Financial Impact On Me Iif I Divorce Cheating Husband?

blue_lady_2

katiepops wrote: »

Like has been said, you need to start looking at amalgamating your own secret stash of money - what sort of business are you running? Is it something you could work on in the evenings if you managed to get a job outside of the home?

I am an artist. Sole trader

My other thought is, if he's earning money as an escort, is he declaring the income? Are you able to do some detective work to see if you can find out if he has been building up his own secret stash of money somewhere?

Well he's only had about 5 different clients over the years (sole single assignments, some reguar) so no there's no stash of money. The last time he actually went out and did it was about 4 years ago (THAT I KNOW OF) the last few times we've rowed about this when I have found his ads on the I/N he has said 'I'm not going anywhere - I'm here all the time, how can I be doing anything' but it's the fact that he's STILL placing the ads (whether or not he goes out and does it) is where I have the problem.

I told him fair and square last time I found his profile on faceparty and all that that if he EVER did this again i would be the end of us ... and he's ddone it again.

blue_lady_2

OP - I don't get why you put up with it for 14 years?????

Good question. As I ave just put in a previous post, circumstances make it so that it's not always easy to walk away.

I know you said that he promised to stop 5 years ago...but that still means you had been letting him get away with it for 9 years....

It's not so much 'letting him get away with i' I always hated it, resented it, asked, told him to stop time and again but he still did it. I never conddoned it.

No wonder he is still doing it - he doesn't think you are going to do anything about it. You need to stand up for yourself, gather evidenceand put away some money before making a move.

Yes. I told him last time that if he ever placed ads again it would be the end ... and I meant it. Fortunatel we have a little equity from the house move 6 months ago so I am in the posiition now to be able to do something about it.

Your daughter desreves better than to see her mum humiliated in this way. If you found the stuff on the computer, then she could as well. Dunno about anyone else, but seeing my a graphic image of my Dad when I was a teen would have disturbed me for life!! :eek:

He never puts his face on thankfully, but I know it's him because he's still using the alias he used to and the ads are all the same wording as the ones he used to place. Also he's had a weird phone call the other week and he's started running out of the room every ime his mobile rings so I knew he was up to something again.


(((HUGS)))

Thanks

blue_lady_2

swiss69 wrote: »

I cant even see why you are asking the question? I would rather sleep in a cardboard box everynight than live with someone like this. Why would anyone want to stay with a man who does this?

It's not always easy to go when you have no money and small kids to look after.

I am male but if my OH was sleeping with other men

IT'S NOT MEN - IT's WOMEN!

You are in a better position financially because you have a dependant child. Kick him out and take as much as you can from him....

Yeah.

vix2000

Why is it you who has to leave? If your daughter is still in full time education you can get working tax and child credits while you build up your business. If you don't work you would get income support or jobseekers which is not much. If your daughter is still a dependant you would possibly be entitled to more than half of the equity. I would seek the advice of a good solicitor on the quiet, as its possible you would need an injunction to get him out if he can be nasty. Having had similar but not as extreme experiences as you I can understand how very brave you are to face up to this situation. It is very easy to say "I can't understand why you haven't left him' but its not always that easy, and in my experience the older you get the harder it is, and financial security is a big consideration. Its easier to start again at 30 than it is at 50 is my motto!!! Remember, you only have one life, this is not a rehersal, and you really do deserve to be happy, and you don't sound happy with this situation. Get some advice. The more information you get the more confident you will be about doing it. Good luck, and let us know you're OK.
:grouphug:

whitecat

Hi , firstly have you discussed with him why he feels the need to advertise himself to the nation!! I expect he would find it funny but you need to let him know how you feel and why and how its not fair on you or your daughter and how would he feel if it was the other way round. IHe seems rather dishonest so I dont think he can be honest with himself or you for that matter at this moment in time whether its about money, feelings what he gets up to or anything else that comes out of his mouth. Some men (not all) have this tendancy to assume that women are stupid because we on the whole put our trust in them and believe what they say and some take advantage of this and our good nature.

