Catch 22 situation - another baby or not?

Nenen

Jaiden wrote: »

My neighbour is in kinda the same boat, she has 3 boys aged 2, 8 and 10 and longs for the day when she can do pink girly things instead of piles of muddy football boots messing up her hall.

There is no guarentee that even if someone has a girl she would necessarily like pretty pink things! My dd was a tomboy from the word go... always wanted to do messy stuff and hated wearing dresses. She ended up playing rugby to a high level too! To be honest she is more stereotypically male than my sons are! I also know two other families who had a third child to try for one of their preferred sex. One got the little boy she wanted and the other went on to have a third son instead of the longed-for daughter! To this day the latter friend cries whenever she hears of someone having a dd as she feels so jealous but she said herself she just couldn't risk the mixed feelings of trying again and getting another little boy!

I'm very lucky I know as I have three children (s,d,s). However, although I love them all dearly I really wish I'd either stuck at two or won the lottery, had good health and been able to afford four! As other posters have said, society is geared towards two children and three can be a logistical and financial nightmare, especially as they get older. Believe me, trying to support three children close in age through teens and university is a HUGE financial drain. If I knew then what I know now I don't think I would have had my third baby and that's despite the fact that I desperately wanted another son and longed for another baby. Our two sons (aged almost 18 and 22) still have to share a bedroom while my dd has a tiny boxroom. Dh and I squeeze everything in somehow but do feel fed up sometimes with the lack of space and privacy.... How the Victorians managed to have 12 children in a 2-up 2-down I'll never know!

I constantly fought my broodiness to have a fourth from the birth of my 3rd at 31 until I was 45... to the point where my b00bs ached when I heard babies crying in the supermarket! I thought I'd never get over it. However, almost 5 years on, I've finally lost the urge to procreate myself... but can't wait to be a grandma!

Now we are at this stage I'm really glad we didn't have a fourth as to be honest it is just so difficult helping three and I feel torn in bits sometimes between wanting a life for myself and wanting to help each of my children. At an age when many of my friends (especially those with fewer children) are financially comfortable and secure we are still struggling.

Like the OP I was ill during and after each pregnancy (got worse with each one) to the point doctors advised against another. At the time I was devastated but felt that I owed it to the children I already had to be fit, healthy and happy for them. I thought it would be selfish of me to fulfill my desire to have another baby if it meant that my 'little angels' would have to suffer having an (avoidably) ill mummy for months if not years.

Sorry for my long ramble... but hope my experiences might give you some food for thought. The broodiness does eventually go away but it is agonizing sometimes I know! Good luck with your decision.

tinkerbell84

Nenen wrote: »

There is no guarentee that even if someone has a girl she would necessarily like pretty pink things! My dd was a tomboy from the word go... always wanted to do messy stuff and hated wearing dresses. She ended up playing rugby to a high level too! To be honest she is more stereotypically male than my sons are!

Be careful, OP.

A friend of mine had a stillborn girl as a result of her first pregnancy. She tried again, and they had a healthy boy. Then another. Then another. She kept trying for that girl. She had 3 miscarriages and 5 boys before getting the girl she wanted.

She'd dreamt of frills and pink things, and the girl couldn't have been less 'girly'. With 5 big brothers she didn't stand a chance!!

How far are you prepared to go?

Could you look to adopt a little girl instead?

mountainofdebt

Again playing devil's adovate here but could the desire for another baby being fuelled by the fact that your youngest is about to start big school?

