SKI-er or Sk-ater. We know how to enjoy ourselves

NAR

MC maybe you should have said these things to your daughter long ago; she sounds a right piece of work. I know you were holding fire for the sake of family, but there is only so much a person can stomach. She no doubt will have helped poison this GD against you too. It is sad to see these situations developing, but you also must be strong and hold to your beliefs and standards. It has cost them dear, if only they knew it.

So Margaret there is only one thing for it - SKI early and SKI more often from here on in! :beer:

NAR

Hopefully this will give you a certain amount of closure with two spiteful, nasty people by the sound of it. Perhaps a notation in the will, or an accompanying letter, explaining your decision regarding the SIPP money will give you a final stroke of satisfaction from beyond the grave! :rotfl:

Savvy_Sue

I've had MC's situation at the back of my mind all day.

I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound as if your GD was phoning you regularly or irregularly, or that there was any kind of two way communication - you kept up with them via FB. So to expect that they'd phone with news - any news - seems optimistic at best.

And would you want them to have stayed in contact in the hope of money? My mother tells me to tell my sons that if they write to her, proper letters, she's likely to send them money. I've told them. They've declined to write proper letters. And for that, I can't blame them. I'd hate them to write just because they expected to get money from her. Money's just not that important to them.

Plus she's always liked the thought that she could control any money she gave us. "I want to give you some money, but I want to know what you're going to spend it on first, and if I don't approve I won't give it to you." She does the same with the grandchildren: has to know what they're going to spend any birthday money on before she agrees how much to give them, can't just say "what would they like, here's £20 towards it."

mumps

Times change, you are offended that you didn't get a phone call, my grandmother would have been horrified to be told such news on the phone. She would have expected a nice letter or a visit. As I said times change. I don't know the background but you and your daughter clearly have a lot of issues, your granddaughter is obviously going to have heard her mother's side of things so I think you need to understand that. To be honest your comments don't sound very nice to me, quite judgemental in fact. It isn't really anything to do with you if your granddaughter has chosen to have a baby before marriage. I always find it quite funny that people seem to need to produce their own bridesmaids before they can marry but it is the way now for many people. I got married in 1970 and I know my mother was probably horrified at my slightly hippy ideas but she never said a word. I try to do the same with my children. We have to let them live their lives.

I feel sorry for your husband as it must be hard to see you upset but I think he was wrong to get involved, it just made it worse. Did he actually give his opinion on Facebook? What a public way to tell off your granddaughter, a grown woman. If he did say it on Facebook it isn't really surprising that others joined in, remember your granddaughter is pregnant and her partner and her parents aren't likely to appreciate him upsetting her, yes young people can also get upset.

I hope you will all be able to put this behind you as it would be sad for you to miss out on the baby. I would be trying to build bridges not telling them what they have missed out on. As SavvySue says it does come across that you are using money to control them, I accept it wasn't what you meant but is that what they thought you meant? My MIL did much the same, I don't think she ever realised how it made the grandchildren feel, none of them were prepared to look like they were after her money so it put a distance between them. They were all completely relaxed with my mother who didn't have a penny so no chance of anyone thinking they were gold digging with her.

If so she feels like this aren't you just a little bit proud that she can't be bought?

Family is priceless and I would walk on hot coal to be close to my grandchildren. I understand about your late husband, it would break my heart to lose them.

I hope you won't take offence at what I have said, it would be easy to just say they are awful and pat you on the back but I can't help feeling this situation is not going to make you happy in the long term and a new baby can be a great opportunity to start afresh. I really hope things work out, as I said earlier on I don't know what started all the problems but I think the rights and wrongs of it are probably long forgotten. Good luck and I hope you do see the baby.

mumps

margaretclare wrote: »

Mumps, I appreciate what you're saying but no, the thought of help with money was not of primary importance, it was very much a 'middle of the night' idea. I have been told by daughter that 'the twins are growing well but you will never be allowed to see them'. I am not going to walk over any hot coals following that. I have done so, over many years, but no longer. I recall the time of my younger daughter's wedding - she was desperate to have her nieces and nephew involved, and I ate a whole tablefull of humble pie just to have that happen. Some of the things that were done, to younger sister by older, are all part of that 'War and Peace' novel that I mentioned earlier. There was no reason for the way elder daughter did some of the things she did. In the Easter holidays of 1980 her Dad was away with Sea Cadets, younger sister and I were both preparing for exams, and elder daughter announced to me - I'll never forget it - 'I'm going to get married in June and I don't want you and Dad at the wedding'. That was it. In those words. Obviously I asked if she was pregnant, and, for several days, she denied it hotly. Even to one of my fellow-students - it was Poly then. I'll never forget him opening those wide, very blue eyes of his and saying 'Are you pregnant?' Her reaction: 'You behavioural scientists are all alike. All you can think of is sex'. Again, those exact words. When it eventually did come out that she was pregnant, we weren't worried about 'what the neighbours think' as in my generation - we wanted to slow her down a bit, she hadn't known the guy five minutes and they were from a fairly different background, a bit like the young man at present. Just be sure you know what you're doing and we'll arrange a nice wedding at the village church, say, September. She moved out to live with his parents, then they went to visit friends at the RAF base where he was stationed then, the next Sunday we got a phone call to say they'd been married the day before. I have never seen anyone, man or woman, cry as her Dad cried that day. But you see what I mean - she was quick enough to leap into matrimony even though she hadn't known him long. Was it just to get an RAF married quarter? By contrast GD has been 'in a relationship' with this young man since mid-teens AFAIK.

