Am I Being Mean?

tesuhoha

My son has a friend who lives on his own in a hostel as he was in care. I always do what I can to help him and he's a nice lad. A couple of weeks ago my son said he had no food as he had not received his benefit cheque (hes at college) and that he wouldnt get it for about a fortnight.

I went out and spent about £20 in Asda on shopping for him. Since then I have been sending food round from the house. Last week I took him to Asda in the car as he wanted to shop and had money. Today my son says hes got no food again except noodles. I offered to pack a bag of food for him but my son said he would do it. He didnt want tinned soup, tinned spaghetti, jaffa cakes or baked beans because he said he doesnt like them. I gave him eggs, a pack of cheese, half a loaf of bread, crisps,some chocolate bars. I invited him round for dinner and my son said he doesnt like what we're having, cold roast beef, mashed potatoes, bubble & squeak, coleslaw & salad. He then tried to take the salted peanuts which my husband likes and a pack of chocolate fingers. My daughter got cross with him and I said no.

The thing is I only shop once a week on a Saturday as we're trying to pay off debts and once its gone its gone. For the past few weeks I have had to replace the stuff Ive given him and its expensive. I dont mind but we wont have much for ourselves this week and if he is really hungry as my son says he is I cant understand why he is being so fussy.

Am I being mean. I would do anything to help him if he's desperate but its a bit hurtful when he wont even come for dinner because he doesnt like the food though it could be my son just saying that, i dont know.

ZTD

I think somebody is being sold a story.

When I was hungry - I ate anything.

tesuhoha

Thats how I feel too.

jamtart6

weird! are you sure your son's friend isn't threatening him at all with anything? sounds like your son seems to have to do what this friend says? to be honest if he were that hungry he would eat anything. I can't stand baked beans, but if it was that or starving, I'd force myself.

I think you have been more than kind up to now. If you take him shopping again (with his money) see what he buys and see if that story tallys up with your son says the friend does like/does not like. If it seems to be crisps/chocolate then its obvious why he doesnt like tinned stuff, perhaps he just eats snacks all day and nothing proper. still no excuse.

I would stop sending food around as it seems he is really not grateful and it is putting you out of pocket. what i would do is invite him round for tea more often(if you can afford it) and I'm sure he'll soon refuse. I'd hate to think he was taking advantage of your good nature.

RAS

Hi

You helped him out once. If he was hungry, he would be really grateful for what you had to offer, not picky. I think he has learned to prey on your good nature.

So mean as it seems, I think you tell your son that unfortunately your family is in debt and you cannot aford to subsidise this young man, although you would still be happy for him to join you for meal every few weeks.

lynsayjane

it's a very tough situation to be in. I'm the kind of person who always helps another if I can. But at the same time if it's making life that much more difficult for you then parhaps it's too much help.

I also agree that if he was that hungry and desperate he'd eat anything offered.

jak

I agree with Jamtart! If he is hungry he'll eat it. I think you need to be less kind, not more so. If a person is desperate they'll eat anything!

Buffythedebtslayer

I did the same thing -when I was at college a mate had a tough time, and I gave him food, he would eat anything too.

I wouldn't give any more, it sounds to me as if he is a little ungrateful (or maybe -this sounds a bit odd but, could your son be sick of doing it or embarrassed about the type of food? does the friend borrow money off your son or anytihng?

In any case you have done the best you can for him. just keep an on eye but really I think you couldn't have been nicer to him.

xx

tesuhoha

He is always really really grateful when I see him and thanks me over and over again. I feel very sorry for him as he has no family to support him and I dont mind giving him basic food if he's hungry but equally I dont want to be taken for a fool.

jamtart6

I know it sounds awful, but some people have 2 sides to them. I know people who are sweet to my parents and complete horrors to other people just because they can walk all over them. Seriously the more I think about it, sounds like your sons friend has some kind of hold over your son.

tesuhoha

Funnily enough my son seemed embarrassed the first time i did it and said it was a weird thing to do. I know that he doesnt like baked beans or tinned spaghetti as hes been round here when we had sausage and mash and he didnt want them. I asked my son repeatedly why he had no food as hes getting his benefit again and he kept saying that he didnt know. Maybe he was just not bothered to go out shopping as its a walk for him.