Am I Being Mean?

tesuhoha

Ive just remembered that a few months ago he lent my son £10 when they went to the cinema and we were really annoyed at our son because he wasnt able to pay his rent that week. We paid it back as soon as we found out but it showed how tight money was for him.

RAS

tesuhoha wrote: »

I know Im soft but that would be so hard stopping completely. He hasnt got sky, hes only got an old tv which we gave him and an old games machine my son gave him. He even asked me if I would pick up an old table which had been left out the front of someones house and there was a sign saying help yourself. It was a grotty old thing and he was so pleased with it. Thats why I feel sorry for him as he has nothing.

tesuhoha

Do you know about www.freecycle.org? Get him to sign up for that - it might mean the odd car trip but there is a huge amount of stuff on there for free.

Little_Chicken

It sounds dodgy to me too. If I was hungry I'd eat cheap bread, and other bits not crisps/chocolate etc. sounds like someone with the munchies to me. cannabis smoker perhaps?!?!?

Now don't take this the wrong way, but it also seems strange to me for your son to be making the demands for his friend. Usually he would be grateful wouldn't he? Any chance there's something more to the story? Maybe an honest chat with your son is needed.

By the way - you are not mean, but a cut off point always has to come with these situations otherwise noone would ever stand on their own two feet.

medman

I think ZTD is right, you're in danger of creating dependency which is teaching him false lessons. I would suggest that you sit your son and his friend down and have a frank conversation. Ask him directly what happens to his money and offer to help draw up a budget. And next time you feed him tell him to wear scruffy clothes so he can cut the grass when he's finished or maybe wash the car. :rolleyes:

MM

blue_monkey_2

Can I change direction a little here rather than saying don't do it for him.

What you have done for him is really kind - if he has been in care and is in a hostel he has probably not had anyone to do this for him before, what you might see as rude is probably his ay of dealing with things. Young men (and women - I was the kebab queen when living alone!!) are not all that on cooking and tend to eat junk anyway (don't they?? I did, LOL) and there are things I do not like to eat and even if hungry (not starving) then I would probably not eat either and wait until the next meal or eat crisps. If I did not like what was being cooked at a friends then I would make an excuse and not go around either, it's just the way I am. Maybe he is not used to eating 'good foods' where he has been living before (hard to say without knowing the full circumstances).

I am not sure if your son's friend has any problems such as AS because this is the way AS children/adults can behave. If he has not had anyone looking out for him to pick this up then it might be underlying and no-one has realised. This is just from family experience.

I know everyone has suggested stopping but if you want to feel like you are helping and still want to help then what about seeing what he likes by taking him shopping and making a note of what he puts in his trolley so that you know for next time you want to help.

You should do whatever you feel is best doing andif you want to help then you should continue to do so. I totally understand but I think you should also be honest with him and maybe if he has a problem then he does not realise that what he is saying will offend you - people with AS say it as it is and do not realise it causes offence. Not an excuse, just a thought.

If you are shopping and see some of the things he usually likes and the are on 2 for 1 maybe pick them up and get a little store for next time you know he might be out of foods you can send a few supplies over to keep him going.

I think that what you are doing for him is wonderful, I have been in the situation where I have had no-one to help me and no family around me and I would have loved to have a 2nd mum like you to look after me. I don't think I would have eaten the beans though as they are horrible, I am a spaghetti hoops kind of person

My kids tell me the cupboards are empty - what they REALLY mean is that there is nothing they want to eat in there. Bear this in mind!!

Ooh, the other thing is that he probably does not have a clue on budgeting and buying the right and enough foods for a fortnight's shop when he goes so maybe you could help him with a list of 'essentials' for the fortnight and give him a few menus (jacket potatoes and pasta for example) so he can learn. Remember, he has not had anyone to teach him like your son has had you and has probably been kicked out at 16 to make his own way without the lessons in life that we all need to learn from our families. Maybe you could help in a more practical way rather than in a financial way. You do not say how old he is but how many other men would choose buying brocolli over biscuits and crisps. he needs some guidance and instead of helping him financially how about supporting him and helping him find his way in life with a few cooking lessons (ask him what HE likes to eat, invite him over and let him cook it with you watching) and some advice on getting by.

I hope my suggestions were not out of order but thought maybe practical might be better than topping him up with biscuits and crisps - they'll serve him much better for the future.

Good luck and keep on helping him if you want to, it is up to you to do what you want to do but I do think that he is probably finding your support invaluable but does not know the right way to express his thanks.

mum2one

Just reread the thread, and maybe he has no idea of budgeting, if hes going shopping and buying ice lollies, then they could be bunging up the bill.

Has he got a social worker still, or is there someone at college that he can talk to, maybe as you have helped him out in the past, with food parcels and shopping, maybe he doesnt realise what ur financial state is, is there any way you can deliciately get around to approaching the subject of budgeting.

if hes paying rent, maybe he hasnt applied for houseing benefit or council tax.

This is meant in the nicest of ways, but prehaps he jealous of eveything u and ur family have, not horribly, but maybe a psychological way, and that is why hes asking for the better quality items as he may think you can afford it.

I know there was a teen guide on this site that is downloadable, maybe go through that with ur son and it may have a rub off effect.

Also some councils have centres that help people out on a low income you can buy furniture very cheaply that people have donated, but also def agree with the freecycle org.

Good luck x

blue_monkey_2

Dah, in the time it took me to post someone else suggested the same thing.

I would like to add though, when I was living alone I lived on crisps and chocolate, kebab, supernoodles and chips from the chippy. Needs must and all that!!

The rent in a hostel is really expensive. You might be surprised to hear that it is around £180 a week and although there are no bills he might have to contribute towards this so you need to bear this in mind as well.

He is clearly trying but maybe he needs the practical help - get him round to cook dinner for you while you watch. He has to learn somewhere doesn't he.

jamtart6

perhaps he can't have tinned stuff because he doesnt have a tin opener or a microwave/access to a pan? you never know!

tesuhoha

He's 19. Definitely not AS. Totally normal. Know this as work in a school and have worked with them. After thinking about it I think that they may be having social evenings and buying beer and that may be where the money is going to. They dont drink to excess but they do like a few cans. I also think that the request for munchies probably comes from my son more than the other one because he went out before dinner and he may want to snack as they watch tv or play computer games. Id like to say thank you for all your input as its very well thought out and there are lots of ideas/suggestions in there.

I will continue to help him a bit but Im going to be more wary and also try to find out whats going on. This is quite difficult because they dont communicate, but just grunt most of the time and that includes my son. He does actually come round for dinner about once a week but its usually when we're having chilli or something like that. The way blue monkey tells it in the second paragraph of post 26 is the way it is with him I think. He's not ungrateful or a bad person but being in care has made him into a bit of an opportunist and who can blame him.

tesuhoha

As for the psychological jealousy, I won't go into detail but I think there may be something in that.