Depression Support Thread

feelinggood_2

LadyMorticia wrote: »

I've never binged and purged as I have a really big phobia about throwing up and the thought terrifies me. I'm not sure what binging and purging feels like. Does it feel like a sense of control etc?

I feel out of control when I binge, and purging is getting some control back. I think there is a bit of 'punishment' involved. Its a pretty degrading thing to do to yourself, and I feel pretty rotten when I purge, but my head tells me that I deserve to feel bad because I'm worthless, greedy, fat etc.

LadyMorticia wrote: »

CAT is....weird....lol. Well it was for me. I had it primarily to help my PTSD because I have flashbacks and nightmares. In one of our sessions I had to put myself into a flashback and then go through it. Then when I came out of the flashback I had to put myself into the same flashback again but with my adult self rescuing my child self. It really caused a lot of deep rooted memories to come back to the surface and they have never shifted since I had the therapy. I found it very stressful but different therapies work for different people. The therapy is about analysing your thought patterns and the vicious cycles they cause and trying to change the thought patterns so that there are better outcomes.
CBT didn't help me but I was about 15 or so when I had it and at a very bad place in my head then so my mind wasn't really open to therapy at that time. CAT therapy just made me feel a lot worse. It was very hard work.
xx

Thanks for that, very interesting. Its only recently that I've started to accept what happened to me, and I think thats a big part of why I'm so low. I suppose I was in denial for a long time. I talked about things a little with the OT who assessed me, and she came out and told me that what happened was abuse. Can't stop thinking about it since then, all the feelings of shame, guilt, rejection and everything have resurfaced. I've only ever had one flashback, that felt very real and really, really scary. I often get 'hit' with a smell, taste or sensation that really reminds me of 'it', which is a horrible feeling. I should probably mention that to the Pysch shouldn't I?

LadyMorticia

feelinggood wrote: »

I feel out of control when I binge, and purging is getting some control back. I think there is a bit of 'punishment' involved. Its a pretty degrading thing to do to yourself, and I feel pretty rotten when I purge, but my head tells me that I deserve to feel bad because I'm worthless, greedy, fat etc.

Ah. I understand now. My anorexia is similar. I feel like a bad person so deny myself food and because I think I'm fat and associate food with feeling bad and getting fatter. The physical pain from it takes my mind off of all of the emotional pain. It's a vicious cycle and I want to be healthy but I don't want to put on weight, which I know is inevitable that it's going to happen.

Thanks for that, very interesting. Its only recently that I've started to accept what happened to me, and I think thats a big part of why I'm so low. I suppose I was in denial for a long time. I talked about things a little with the OT who assessed me, and she came out and told me that what happened was abuse. Can't stop thinking about it since then, all the feelings of shame, guilt, rejection and everything have resurfaced. I've only ever had one flashback, that felt very real and really, really scary. I often get 'hit' with a smell, taste or sensation that really reminds me of 'it', which is a horrible feeling. I should probably mention that to the Pysch shouldn't I?

I was in denial too for a while. I thought what my family did to me was normal, and I couldn't understand why my friend's parent's didn't at the same way. I didn't realize I had been abused until I was I went into foster care at aged 14 and read my case notes. It took a long time for me to get my head around and I had a really hard time dealing with it.To me, I felt (and still feel) like I was hurt by my family because I was a bad person because that's all I'd been told. It's a hard thought to shift. Nobody knows the extent of things that happened and I know I should open up about everything, but it's hard isn't it?
I sometimes get sensory flashbacks. Hearing their voices and the smells of the environment and it's horrible because it makes me feel like I'm back there, in that situation. Do you feel like that too?

It might be helpful to tell your psych but make sure you can trust them somewhat first - as I find that always helps.

xx

feelinggood_2

LadyMorticia wrote: »

Ah. I understand now. My anorexia is similar. I feel like a bad person so deny myself food and because I think I'm fat and associate food with feeling bad and getting fatter. The physical pain from it takes my mind off of all of the emotional pain. It's a vicious cycle and I want to be healthy but I don't want to put on weight, which I know is inevitable that it's going to happen.

I go through periods of restriction, but I always lose control and binge again. I feel like my ED isn't valid because I am very overweight. Only thin people have EDs! I'm scared of gaining weight. I desperately want to loose weight, but can't seem to manage it. I see my purging as 'damage limitation'. I'm starting to get physical symptoms now - sore throats, stomach pains, scarred knuckles and stuff like that. Sometimes I can't believe that I'm doing this to myself. I use food to numb emotional pain, then purge to remove the guilt. I was teased as a kid for being 'fat'. I wasn't really, I was just an early developer - much taller and more rounded than other kids. After the abuse I really gained weight. I wonder if maybe I wanted to make sure that no man ever wanted to do that to me again, but then again, I was trying to have sex with anyone.

LadyMorticia wrote: »

I was in denial too for a while. I thought what my family did to me was normal, and I couldn't understand why my friend's parent's didn't at the same way. I didn't realize I had been abused until I was I went into foster care at aged 14 and read my case notes. It took a long time for me to get my head around and I had a really hard time dealing with it.To me, I felt (and still feel) like I was hurt by my family because I was a bad person because that's all I'd been told. It's a hard thought to shift. Nobody knows the extent of things that happened and I know I should open up about everything, but it's hard isn't it?I sometimes get sensory flashbacks. Hearing their voices and the smells of the environment and it's horrible because it makes me feel like I'm back there, in that situation. Do you feel like that too?

It might be helpful to tell your psych but make sure you can trust them somewhat first - as I find that always helps.

xx

I don't understand the sensory stuff. I'll just be out doing something, and I'll get a smell or physical sensation which really reminds me of what happened. Its not like the flashback when I really felt like I was there, its just a really strong reminder and quite upsetting. Its been 10 years, should I really remember what he smells like?

