Catch 22 situation - another baby or not?

RoxieW

Hi All

Am hoping outside opinions can clear my head on somthing i seem to be going around in circles with.

I'm 25 and have 2 little boys - 5 and coming up to 4. I had ds1 straight from uni and have basically been a SAHM'. I worked a year up to last Sept but my job involved lots of travel and I didnt like the boys being in childcare. I was doing my dream job but in the end it confirmed that I'm more of a 'home' person and wanted to shelf my own career ambitions to be there for my boys. So I've put work on hold and am enjoying the last year before ds2 goes to 'big school'.

I've started thinking about having another baby but my mind is in turmoil on this issue. The main prob is that our house is too small. We have 3 beds but the 3rd is a tiny box room. Our boys would have to share a room and it just generally feels too small - no storage, no garage etc.

The most sensible idea would be to go back to work when ds2 starts school, go back to work, continue saving, buy a bigger house then in 5 years or so think about baby no 3. But neither me nor hubby wants to do that. We dont want to have suh a huge gap between siblings, nor do we want to go back to nappies etc when ds2 is 10 years old.

So for us, it is now or never. And its a catch 22 situation. We need a bigger house to accomodate a baby, but in order to afford a bigger house I need to be working fulltime which I dont want to do with a baby.

We are happy as we are with our two boys. We have lots of fun together and a new baby would mean having to make changes to the things we do as a family. I'm scared of the big change. But I'd also desperately love to try for a little girl - and I dont like the thought of never experiencing having another baby.

I'm just so confused.

I'm sorry for the long selfish post but am hoping outside opinions might help me to set my head straight and make a desicion one way or the other.
Thank you

Jaiden_2

I'd say go for it! I also had my girls pretty close together, there are just 17 months between them and we did that so that the nappy stage would be pretty much done and dusted a lot easier. But then we both felt broody and even tho i wasnt bothered about the sex of the third we thought it would be nice to have a boy.

When my oldest was around 5 we started trying and after a couple of months bub number 3 was on the way. He turned out to be a beautiful boy to compliment my beautiful girls and even tho they fight like cat and dog, the girls share a room while my son has his own box room.

Our house is turmoil of mess and stuff everywhere and like you we dont have a garage either, but i think that if we had waited till we could afford it, we wouldnt have had our little boy and after all is said and done, when its bedtime and you look at all those little faces sleeping like angels, who cares about stubbing your toe for the 100th time on the same power rangers toy

vixarooni

Age gaps are fab! Less fighting for sure. 13 years between me and my brother, wouldnt change it for the world!

I say follow what youre feeling in your heart. Sorry for the cheese but you only live once!

If it were me i would wait to get a bigger house personally. Right now im living at home with my boyfriend and my brother so theres 5 of us in a 3 bed house. It gets cramped and finding time alone in the house is a huge rarity!!

hobo28

Having one child is easy (although you think its hard at the time!), having 2 is a big shock, having more than 2 is a money pit.

I had two kids and now with my new partner we have 4 between us. One thing I've noticed is how much society and life is geared towards 2 kids, 2 parents. For example, family tickets to places usually only allow up to 2 kids. Going on holiday will mean extra charges and many rooms won't be big enough.

Having more than 2 kids means also going from a family car to a people carrier.

Family life just becomes a lot more hectic and expensive. If you can cope with that then go for it. But if I were in your shoes I'd be looking forward to getting some of your life back as the kids grow and enjoy that more.

bloomin_freezing

If you're wanting another child go for it! Of course there will be fear and worrying how you'll cope but you WILL cope. Have a sort through, de-junk your home, buy some shelves (just a suggestion!!) you'll make space somehow. If you're not working now, my personal thoughts (and what i'm doing now) is you may as well stay off work have this new baby then look to go back in a few years and then buy a bigger house.

