How to get through to OH?

vandanfc

pixiepeople wrote: »

I think he thinks I am some sort of control freak:o and he doesnt want to let me deal with the debt.


Pixie, can I ask a couple of questions and make a couple of comments.

Whose name/s are the debts in ? Are any in just his name ? How much is just in your name ?

Is there enough money each month to pay all the essential bills. is mortgage/rent, ctax, water, insurances, car costs, phone, bb etc, food etc ?


If the debts are all in your name is he helping you to pay them back and is this what the problem is ?

If they are his debts only, you may need to step back and let the proverbial hit the fan and let him sort it out (this is assuming that this has no knock on effects for you as a family).

If they are joint debts, then yes you will need to keep pushing the issue for money from him every month to cover his half of them.

Don't know if any of this is relevant, but just my random thoughts on the matter.

chevalier

fetherston wrote: »

Oh Merlot I know exactly what you are saying . My OH does not work because of sickness, will not claim sickness benefit and so has no money. It has not stopped him running up £55k on credit cards. Im not paying them but I do wonder what will happen next. (Luckily the house is in my name).

I really don't understand why people won't claim benefits to which they are entitled. After all that is what you are paying all that national insurance for! Perhaps you could fill in the form for him and then just get him to sign it?
chev

vandanfc

Hi Pixie

Thanks for the replies. Firstly make an appointment to see the Doctor about your depression.

Secondly:

So none of the debt is actually in his name ?

So he will never feel the need to pay it off quicker as any repercussions will fall on you.

When do your 0% deals run out ?

Can you swap any of the 7% debt onto a 0% card ? Thus making it cheaper but still paying the same amount as you would have to the 7% card, thus clearing it quicker.

"yes there is,we have no others debts.
when I last did Martin's budget planner it said we should have £340 spare each month!"

Is this supposed £340 in the bills account or what is left in each of your own accounts ?

If it is in the bills account can you transfer it out to yet another account in your name only as soon as you both pay the money in ? This can then be used to overpay on the debts and stops it being available to be frittered away.

If it is money that is spare in your individual accounts, I think that you might have to grin and bear it, as your OH is obviously not ready to sort it out.

helcat26

Dear Pixie
I am sorry to hear you are getting so low about this. However I am finding myself getting crosser on your behalf about you OH behaviour.

If I understand it correctly
1. he ran up a debt spending on your cards
2. he is not being pro-active about paying it off
3. he's watching you get upset- depressed and crying and his response to this is to call you names

Frankly my dear he sounds like he needs a kick up the A***

I am obvious a tough b**** but what I would do in your position would be to look at the big items he aquired spending on your card- items such as gadgets or clother or whatever.

I would then pick an item and set a deadline.

That playstation game for £20?
That new radio for £30?
that amount must be in the kitty to pay off the debt by the end of the month or it goes on ebay.
Then next month pick 2 more items.

Relating the debt to items he wants and has bought will personalise it as his debt.
At the moment he is not seeing it as that so he is not taking it seriously. He will when items disappear!

If you cannot pay for an item that you buy on HP they would take it back- this is the same thing.

Oh and please change the pin on all your credit cards so he cannot do it again!

Good luck

tudorfan22

To me he sound slike every man I ever met! Women want to be proactive and men want nothing in impede their happy little lives, kicks up the bum aren’t for them!! My OH tooks months and months before declaring bankrupt, even though he had nothing at all to lose, no house no car, was completely the right decision to do, even then it took him 6 odd months to do it, each month the bank swallowed up his entire pay packet in charges and debt repayments etc. all completely unnecessary but he wouldn’t listen! I ended up supporting him for 6 months – also he won quite a lot on online poker! But I think in this instance you may need to realise that love them or hate them its very hard to change a man, if he’s like it now he prob wont change.

You need to get your depression sorted out – obvious comment I know – but also be really proud of yourself for being so money wise and caring that you’d want to help out people you care about! You may have tried and he may brush you off, but maybe you need to focus more on yourself and accept that you cant change him.


(((hugs)))

wendybird

Oh dear.... I really feel for you. I can see how you might feel a bit hopeless about all this - it seems you've been very busy doing all the thinking and holding all the anxiety about money, even going so far as to sort his debt for him and he sabatoges your efforts!

Can I suggest that you may need to let go of the responsibility about his debt. Sort it out ONCE more for him - find him the lowest interest rate card you can, have him sign the papers and focus on your own debt. He clearly needs the consequences and you really just cannot save someone from themselves!

Once you do this you can focus on your debts, take whatever measures you choose to to clear it quickly and you gain control back over your financial situation. This may help to alleviate some of the depression as well.

Forgive me if I am stepping over the line here, but....it may also be that there are other things going on in your relationship and this is just a symptom of other things gone awry. If this is the case you may want to think about putting some money away in case it all goes pear-shaped (after you pay debts of course!). By doing so you will know that you are in the relationship because you CHOOSE to be, not because you have to be.

Good luck with it all! And big hugs to you!

vandanfc

Hi Pixie

As much as you are finding it hard to communicate with him you really need to. If you can't speak to him why don't you write him a letter. Explain him to him in words of one syllable just what this means to you, ie. don't want to end up with it all out of control, if clear debts sooner rather than later actually leaves more money to spend, etc, explain it is getting you down and that you feel alone in all this. In fact tell him every last thought about how it is making you feel, but use very simple language. Give it to him and leave it for a few days and then ask him what he thinks about it.

If this doesn't work, then you need to sit down and have a long hard think about whether you can learn to cope with his attitude over this or not.

Can't offer any more practical ideas I'm afraid. It seems like he is waiting for you to sort it all out again, because you always do if he leaves it long enough - so you have a couple of choices, sit on your hands, or sort it out as usual, but he will never learn that way, but don't stew over it.

pixiepeople

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pixiepeople

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pcplum_2

Hi,

My husband is much the same as yours, we have been together 9 years and I am currently having treatment for depression and we are £41k in debt. I found it really difficult to talk to hubby about how I felt and as someone has mentioned I wrote my husband a really long letter going through good and bad things starting from when we met up until the state our marriage had became. Once he had read it he was really shocked at how down I had got. When you are depressed everything comes out in anger and my OH said he just switched off because he was scared that I no longer loved him and in truth my attempts at having a chat came out as one long rant instead of a constructive conversation.

Try the letter, even if it doesn't work it made me feel alot better reliving memories good and bad and slowly I am moving forward.

Hope this helps