I have a lot of guilt and shame around what happened. I was 11-12 at the time, so I feel like I should have known better, that I shouldn't have let him do it, that I shouldn't have kept going back.

LadyMorticia

feelinggood wrote: »

I go through periods of restriction, but I always lose control and binge again. I feel like my ED isn't valid because I am very overweight. Only thin people have EDs! I'm scared of gaining weight. I desperately want to loose weight, but can't seem to manage it. I see my purging as 'damage limitation'. I'm starting to get physical symptoms now - sore throats, stomach pains, scarred knuckles and stuff like that. Sometimes I can't believe that I'm doing this to myself. I use food to numb emotional pain, then purge to remove the guilt. I was teased as a kid for being 'fat'. I wasn't really, I was just an early developer - much taller and more rounded than other kids. After the abuse I really gained weight. I wonder if maybe I wanted to make sure that no man ever wanted to do that to me again, but then again, I was trying to have sex with anyone.

Anyone can have an ED regardless of weight hun. [[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

The good thing is that you acknowledge that you have a problem and that is a very big first step.
Sometimes I can't believe what I'm doing to myself either and I feel like I can't control this anymore. I know I look really unhealthy compared to how I used to look when I was better and I want to be fit but old habits and cycles die hard, as they say.

Do you think that you wanted to have sex with loads of people because you wanted to feel loved and wanted?
I've never had sex so I'm not sure what it feels like emotionally but I have a friend who was abused and that's the reason why she wanted to have sex, because she wanted to feel valued and worth something.

I don't understand the sensory stuff. I'll just be out doing something, and I'll get a smell or physical sensation which really reminds me of what happened. Its not like the flashback when I really felt like I was there, its just a really strong reminder and quite upsetting. Its been 10 years, should I really remember what he smells like?

What happened to you was very traumatic, so it's not surprising you are still reminded of it through smells and sensations. It can be very hard to deal with and to be reminded but remember hun that he can't hurt you anymore. You're a fighter and whilst it's horrible to be reminded of those horrendous things that happened, you are in the here and now and he can't hurt you now. [[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

I have a lot of guilt and shame around what happened. I was 11-12 at the time, so I feel like I should have known better, that I shouldn't have let him do it, that I shouldn't have kept going back.

At that age you were a child and you weren't at fault hun. He was an adult who should have known better and not abuse your trust in such a horrid way. He is the one who should feel shame and guilt - not you hun. [[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

xx

LadyMorticia

An example of me on my "ebay obsessed" days:



xx

feelinggood_2

LadyMorticia wrote: »

Do you think that you wanted to have sex with loads of people because you wanted to feel loved and wanted?
I've never had sex so I'm not sure what it feels like emotionally but I have a friend who was abused and that's the reason why she wanted to have sex, because she wanted to feel valued and worth something.

I started sleeping around not long after the abuse stopped. Its messed up really - I think I missed the attention and affection I got, and was desperate to recreate it. I did feel a bit rejected when it stopped.

LadyMorticia wrote: »

What happened to you was very traumatic, so it's not surprising you are still reminded of it through smells and sensations. It can be very hard to deal with and to be reminded but remember hun that he can't hurt you anymore. You're a fighter and whilst it's horrible to be reminded of those horrendous things that happened, you are in the here and now and he can't hurt you now. [[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

Thats the thing though, they weren't really that horrendous. It can't have been if I kept going back for more. I didn't feel traumatised at the time. It felt a bit dirty and wrong, but its not like I was thinking "Oh no, this is very bad and it shouldn't happen'. Is that weird?

LadyMorticia wrote: »

At that age you were a child and you weren't at fault hun. He was an adult who should have known better and not abuse your trust in such a horrid way. He is the one who should feel shame and guilt - not you hun. [[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

xx

Thank you. I just feel bad for claiming I was 'abused'. To me, really abuse is really horrific, and much worse than what I went through.

And thank you so much for taking the time to have this conversation with me. Its weird, sometimes I just really, really want to talk about things, but I don't have anyone I trust.

LadyMorticia

feelinggood wrote: »

I started sleeping around not long after the abuse stopped. Its messed up really - I think I missed the attention and affection I got, and was desperate to recreate it. I did feel a bit rejected when it stopped.

I can understand that.

Thats the thing though, they weren't really that horrendous. It can't have been if I kept going back for more. I didn't feel traumatised at the time. It felt a bit dirty and wrong, but its not like I was thinking "Oh no, this is very bad and it shouldn't happen'. Is that weird?

That's not weird at all. Different people have different feelings when they have been abused. It's not weird at all and more common than you think.

Thank you. I just feel bad for claiming I was 'abused'. To me, really abuse is really horrific, and much worse than what I went through.

To me abuse is anyone hurting you in such a way that betrays your trust and leaves you feeling hurt and violated. Abuse is abuse hun, no matter what type or who abused you. It still wasn't a nice thing to go through and nobody should have hurt you in that way. [[hugs]]

And thank you so much for taking the time to have this conversation with me. Its weird, sometimes I just really, really want to talk about things, but I don't have anyone I trust.

My two big ears are always open to listening.
Sometimes I want to talk bout things too, but it's hard. I struggle a lot with trust issues.

xx

LadyMorticia

I'm going to go and have a lie down now as I feel so exhausted but I'll be back later.

xx

feelinggood_2

Have a nice lie down LM. Thank you again for being here today

I'm pleased because I managed to track down a florist who can deliver some flowers to my Sister-in-law tonight. I felt so bad that I forgot about her B'day, but I'm glad I did something about it and got something sorted.

slowlyfading

hey all. well, i'm terrified for tomorrow, i really am.