As a first step before finances come into play and for the sake of your daughter I would definately recommend RELATE which you can get the number for in your local directory. I think that its really important that you try to save your relationship first. There are obviously problems there and men are not the best of communicators and an expert can help get to the route of the problem do wonders.

I have friends who have been in a similar predicament as you and its not nice especially when there are children involved. You seem pretty sensible and for the sake of your own sanity and for your daughters as well, I would take a very tough and strong approach. As I mention before I really would try to help your relationship with RELATE. I think its all so easy to just think, I want out but sometimes the strongest of relationships are made out of what deal with and get through and you end up alot more happier than you would be than just moving on to the next guy. After trying relate and should it not work I would see a family solicitor and discuss the implications of putting in for a divorce. They would tell you what you would be likely to expect as well as what the costs involved would be. They also usally offer a free initial consultation. There is no reason why you would have to sell the marital home as you would more than likely be able to stay and can get help with tax credits income support ect to pay the mortgage possibly even half or all of the mortgage ect.

You can usually come to some arrangement as to his contribtions and to the payment of the mortgage as he will still have to contribute to the child and would have to pay maintenance. He sounds like a rat that needs a good kick up the backside and bringing down a peg or two but like naughty children or dogs there is usually a reason for why hes behaving like that and I think that needs to be dealt with.

I would make him aware that you want to go to relate to deal with your relationship breakdown and if he doesnt adhere then point out that the only other option is divorce where he will end up considerably worse off!!

Goodluck
!

Good luck

jojogirly

I just wanted to wish you well what ever you decide to do but to look at the financial implications, firstly I would say try and stash some cash as has been suggested, You may be able to get enough together to buy a small car and for a bond on rented accomodation should you need it.

Secondly if you are seriously considering 'leaving him' I would sort out a solicitor as I would say you should be entitled to the family home. I know its easier said than done to make him leave but you could change the locks when hes at work.

Since you have an income of 7K you would be entitled to working families tax credit (I know they are not always brilliant but its something) which should give your income a boost since it would only be you claiming. I am not sure but I think you could also claim a reduced council tax rate. Other things could be reduced to fit in with a new way of living.

I would also suggest contacting your local surgery and get some tests just to ensure he hasn't passed anything onto you.

I am not going to comment on what your husband has done, try and stay positive, Good luck to you and your daughter.

Butterfliesarepretty

You will be better off without him. £11k for a wage is really really low. I am a clerical assistant and I am on £16k. If I were you I would have throw him out. He is the one who is cheating, passing on to you potential sexual infections, and to other people. Also what sort of father would be an escort???? He is not doing it for the money, more for the excitement. Believe me you may have less money, smaller place to live and your children to look after and minus a car, but you can sleep at night without worrying about what infection he passes on to you, what person he is with, and you will be minus any arguments and you will be in CONTROL of your life and the life for your kids.

I cheated once on my ex-hubby after nine years of putting up with his controlling ways, and I guess I did it for attention, as my ex mentally abused me and violently abused me sometimes, but it was more mental abuse. I was frightened of him and I had no confidence to fight him for my daughter. I left with £7,000 and started again alone. I never went to court with a solicitor as he convinced me it was best. (Little did I know why?) Seven years later I live alone still, but am really happy, my daughter I have plenty of access and I chose to pay through the csa as he was charging me too much. He got married again and that has just failed after 3 years because he again was violently and mentally abusive to his new wife. She was quiet just like me. That divorce is still ongoing, house can't be sold so it drags on. But she has chosen a solicitor and at least she will get what she put in to the marriage.

I would never go back. It worked for me. I am now more myself as I was before I married. You can do it if you try. :grouphug:

saver_sam

I walked out on my husband of 12 1/2 years just under 3 weeks ago.

I found him having an affair last year with his assistant whilst i was pregnant with our 2nd child. I did what I thought was right at the time and forgave him but it really affected me mentally knowing that she still worked with him and could I really trust him? By the time we split up I had lost 2 1/2 stone in weight over a very short period of time, thats how mentally it had affected me!

