SKI-er or Sk-ater. We know how to enjoy ourselves

margaretclare

Further about my 'bulging finances' LMAO. Given that I came from a background of poverty - child of an unmarried mother in the days when that was definitely not the thing to be - it has been a matter of surprise to me that I've been able to save in the last few years, from retirement income in fact, when it never seemed to be possible to save at all in my working life of almost 50 years, and some of that in 'good jobs', the kind with a lot of responsibility. When interest rates reached an all-time low I moved savings to S&S and have been surprised that, even in this difficult financial climate, they have grown! Forgive me if I even mention this.

The last time I recall feeling such anger as I've felt in recent days was towards the end of 1990, and it involved what was done by one sister to the other one (now deceased). I felt such anger, such a cold rage, the kind which can kill. I refused to speak to elder sister because I was afraid of what I might say, and my then husband was desperate to 'keep the peace' because he was desperate to remain involved with the grandchildren and to have them to stay. I kept my mouth shut because of him. In fact we did have them to stay for the whole of the summer holidays 1991 but, shortly after they went home, he was told that they wouldn't be coming again and he would never see them again. That, I think, was what finished him off. It's now known scientifically that 'dying of a broken heart' is not just a saying, it can actually happen.

The anger is subsiding and I'm left with just an overriding sadness. Where did I go wrong? Certainly she couldn't possibly have been more loved, planned for, cherished, cared for. It's OK during the daytime when there are other things to distract me, but it has been terrible the moment I lay my head on the pillow. Things going back over the years have just gone round and round in my head. I have to try and distract myself by playing over favourite songs in my head.

Yesterday I talked to a young woman I've known for years - she was my late daughter's best friend, was my matron-of-honour at my wedding, and she knows all the people concerned. It does not surprise her in the least. I wasn't even going to tell her - I phoned to thank her for my birthday card - but she sussed out that there was 'something' and she put her finger on just where it was coming from. 'I remember all that Liz told me' she said. Thank goodness there are people that DO understand.

About the wills, I have tried so hard to be 'fair' to everyone, because in a second marriage - as others have said on this site - you have to think of these things. I agree with DH that we'll not name anybody, except each other, and leave it like that. For those who think that paying for things for eldest GD wasn't 'telling her I love her', well, she is not the kind of person to be very lovey-dovey. She's very, very independent and buying her a new cooker, a duvet and all the rest, has been a practical expression of love which she appreciated.

margaretclare

Errata wrote: »

MC I'm afraid when you post about personal matters on a public forum you have to accept you may not get the response(s) you seek.
That's the nature of the beast.

Yes, I appreciate that. It's just that, in a sense, it can be cathartic to write it all anonymously to those who have no personal involvement. There is understanding, from a few people who know personally everyone involved and are not even surprised. I'm sorry I even mentioned money. That was not what it was about.

Errata

You seem quite distressed and I wonder, given that you're a committed Christian, that talking things through with your vicar/minister/pastor would bring some ease?
I'm reminded of one of Quasar's straplines "Staying angry is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".

NAR

margaretclare wrote: »

About the wills, I have tried so hard to be 'fair' to everyone, because in a second marriage - as others have said on this site - you have to think of these things. I agree with DH that we'll not name anybody, except each other, and leave it like that.

Margaret, I'm sure the solicitor will advise you, but you have to put something in your will about your wishes should both of you die at the same time. (I hope you realise I'm trying to be practical here)

margaretclare

Errata wrote: »

You seem quite distressed and I wonder, given that you're a committed Christian, that talking things through with your vicar/minister/pastor would bring some ease?
I'm reminded of one of Quasar's straplines "Staying angry is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".

Thank you for this. In fact something that was said during yesterday's evening service was very helpful. It was about the life of Eric Liddell (of 'Chariots of Fire' fame). He died in a Japanese prison camp and he was quoted as saying a similar thing.

The anger is subsiding. I know that I'm incapable of staying angry for long and never do anything out of sheer malice. I just cannot hold a grudge for long and, as my friend said yesterday, I have held out the olive branch so many times. The same isn't true of the other parties in this tragedy.

