How to get through to OH?

MissEyre

Hi hon,

Have just read this thread through-I'm so sorry to hear about the time you're having with OH.

Have you been to see your GP yet? I really think you need to.

I think you could do with a break from OH-any chance of having a few days staying with a friend, or at your parents home? Not sure if this is practical, but I think you need a bit of thinking time by yourself, which will be hard it OH is there.

If I was you, I would be thinking-am I happy? Is this relationship giving me what I want and need from it? Does my OH bring out the best in me, and me in him? Do we share the same values? I know if I answered no to those questions, I would be need to be thinking about why I was still in the relationship...but then it's easy for me to say that, as I'm single.

Do please do what you think is best for you-we only get one 'go' at life.

Thinking of you-hugs xxxx

pixiepeople

[quote=MissEyre;9141411
If I was you, I would be thinking-am I happy? Is this relationship giving me what I want and need from it? Does my OH bring out the best in me, and me in him? Do we share the same values? I know if I answered no to those questions, I would be need to be thinking about why I was still in the relationship...but then it's easy for me to say that, as I'm single.

Do please do what you think is best for you-we only get one 'go' at life.

Thinking of you-hugs xxxx[/quote]

I have been thinking these things for over a week...and I am still unsure of the answers.
Although I was telling a friend..."if he moved out..I dont think I would miss him"
That says it all really doesnt it?
we have been together 10 years and I would not throw it away lightly but I think I have been unhappy for a while.

MissEyre

It sounds like you have made your mind up-have you discussed anything like a trial separation with OH? Even the idea of it might be enough for him to realise how serious you are, and how unhappy this is making you?

pixiepeople

I think I have:o
i also dont think it would be a trial at all.
I just feel as if I dont even care what he thinks anymore...is that bad?

vandanfc

No, I don't think it is bad.

But I do think that a trial split is the way to go. You cannot be certain until you have spent time apart that this is how you want it to be permanently. At the moment he is causing you to feel bad by simply being around and not either actively helping you or giving you the space your require. Being apart and not having the "wound" continually reopened might mean that when the "wound" is healed you feel differently about him and your relationship.

Whatever you decide don't feel bad, it's not all down to you, a relationship is usually made or broken by 2 people.

Keep strong and take some time out.

Vanda

chevalier

pixiepeople wrote: »

I think I have:o
i also dont think it would be a trial at all.
I just feel as if I dont even care what he thinks anymore...is that bad?

Whilst I know that he is being a a*s, I would put off doing this UNTIL YOU HAVE SEEN A GP. If you are depressed, this can switch off your emotions. I am coming (slowly) out of the other side of depression. At the begining it felt like I was on one side of a wall, and my positive emotions and feelings on the other. I didn't feel love, happiness, joy only anger, disinterest, sadness, or sometimes nothing at all. My children would be crying and I would feel nothing, mainly vague irritation that they were needing my attention. That is when I went and got help

You may find that some form of intervention (and don't dismiss tablets they helped me), will give you a different perspective on things.

chev

ZTD

pixiepeople wrote: »

He didnt even seem to be "that" upset...he went upstairs for 2 hours and that was about it.
If it had been me I would have been raging.
Dont know what this means though...
does he even care? did he hold in his emotions because he didnt want to look stupid? is he scared in case I find the bottle to split up with him?
He still doesnt want to talk about things though, so I dont know what to do from here.
Advice gratefully received;)

If someone says "I don't like you any more." - are you going to rage at them in an attempt to make them like you? No - because that will be silly.

I would guess he's hoping that by not talking about it, it'll all blow over - and depending on your past history of argument, anything he doesn't say can't be taken down and used against him at a later date.

You are going to have to persuade him to talk - but that requires convincing him you're not going to argue. If you've done this in the past, then that may be a challenge.

ZTD

vandanfc wrote: »

Hi Pixie

Are you sure you aren't my alter ego ?

My husband too does not do talking, it can be very frustrating. He too would probably have gone to the wedding and stayed out because, I had told him too, not realising that this was not really what I wanted. But he thinks he is doing the right thing because that's what I have asked for !!

Talking is about communicating. If your lips move and words come out and what you say isn't the message you want to put across - then you're not communicating either.

vandanfc wrote: »

Sometimes you just can't win.

Ask for what you want. No more - no less. Then if you get it, you have no complaints.

vandanfc wrote: »

I think that I have finally got to grips with the idea that I need to spell things out to him and not hope that he might understand that I am indeed upset and why, 'cos sometimes he just don't see it. Mens minds work very differently to ours and we have to remember that and compensate for it.

Absolutely. What's wrong with answering a straight question, with a straight answer?

After all, when traffic lights are on red - you don't have to guess what that means...

boredofbeingathome

Some good advice by chev, it would be unwise to make things worse it may make you feel more depressed by the upheavel. Interesting to have a male perspective z, i never thought about that line of logic as Mr. bob is fond of sulks as well, and is always reckoning he can't win an argument- probably due to my having a long memory and being able to quote arguments word for word back at him. Thanks

pixiepeople

ZTD wrote: »

If someone says "I don't like you any more." - are you going to rage at them in an attempt to make them like you? No - because that will be silly.I meant that he didnt show any kind of emotion.Not that I expected him to shout at me

I would guess he's hoping that by not talking about it, it'll all blow over - and depending on your past history of argument, anything he doesn't say can't be taken down and used against him at a later date.Thats the thing though we dont argue and we dont talk about things thats why we have the situation we are in now

You are going to have to persuade him to talk - but that requires convincing him you're not going to argue. If you've done this in the past, then that may be a challenge.

It seems that trying to get him to talk about anything is a challenge:o
its like getting blood out of a stone.