - he has to learn that buying beer will mean he goes hungry if that's what it takes - or he needs to learn how to cook cheap meals with you, which may well help him stick to his budget.

If your son finds it 'weird', then his friend will be picking up on those vibes, and will naturally feel embarrassed. Maybe a quiet word with your son about helping others out wouldn't go amiss?

Well done with all the work you've done with him so far, you are clearly a complete sweetheart, but as others have said, do be careful not to get taken for a ride.

xxx

tesuhoha

Thanks thevinternet. He does cook basic stuff. He made cheese on toast and scrambled eggs with the stuff I sent him yesterday. Good idea about the jobs around the house. He has already offered help on some occasions but will rope him in to something sometime soon hopefully.