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Financial Impact On Me Iif I Divorce Cheating Husband?
blue_lady_2
Posts: 10 Forumite
Sorry bout the length of this but it's COMPLICATED.
Been married 14 years, have 1 teenage child (And another 21 who lives with his Dad). In he early days of our marriage my husband used to advertise himself as a male escort. He actually did get one or two assignments, one of which was a regular thing. I did know about these. I WASN'T happy about it, but I had been divorced once already and wanted to try to make this
marriage work. In the early days we were so desperately short of money, I sort of uneasily went along with it. It did obviously affect our marriage. I was very resentful at sharing him, wondered if he was ever comparing me to these other women and mostly hated the fact that despite my hating him doing it, he did it anyway.
We moved to another town about 5 years ago and he promised me faithfully that he had stopped. But on a couple of occasions during these 5 years I caught him on sites like Faceparty and adultfriendfinder and came across his ads on the web. He also had one assignation with a woman where he went 2 or 3 times. Each time I confronted him we had a big row, he took his profiles off the web and again, promised me faithfully he would leave it alone. But always said it was purely because we needed the money and it never 'meant anything' to him. Last time which was about 18 months ago I told him that if he EVER did it again it would be the end of us.
We moved house recently so have a very small nest egg in equity from previous property. (7 grand each in ISAs) The car is paid for, (although he took 2k from our equity to 'mod' the car which I wasn't at all happy about - the car's only worth about 3k!) He is working in an good job for the local authority and I have my own small business which is starting to earn me a little money. (We have an 80k mortgage on current property.) You would think that everything would be hunky dory?
The other week he got a really weird phone call on his mobile (which he guards with his life). He has started running out of the room again when his phone rings so I know he's up to no good. So I looked on the temp files and cookies on the computer and found MULTIPLE ads of his on the Internet and one particularly graphic and gratuitous profile on an adult work site. There are images of him (full erection) plus loads of other stuff. The whole profile is disgusting and it states what he will do and can do. I felt physically sick when I saw it all and was particularly concerned that he says he will do you 'bareback' if you like which I imagine means without protection. This of course, has terrible implications for me if he HAS ever been with anybody without using a condom. Obviously I cannot ever let him come near me again now I know this.
Anyway .....
I can't believe he's doing all this again. The fact that he's placing these ad's is the problem - despite whether he meets up with anyone.
I am trying to work out what to do. When I have confronted him in the past he's either said 'well we need the money' or at other times 'it's just a bit of fun - I haven't been anywhere, I'm always at home'. It's as if he cant SEE how I would be annoyed, ashamed or hurt by this.
Half of me says leave him, as he is quite a bad tempered, impatient and intollerent man who has almost bankrupted me through the years, and who can be quite forceful in personality, so extremely difficult to live with sometimes (although he always says it's ME that makes him like it!)
The other half says what about our daughter who is at a very impressionable age. Do I want to bust up the family. We're also tied into a 3 year deal on the mortgage so we would lose a packet if we paid it off (for any reason.)
I also need transport for my job - he would take 'his' car. In the past during rows he's always said that he would 'fight me' if I ever tried to divorce him. he says it's half he's house and that *I* would be the one that would have to leave. This, of course would probably use up the couple of thousand we have left in solicitors fees.
Also would I be able to get accomodation anywhere being self employed - certainly wouldn't be able to afford to buy another property? On my currect earnings I wouldn't be able to even pay THIS mortgage never mind poll tax, light, heat and food for my daughter. He says things like, 'at least I don't hit you, or 'I don't go out boozing all night' and other things to justify what a good husband and father he is. He obviously thinks this sex thing is 'nothing' and doesn't afffect me or our marriage. Well it does - it always has, it's been like a cancer festering away.
Should I just leave things and let him do as he likes? I have a roof over my head, a nice house and use of a car. It's not easy chucking everything at nearly 50 .... There's about 4 - 5 seperate women he's seen on this extra marital basis through the years, some single dates, some 'regulars').
If I leave stuff as it is 'nothing's spoiling' and I certainly don't want to get involved with any other men again at my age. In a funny way I feel sorry for him, but last time I said if he did it again it would be the end of us - and I meant it. And he's done it again. Should let him carry on taking the !!!! out of me for the rest of my life?
Does anyone know how this will financially impact on me if I divorce him.