Well in the end no. He went off for a night away with him telling me it was a business trip by himself; he said someone he knew had put him onto it and had the details via email. Well the silly man left his email open at home, so I go looking thinking I could help out and do some background research for him. Lo and behold, no email! It then took no time at all to figure out what was about to happen, and it took all my reserve to let him go and spend the night away. But in some ways I wanted him to be caught in the act and have no way of denying it. He wasn't going to change and the only person I was kidding was myself.

So I let him go letting him believe I had bought his bs story; even gave him the chance to be honest and tell me before he left that morning but no he kept the pretense up. I then phoned him at the hotel direct the next morning and shouted at him alot.

He then told me he had a legal right to stay in the house when he got home that night, so I said fine, I'm taking the kids and leaving (5 years and 7 months) and left that afternoon after hasterly packing our bags.

We stayed at my parents for 11 days in the end before he moved out. I have no income so to speak (I do a tiny bit of mystery shopping and collect HIPS information brings in no more than £50 pw) but have not worried about it very much. I'm in the process of claiming income support, more child tax credits, hoping the government will pick up the mortgage payments, council tax benefit and single persons discount of the council tax too. He's supposed to be paying a loan we have but only will time will tell if he keeps that promise; still I have said if he doesn't I'm selling the house and putting myself on the housing register.

I now know this is something I should have done a long time ago; probably even before the affair started. For years he's being treating me as nothing more than a skivvy - even when we both worked I still had to do all the house work; treating my savings as a cash cow; more interested in what he or the eldest were up to than me (hardly ever asked me what i'd been doing during the day); giving me no money for groceries but still expecting to eat these past few months; making all these promises to change what we did together as a couple since the 1st time and nothing changed but me accomodating all his requests to go out to the pub, etc; him taking the staff out on a company do at xmas and not inviting me as the other director and not telling me he had done it because it involved her; going to church with our eldest and not saying the other woman would be there with her kids; spending the birth of our 2nd child texting; the list goes on and on.

In the end its been the best thing I have ever done in my life (well apart from having my children); he's made me realise I am not rubbish or someone who has nothing to say; I only said nothing because it felt he wasn't interested in what I had to say unless it revolved around him or the eldest; when I worked I had an IT job and because he didn't want to understand it I gave up telling him about things.

In fact I'm that not rubbish; I've had a couple of offers for more than just a date since we split!!

Our eldest has taken it in her stride (shes 5 years old) so worrying about the impact on her wasn't a problem in the end. The other daughter is too young to know so at the moment it doesn't affect her.

Hope this helps in some way to say that sometimes for yourself and your sanity you have to let go otherwise you spend all your time examining everything he says looking for the lies.

Oldernotwiser

blue_lady wrote: »

swiss69 wrote: »

I cant even see why you are asking the question? I would rather sleep in a cardboard box everynight than live with someone like this. Why would anyone want to stay with a man who does this?

It's not always easy to go when you have no money and small kids to look after.

I am male but if my OH was sleeping with other men

IT'S NOT MEN - IT's WOMEN!

You are in a better position financially because you have a dependant child. Kick him out and take as much as you can from him....

Yeah.

I think you're misunderstanding Swiss' post. Swiss is a man and is saying that if his wife slept with men for money then he would leave her. You're husband is sleeping with women for money so it's a reasonable comparison to make.

I can't understand why you think your husband puts ads on the internet when he's not doing anything. If he's advertising then he's looking for trade; the fact that he may not be getting many replies is not to his credit, he's soliciting just the same. It's the same thing as women touting for custom on the streets of red light districts, just a bit warmer!

Whilst it can be difficult to make a go of things alone when you have small children, that's not now your situation.You've been given some really good advice about different ways in which you could cope financially and still keep your home; if you continue living with him then that's your choice but I would hope that you have more self respect.

If your husband's earning £8 per hour and bringing in £11,000 pa then he's presumably only working part time. Doesn't this give him plenty of spare time for prostitution? I really think that you're taking his word for so much here.

princess

I'm with Tom Saunders on this one!!