~daisy~_2

what about leaving it in the lap of the gods and seeing what happens ?

pretty scary tho actually ....sorry no constructive advice roxy but would also be concerned if the baby was to be a boy ....

p.s have missed reading your diary !!

affordmylife

i have two sons and 6 years later had a daughter.

it is totally different and totally brilliant but i could have been the mother of three sons just as easily.

i changed husbands after the two boys to a new husband who was already father to two daughters ( i thought he was a better bet for daughter production!). joy of joy it worked.

i truely would have felt deprived and liked id missed something had i not ever had a daughter. i knew that my daughter was my last baby whatever sex she had turned out to be so im overjoyed and blessed to have her. she is now 8 years old.

i would say go for it but be prepared to keep trying cos you may get more boys.

two stories for you apart from my own.

an old friend desperate for a daughter had five sons then got sterilised suffered terrible depression after each delivery (after the first two) at her disappointment at still not having achieved her dream.

another friend is mother of three sons and was overjoyed to be pregnant with a much longed for daughter who was very tragically stillborn last year.

sometimes we have to quite while we are ahead.

i also work in a special needs school and the fact that not all babies, male or female are guaranteed to be healthy so with the two healthy boys you have now you will need to continue to think long and hard about the possibilities.

i wish you well in your search for fullfilment xxxxx

melie3

it shouldnt matter what sex they are as long as they are healthy i say.
im mum to 3 girls 9, 3 and 10 months. i waited so long as couldnt fall for no 2 baby, and then my baby came along. i too have a nagging in my mind about a 4th. i dont have the room really only have a 2 bed house, but i dont feel that matters. but i would worry what my gynae would say, as ive had 3 c sections, and some of the midwifes were suggesting i have a sterilisation during the last c section. i did lose blood, not enough to have a transfusion, and as i had a dvt in my 2nd pregnancy, had to inject daily with clexane during 3rd pregnancy. they just petrified me before last section warning me that i could have to have a hysterectomy if womb didnt contract( a problem with sections). its not i desire a son, it obvously would be lovely, but i wouldnt mind another girl either. and god knows why i want one, but everytime i look at my lil uns they make me broody. i also always wanted 4, think thats because i am only 1 of 2.

RoxieW

hi all - thank you for your replies. I think I'm even more confused now thou! lol. We did talk about adoption - but looking into it - I dont think I'd be able as I've had depression (its managed but still). I'm abit scared now thinking about not having a healthy baby. Of course thats what I wan tfirst and foremost - i think that goes without saying. But I do long for a girl and like another poster said - I cant imagine going through my life without one. Bit sad, but I guess I have my reasons.
I think mentally I'm preparing for it as I've started having a clear out/redecorating and I've started taking vitamins. Its just the actual going for it thats scary. You'd think it got easier but I didnt worry this much when I was 20, pregnant and a skint student!! I guess back then I didnt feel I had much to lose but now I'm really happy in our situation I dont want to rock the boat.
In reply, I honestly dont think its the fact ds2 is going off to school as previously I have been very career focused and really looking forward to going back to work. But then, as Louise said, I started thinking ahead - would we be able to give up my wage to stay at home again once we'd gone down the route of bigger house etc?? I dont think so so it came down to now or never. Wish I'd thought about it earlir tbh and had less of a gap!
We will be able to move in a few years time so the space situation isn't permanent. I guess I just wanted it perfect from day dot this time around but now I feel like I'm tempting fate for something awful to happen by being so ridiculous.
Thanks for all the replies - have given me food for tought definately!

ps hi daisy - yes i'm guilty of letting my diary lapse Went a bit mad spending and was far too shamefacd to put it all down!!

~daisy~_2

melie3 wrote: »

it shouldnt matter what sex they are as long as they are healthy i say.

it shouldnt your right ......but sometimes it just does

tinkerbell84

RoxieW wrote: »

hi all - thank you for your replies. I think I'm even more confused now thou! lol. We did talk about adoption - but looking into it - I dont think I'd be able as I've had depression (its managed but still).

There's something seriously wrong if you wouldn't be able to adopt if you wanted to, but could keep popping out kids of your own!

RoxieW

Hi tinkerbell - I think the fact that its just labelled as mental illness rules me out. As far as I've read anyway. As I said, its managed by medication, excercise and just generally being aware of myself. It has never ever effected my boys adversely in any way -I've made sure of that - and it wouldnt effect a new baby.
we could try for adoption as I dont think the rules are hard and fast - but to start going down that route to be reused would be very difficult.
Also, with adoption, even if successful it could well be years before we were offered a suitable child.