It's just, as I said earlier, a deep sadness and pain in my heart. Disappointment when I tried so hard to do my best. But it shall not kill me. I have things to live for - my DH and his family. We have a future together and we intend to make the most of it. Who knows, whatever we've saved in retirement may yet be needed to pay for things we can no longer do, as the years progress, and that has always been what it was intended for.

Errata

I think there's a standard phrase about inheritors surviving for 28 days, and if a married couple die at exactly the same time the eldest is deemed to have died first.

seven-day-weekend

MC, if it was me, I would write a letter to my daughter telling her that whatever happened was in the past and that I will always love her whatever happens. I would apologise for any hurt I had caused her, albeit unintentionally. I would say that I would love to be involved in her life if she ever feels able. I would then post the letter. Then I would forget about it (as much as is possible).

That way, the ball is in her court, you have shown her love and forgiveness and a willingness to be part of her life. That is all you can do and at least she can't ever say that you didn't care.

I would also talk to your minister or some other person at your church about it and let all your hurt and anger come out. It's always better out than in.

Then at least you can sleep easy at night knowing you have done the right thing. If your daughter chooses otherwise, then at least that will be her choice and not because of anything you have or haven't done.

These are just my thoughts, please feel free to ignore them if you feel they are not relevant.

God bless and I hope it all goes well for you. xx

margaretclare

Thank you for this, 7DWE. Unfortunately I have already done as you suggest, more than once. On the last occasion only about 3 weeks ago, I received it back by return, torn across and with 'How dare you' written on the front. DH emailed her after that and got back the response 'It's none of your business, leave me alone'. She changed her email address soon after. So you see, all efforts up to now have fallen on stony ground. I know you mean well, and it's hard for most people with normal loving family relationships to understand, but there really is nothing at all to be done.

I am getting over this, gradually. I shall survive, with the loving support of DH and the affection of his family. I may have to avoid places where older people go because all you hear is about grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I've been talking to a former colleague who lives in the next village (about something entirely unrelated, a bad experience on a recent coach-based 'short break' and a hotel that didn't deserve its stars) and she mentioned they are soon going to her granddaughter's wedding. I just said 'I hope all goes well'.

Unfortunately, too, our dearly-loved minister has just left, at the end of July. This is what the Methodist Church does - ministers don't stay in one place for more than 6 years at a time. She has a replacement, but we haven't met him yet.

margaretclare

Errata wrote: »

I think there's a standard phrase about inheritors surviving for 28 days, and if a married couple die at exactly the same time the eldest is deemed to have died first.

The problem with this is that DH is 8 months the elder, and if that happened it would all go to my biological line - you can guess where!

seven-day-weekend

margaretclare wrote: »

Thank you for this, 7DWE. Unfortunately I have already done as you suggest, more than once. On the last occasion only about 3 weeks ago, I received it back by return, torn across and with 'How dare you' written on the front. DH emailed her after that and got back the response 'It's none of your business, leave me alone'. She changed her email address soon after. So you see, all efforts up to now have fallen on stony ground. I know you mean well, and it's hard for most people with normal loving family relationships to understand, but there really is nothing at all to be done.

I am getting over this, gradually. I shall survive, with the loving support of DH and the affection of his family. I may have to avoid places where older people go because all you hear is about grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I've been talking to a former colleague who lives in the next village (about something entirely unrelated, a bad experience on a recent coach-based 'short break' and a hotel that didn't deserve its stars) and she mentioned they are soon going to her granddaughter's wedding. I just said 'I hope all goes well'.

Unfortunately, too, our dearly-loved minister has just left, at the end of July. This is what the Methodist Church does - ministers don't stay in one place for more than 6 years at a time. She has a replacement, but we haven't met him yet.

I'm so sorry Margaret Clare You obviously already done all you can do. I just pray that one day your daughter will realise how unbending, unforgiving and judgemental she is being.

I'm glad you have your happy marriage.

I know what you mean about the church as well. When the pastor of our old church retired, it just didn't seem like 'home' any more, although the new pastor was OK. We never felt settled there after that, and now we go to a different church, which DOES feel like home. We were at the first one for 25 years.