Been married 14 years, have 1 teenage child (And another 21 who lives with his Dad). In he early days of our marriage my husband used to advertise himself as a male escort. He actually did get one or two assignments, one of which was a regular thing. I did know about these. I WASN'T happy about it, but I had been divorced once already and wanted to try to make this
marriage work. In the early days we were so desperately short of money, I sort of uneasily went along with it. It did obviously affect our marriage. I was very resentful at sharing him, wondered if he was ever comparing me to these other women and mostly hated the fact that despite my hating him doing it, he did it anyway.
We moved to another town about 5 years ago and he promised me faithfully that he had stopped. But on a couple of occasions during these 5 years I caught him on sites like Faceparty and adultfriendfinder and came across his ads on the web. He also had one assignation with a woman where he went 2 or 3 times. Each time I confronted him we had a big row, he took his profiles off the web and again, promised me faithfully he would leave it alone. But always said it was purely because we needed the money and it never 'meant anything' to him. Last time which was about 18 months ago I told him that if he EVER did it again it would be the end of us.
We moved house recently so have a very small nest egg in equity from previous property. (7 grand each in ISAs) The car is paid for, (although he took 2k from our equity to 'mod' the car which I wasn't at all happy about - the car's only worth about 3k!) He is working in an good job for the local authority and I have my own small business which is starting to earn me a little money. (We have an 80k mortgage on current property.) You would think that everything would be hunky dory?
The other week he got a really weird phone call on his mobile (which he guards with his life). He has started running out of the room again when his phone rings so I know he's up to no good. So I looked on the temp files and cookies on the computer and found MULTIPLE ads of his on the Internet and one particularly graphic and gratuitous profile on an adult work site. There are images of him (full erection) plus loads of other stuff. The whole profile is disgusting and it states what he will do and can do. I felt physically sick when I saw it all and was particularly concerned that he says he will do you 'bareback' if you like which I imagine means without protection. This of course, has terrible implications for me if he HAS ever been with anybody without using a condom. Obviously I cannot ever let him come near me again now I know this.
Anyway .....
I can't believe he's doing all this again. The fact that he's placing these ad's is the problem - despite whether he meets up with anyone.
I am trying to work out what to do. When I have confronted him in the past he's either said 'well we need the money' or at other times 'it's just a bit of fun - I haven't been anywhere, I'm always at home'. It's as if he cant SEE how I would be annoyed, ashamed or hurt by this.
Half of me says leave him, as he is quite a bad tempered, impatient and intollerent man who has almost bankrupted me through the years, and who can be quite forceful in personality, so extremely difficult to live with sometimes (although he always says it's ME that makes him like it!)
The other half says what about our daughter who is at a very impressionable age. Do I want to bust up the family. We're also tied into a 3 year deal on the mortgage so we would lose a packet if we paid it off (for any reason.)
I also need transport for my job - he would take 'his' car. In the past during rows he's always said that he would 'fight me' if I ever tried to divorce him. he says it's half he's house and that *I* would be the one that would have to leave. This, of course would probably use up the couple of thousand we have left in solicitors fees.
Also would I be able to get accomodation anywhere being self employed - certainly wouldn't be able to afford to buy another property? On my currect earnings I wouldn't be able to even pay THIS mortgage never mind poll tax, light, heat and food for my daughter. He says things like, 'at least I don't hit you, or 'I don't go out boozing all night' and other things to justify what a good husband and father he is. He obviously thinks this sex thing is 'nothing' and doesn't afffect me or our marriage. Well it does - it always has, it's been like a cancer festering away.
Should I just leave things and let him do as he likes? I have a roof over my head, a nice house and use of a car. It's not easy chucking everything at nearly 50 .... There's about 4 - 5 seperate women he's seen on this extra marital basis through the years, some single dates, some 'regulars').
If I leave stuff as it is 'nothing's spoiling' and I certainly don't want to get involved with any other men again at my age. In a funny way I feel sorry for him, but last time I said if he did it again it would be the end of us - and I meant it. And he's done it again. Should let him carry on taking the !!!! out of me for the rest of my life?
Does anyone know how this will financially impact on me if I divorce him.
0
Comments
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As a follow on, when I say
"Should I just leave things and let him do as he likes? I have a roof over my head, a nice house and use of a car. "
I don't mean we're affluent or anything. We're not. We're working class. He earns about 11k a year and I earn about 7k , so it's not a 'can I give up my jetsetting lifestyle' if I leave him or anything like that.0 -
You say he is working in a "good job" for the local authority at one point - but that he earns £11,000 pa at another point - so I am a bit confused £11,000 pa is awful pay - Minimum Wage or very little more than - so defo not a good job.