My thoughts on marriage before children are because of my upbringing, and I can't help that. The way I grew up, illegitimate, in a village where I was the only child like that (even though some I knew were the products of incest!) has bitten deep. I can't apologise for that. If a marriage means nothing to you then, fine. I'm often hearing 'it's just a piece of paper' and 'only an excuse for a party' or 'it costs too much' (it needn't). But that's not the way my daughter thought in the summer of 1980 - she did it in the most hurtful way possible, and deliberately. I think this may be another opportunity for her. Well, I am not playing her game. No longer.

I think you misunderstand me, I am not saying marriage isn't important what I am saying is that the world has changed, young people have a different view of things, some better some worse.

Re your daughter's wedding, it was just that, her wedding. I chose my wedding, it was small, cheap and just a bit hippy. My son has spent a fortune on a very formal wedding, very traditional, very expensive, no children invited and a really posh hotel. Not what I would choose but it was their choice. My view was I would spend £20k on something else but I helped out with the cost, said what a lovely venue, meal etc. He hasn't chosen it to spite me, maybe your daughter just wanted a quiet wedding? Did her marriage work out? It isn't easy to predict is it, I got married at just 17 and a year later was a mother. I was told I had wasted my life but I have four great kids, got my degree later in life and am happy with my life. I have cousins who did it the "right way." Had the long engagement, the big wedding and the quick divorce. Were you able to choose your wedding? Perhaps she lied about the pregnancy as she thought you would disapprove? Perhaps she hated the village church?

To be honest I feel sorry for you all. You have obviously had some hard knocks in life and your daughter must feel she has reasons for the estrangement. Sad for everyone.

Just wanted to add I have no reason to suppose you were being controlling about the money, just suggesting that this is how it may have come across to them. Your post about your other granddaughter and all you have done to help her, and well done on that, is all about money. Nowhere do you say how much you love her, what a joy it was to help her or similar. I am sure you do feel that but sometimes, just sometimes, people like to hear it. Of course you may say that to her but can you see what I mean?

NAR

Sounds like a sensible solution that "last man standing" decides where your money goes (cat's home is starting to look favourite! :rotfl: ).
Don't forget to allow for a double demise, God forbid, in a car accident or some similar circumstance.

NAR

Oh dear very sad news indeed.

Errata

What a very sad and sorry story: everyone hurt and hurting but nobody forgiving. Pride is a very unforgiving horse to ride and inflicts a fair amount of damage on the rider.

mumps

margaretclare wrote: »

Yes, they are still married after 30+ years. He told me once 'Anyone who gets in her way when she's decided on something, is either a fool or very brave, and I'm neither'. Maybe that's how their marriage works. It was just the bald announcement 'I'm getting married and you and Dad are not invited'. Just that. Do you know anyone else who has announced an impending wedding like that? Because I have never heard of it from anyone else.

Well a 30+ year marriage is an achievement not many manage that do they? My daughter has told me that when the time comes she intends to just go off with her boyfriend and do it, she doesn't fancy all the fuss. Nothing like her brother but each to his own. Perhaps she was a bit more tactful than your daughter but basically the same message. Now if she told me I couldn't go to her child's baptism I would get offended, my favourite of all the big family occasions.

What a shame that your husband's family feel like that, I come from a mixed marriage but we were lucky as both families were fine with it.

Perhaps you can SKI all the money and won't need to worry about wills, if you do I hope it is fun and brings you some joy.

margaretclare

Oh, we will certainly SKI some of the money. We are lucky, I suppose, that we don't need to spend all the money that we get.

Now if she told me I couldn't go to her child's baptism I would get offended, my favourite of all the big family occasions.

Yes, I love those. We've often been to a baptism without meaning to, when we went to a church wherever we happened to be on holiday. But none of the GC has been baptised themselves so that is unlikely to happen. But it's the same thing, isn't it? Being told that we're not even worthy of being told about the pregnancy!

DH 'married out' when he married his first wife way back in the 1960s, I'm his 3rd wife, so he has been cut out of parts of the family for a long time. Just a few of his relatives haven't taken that attitude, but a lot have.