Am I Being Mean?

klane

I think he's very lucky to have you as a friend who cares enough to try to help him out as well as supporting her own family. Bravo to you for helping, and now trying to understand his situation better, so you can help in the most appropriate fashion for the best results.

Bunnyinthelights

Perhaps he just feels like a charity case and is embarrased?
Maybe he doesn't want you to know how bad a situation is? Or maybe he just doesn't like those things...

You're a very kind person for helping x

moanymoany

I agree absolutely with mandi, you have to stop RIGHT NOW. You have done what you can, you have done a lot you have done enough.

He managed before you and your son arrived on the scene. He is ungrateful and what is more he is USING YOU.

If you continue you will become embroiled in his life, you may find yourself with a big problem.

Toto

Bunnyinthelights wrote: »

Perhaps he just feels like a charity case and is embarrased?
Maybe he doesn't want you to know how bad a situation is? Or maybe he just doesn't like those things...

You're a very kind person for helping x

I can't help but agree with bunny. maybe he is simply feeling a bit embarrassed and yes I also agree you are very kind, the world would be a nicer place with more people like you in it.

fedupnow

I think it is a lovely thing you are doing for him. He is a young person in need trying to better himself through college and I am sure is genuinely grateful for your and your sons help and friendship.

My first and only concern is that the young man is not being bullied or taken advantage of by somebody else OR is not bullying your son. If you absolutely certain neither of these are the case then I think you can help in a lot more ways than just providing him with meals and food. They will be better for him and cheaper for you in the long run. Demonstrating how to budget is one way.

If he has spent his a long time in care and has no family support then it means he has not had the benefit of knowing how to behave and express himself within a family unit. I think he may well be embarrassed about this and be saying things like "no thanks, I don't really like that" as he hasn't any clue how to decline an invitation politely without appearing 'fussy' or 'rude' or 'ungrateful'. I mean who taught us our manners etc? He may be uncomfortable eating in front of others or may think he is 'intruding' on the family. We all know that our kids have friends round for tea often and then when they are older they come round to watch a dvd, eat pizza etc. Few find it stressful but it seems this particular guy does.

I think, if I were you, I would make him earn his dinner. I think a well timed 'would you mind helping me clean out the garage' or something will make him feel less of a charity case and more of a friend to you.

Good luck and I don't think you are a soft touch..........I just think you are a hero!!!

Toto

fedupnow wrote: »

I think it is a lovely thing you are doing for him. He is a young person in need trying to better himself through college and I am sure is genuinely grateful for your and your sons help and friendship.

My first and only concern is that the young man is not being bullied or taken advantage of by somebody else OR is not bullying your son. If you absolutely certain neither of these are the case then I think you can help in a lot more ways than just providing him with meals and food. They will be better for him and cheaper for you in the long run. Demonstrating how to budget is one way.

If he has spent his a long time in care and has no family support then it means he has not had the benefit of knowing how to behave and express himself within a family unit. I think he may well be embarrassed about this and be saying things like "no thanks, I don't really like that" as he hasn't any clue how to decline an invitation politely without appearing 'fussy' or 'rude' or 'ungrateful'. I mean who taught us our manners etc? He may be uncomfortable eating in front of others or may think he is 'intruding' on the family. We all know that our kids have friends round for tea often and then when they are older they come round to watch a dvd, eat pizza etc. Few find it stressful but it seems this particular guy does.

I think, if I were you, I would make him earn his dinner. I think a well timed 'would you mind helping me clean out the garage' or something will make him feel less of a charity case and more of a friend to you.

Good luck and I don't think you are a soft touch..........I just think you are a hero!!!

what she said

daisykinn1

I feel sorry for him but I'm confused. Why can't he get a job to support himself through his studies?

tesuhoha

daisykinn1 wrote: »

I feel sorry for him but I'm confused. Why can't he get a job to support himself through his studies?

He has applied for jobs. He went for an interview the other day at Tesco which is the only supermarket within walking distance for him. He wore a clean shirt and jeans. He was asking how he should dress for the interview because he only had jeans so I told him to be immaculately clean and tidy. He said that they were very nice at the interview but there were lots of people applying for the job. He got a letter saying he hadnt got it. He is still looking for work. My husband might have a day or two's work on the building site for him but it hasnt come up yet.

I dont think there is any bullying going on as they have a warm and friendly relationship which involves several others; there are a group of them and they do stuff together like play music, play cards etc.

moonlightpjs

I think you are amazing helping like this and though others have said not to continue helping him, if I were in the same position I would because I would hope that if my son (in a good few years!!!) was in the same situation (though I hope not) that some kind soul would help him. There but for the grace of God and all that.....................

He is somebodys son and you dont know what kind of backgroud he has come from, why he was placed in care etc and I honestly couldnt take a chance that he may go hungry, that said I wouldnt get into debt for him, maybe just buy a few bits here and there. If he refuses your offer of a family meal then so be it but please dont stop making the offers just because he has refused once or twice and definatly offer cooking lessons and again if he refuses, keep offering. Sometimes somebody else kindness is hard to take (and believe me I know) so just keep going and you and he will get there in the end and he will never forget your support.

*Probably gonna get slated now*

*Runs and hides*

tesuhoha

Thanks weller. I am still here for him. Something he said in the car when I was taking him to Asda touched me. He was talking about Bianca coming back in Eastenders and he said he liked Bianca. I asked him if he liked Eastenders and he said no but he used to watch it with his mum when Bianca was on. Its things like that that make me feel so sad for him and determined to go on helping him if he needs it. I am taking on board all the comments about his embarrassment and charity being hard to take and I think there is a lot in it.