If that is all he is earning there isnt a hope in hell I'm afraid of him EVER giving up escort work. I'm sorry to say that - but on that poor level of income from his job he seriously needs to earn more money and if escort work is what he knows about then that is what he will do. Male escort work is VERY well-paid - in fact so much so that I'm wondering what he is doing with all that money he is earning if he does very much of it at all (reckon he must have a secret "stash" somewhere - or hes blowing it on something very expensive).
I'm sorry - this is not what you want to hear - but this is how its looking from where I am sitting.
There is also the non-monetary point about him offering his services "bareback" - yep, I'm pretty sure that means without a condom. Hence - he will be exposing you to all sorts of illness if you still sleep with him. Bad enough at any point - but in this day and age of HIV and herpes you dont want to even consider taking this risk. If he wants to take risks with his health - then thats his choice - but he will be imposing those risks on you secondhand so to say.
Doing that type of work is probably also having the effect of boosting his ego ("wow I must be good - women are paying me for it") - not good either from your point of view.
How much equity is there in the house? Even half the equity should buy you something - even if its only a home-type caravan in a caravan park it would frankly be a lot better bet than staying with this man.
He is trying to put the frighteners on you to prevent you getting a divorce - reason: because he wants to have his cake and eat it (ie do the escort work and keep the house). I very much doubt he cares much for you I am sorry to say.
1. Start getting your own secret stash of cash.
2. get legal advice.
3. DONT DONT DONT sleep with him - or if you feel you absolutely must - then CONDOMS all the way!0 -
Also would I be able to get accomodation anywhere being self employed
I was self-employed for a bit and got my dad to be a guarantor, which was good enough for at least one letting agent. Thankfully, I never needed him to pay my rent for me...0 -
I think you'll find your self respect will be infinitely more valuable to yourself and your daughter in the long run than the somewhat small amount of money you are relying on your husband for. No-one should have to make the emotional sacrifices you are making. Things will be tough initially but there will be a safety net for you in terms of benefits until you find your feet financially. Get yourself to the CAB to find out what you are entitled to and start to plan your escape!2015 wins: Jan: Leeds Castle tickets; Feb: Kindle Fire, Years supply Ricola March: £50 Sports Direct voucher April: DSLR camera June: £500 Bingo July: £50 co-op voucher0
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Have just checked with DH, who should know, being a bloke!
Yes, 'bareback' means without a condom.
Innumerable risks from this, both to himself and to any other female who avails herself of his services, including his legally-wedded wife.[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Æ[/FONT]r ic wisdom funde, [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]æ[/FONT]r wear[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]ð[/FONT] ic eald.
Before I found wisdom, I became old.0 -
The other half says what about our daughter who is at a very impressionable age.
So do you want your daughter living in the same house as a prostitute at this impressionable age? Has she access to the computer where you found all this?
Financially, given your husband's low wage ( a good job?) I can't see that you'd be any worst off if you gave up your self employment and got a full time job yourself. You couldn't be earning any less than he does and you'd have only 2 people to support and some maintenance from him for your child. You've only got a small mortgage so you could ask him to leave and keep your home, eventually buying him out. You've even got savings!
Start planning for his departure; get a stash of your own and start putting out feelers for a job. i can't see that you've got anything to lose.0 -
TROLL................. this has got to be a wind up.
anyone who offers bareback and you would stay with them it total stupidity.
As for a good job £11k don't make me laugh. I'm a postie and earnt £26k last year. £11k, that's the wage for a teenager.
TROLL>.................nothing.0 -
Tom_Saunders wrote: »TROLL................. this has got to be a wind up.
anyone who offers bareback and you would stay with them it total stupidity.
As for a good job £11k don't make me laugh. I'm a postie and earnt 326k last year. £11k, that's the wage for a teenager.
TROLL>.................
I would hazard a guess that you are a troll yourself (edit: seems I was right). I would say £326k as a postie is the bit that is "dont make me laugh" territory.
I think that was a nasty post to put and would suggest you go and do something more constructive - like examine your payslip to check how much you really earn.0 -
It was meant to be £26k look at your keyboard the £ sign is above the 3 !nothing.0
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Tom_Saunders wrote: »
I'm a postie and earnt 326k last year. .
Wow, wages must have gone up since my dad was on the post!:rotfl:
Not sure about being a troll, this sounds genuine to me.0
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