Personally I'm not a fan of big age gaps for siblings. My dd is 2 1/2 and we're about to start ttc in the next few months, if it happens sooner rather than later she'll be almost 4 when her brother or sister arrives, thats more of an age gap i'd have prefered but I can't change that now.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. But rememebr that things may change so whilst you're young and healthy try for the new baby, there will always be jobs and houses to buy!:)

newcook

is there anyway you could convert loft into another room?!

mrcow

What about getting something part-time whilst you are trying for a baby? For example, I work on weekends which means that we never have to use childcare to cover work. That way, you'll be entitled to materity pay whilst off too and you'd have a job to go back to as well. Don't forget that trying for a baby can take longer than you hope for sometimes.

btw......I've recently had to face up to the reality that there are not going to be any more babies for me and it's a hard pill to swallow when your heart wants to try for more. If you both want to try for a little girl.....then go for it. It is hard work with three.......but when you're all in it together, it's also lots of fun.

morg_monster

Just a warning - if you do decided to leave it for now and have an age gap, after having the new bub, you may find yourselves wanting another so that bub has a sibling closer in age. Of course by then you may be financially more secure and with a bigger place so 4 isn't such a big deal - but just to warn you! This is what happened with my BF's cousins family, their kids are now 36, 34, 27, 24. It worked out great, but just something to think about.

kmate

After two kids I still had that nagging feeling of wanting more. I retrained and went back to work and got on with things but the feeling didnt go away. So we had baby number 3. I can say now that it is great, hard work, very hectic, but my home feels FULL of life and Im glad we did it. I havent really noticed a huge difference money-wise, although going back to work is not really worth while until all at school due to cost childcare.
The nagging feeling has now gone, so its "shop-shut" for me now!

RoxieW

Thank you so much for your replies.

Unfortunatley we cant convert the loft and tbh its not just the bedroom issue - the main bugbear is where to put pram - we have no garage, a tiny hall space - thou saying that, somehow I found space for a double buggy with the other two but the house just seems o much smaller now that they've filled it with their things!!

There seems t be so many reasons against - one I didnt mention was my health. Pregnancy and me dont seem to go well together. My first left me with sciatica which has cleared up for the most part now (thank god!) I had severe SPD with my second and unable to walk for a while. I couldnt even get upstairs. That was very difficult but at least I didnt have school runs to thinki about - I could stay in all day. If it happens this time I'd be up the creek without a paddle so to speak. Does anyone know if its very likely to happen again if its happened once? I also had constant sickness for 6 months (I was just throwing up nothing 24/7)!

There's the space issue. Also, our car is a tiny clio.

Then theres the change. At the minute its great - we take the boys out, run around together, go to theme parks, go cinema, biking and swimming. All that will change with baby in tow.

After all that - why am I still 80% sure I want to go for it!!??

With the first 2 there was lot of 'making do'. DS1 was a 'happy accident' and we were both still at uni and totally skint. His cot was from a charity shop and we coul only afford the basics. DS2 had alot of DS1's hand me downs, them being so close in age. We're in a much better position financially now and I think, as I know this is going to be our last 'go', I just want evrything to be "perfect". I want the baby to have a proper nursery and I want a changing table and a proper goddam nursing chair!! (one wont fit in the box room). It sounds ridiculous out loud, I know.

We have been umming and ahhing over just going for a bigger house. On paper we an afford it but I know that in reality we'd be sailing close to the wind - if something happened, lots of rate rises, pay cut etc, we'd struggle and I dont want that worry over my head.

So many reasons to wait. And I know we are v young and it wouldnt be the end of the world to hang on, but we had kids young and we have big plans for when they've flown the nest! We have decided that its now or never.

Final word - honest truth - if someone told me that baby no 3 would definately be a boy I wouldn't have another. Its just that I'm absolutely desperate for a little girl. And that scares me.

RoxieW

hobo28 - half of me agrees with you. We love our life as it is and its great now that they're older. Much easier. OH and I get to go out more, take trips away. As you said, its easier to take the kids out. We really do have a great great life and I'm scared of rocking the boat. But I long for a daughter and feel I have to give it one last go. Sex of the baby aside, I also cant imagine never having another baby. I'd love to do it all one more time (I think!!). And I dont want to put it off now to end up going for it in 3/5/7/10 years time.