How to get through to OH?

pixiepeople

.....................

vandanfc

Hi Pixie

If he has doubts about how you will react, ask him to write it in a letter too. That way he won't be in front of you to hear what you might have to say. Also if you do react badly he is not there to witness it and pass judgement. It will also give you time to think about what he has written and to have a reasoned response for him.

I know communicating by letter seems strange, but at least it is a start, and when neither of you are likely to misunderstand what the other has to say, a real face to face conversation might be doable.

Keep strong.

Did you make the GP's appointment ?

Hugs.

Vanda

pixiepeople

Well we had a chat last night.
He still doesn't get that it was not "all" about him but it was about my feelings towards things.:mad:
He said we had never had an argument until I started looking on here.
( we are not the arguing types anyway)
I don't think we have had an argument this time either:o
He doesnt seem to understand that I am depressed.
My friend tried to tell me that months ago:rolleyes: have only just admitted it to myself.
He applied for new card though.
I think as somebody else said it goes deeper than the debt though.
Was supposed to be going to a wedding with him today but couldnt face it.
I think the end may be coming
He did say "would you rather hve some debt and the family be together or no debt and the family apart?"
I said I would rather just have no debt full stop.

Merlot

Offering you a hug, your OH lightbulb may be dim just now, but if he sees that you are not happy he might just get switched on, sometimes one has to do a drastic thing, like leaving to make people realise what they had.:grouphug: Keep your options open, and keep talking to us, we are here for you.

Merlot.x.

vandanfc

Hi Pixie

Glad you managed to talk, but sad that he still can't see it how it is. Keep strong, as Merlot has said we are here for you, so keep in touch.

Vanda

pixiepeople

Spoke to Mum today she said "You cant change him,Do it for yourself,maybe if you threaten to leave he'll see how serious you are"
She told me not to bottle it up ( I'm not very good expressing my feelings )That's why she's always greeting;)
Feel a bit better now I have told her.

vandanfc

Mums are very wise. Unfortunately it may be the only way to wake him up.

Def. best not to bottle it up. If you can't speak to him come and rant on here, we will all understand - "a problem shared etc". comes to mind.

Have you seen your GP yet ? If it's anything like my surgery you will have a week to wait for an appt.

Hope you have a decent weekend and try and chill about the debt issues just for this weekend.

Vanda

pixiepeople

Sorry I haven't been back on to update,but here goes...
On the morning of the wedding I woke at 4 am thinking:o got up and decided that I wasn't going to the wedding.
Didnt want to spoil the day for everybody...OH said "you might have told me earlier.:mad: I will stay if you wish"
I made him go because I knew if he stayed we would end up not talking any way.
he stayed out till 11.30 because I told him too.
I sat in on the pc having a party to myself with a bottle of vodka.
I really needed too.
feel better since then.
I have found someone on here how is willing to listen to me babble on and they really cheer me up:A .
After further discussion with OH I have told him I no longer know what I feel about US any more.:o
It was a big step because I think I have been denying this for a while.
He didnt even seem to be "that" upset...he went upstairs for 2 hours and that was about it.
If it had been me I would have been raging.
Dont know what this means though...
does he even care? did he hold in his emotions because he didnt want to look stupid? is he scared in case I find the bottle to split up with him?
He still doesnt want to talk about things though, so I dont know what to do from here.
Advice gratefully received;)

vandanfc

Hi Pixie

Are you sure you aren't my alter ego ?

My husband too does not do talking, it can be very frustrating. He too would probably have gone to the wedding and stayed out because, I had told him too, not realising that this was not really what I wanted. But he thinks he is doing the right thing because that's what I have asked for !! Sometimes you just can't win. I think that I have finally got to grips with the idea that I need to spell things out to him and not hope that he might understand that I am indeed upset and why, 'cos sometimes he just don't see it. Mens minds work very differently to ours and we have to remember that and compensate for it.

If you are uncertain of how you feel and of his feelings for you, could you ask for a trial break ? Has he got somewhere he could move to for a couple of weeks ? Or have you got somewhere ? This time apart might make you both think about what you currently have or have not got in your relationship as the case may be.

You can't think straight if you are wondering about the other party coming in and interrupting. Some time apart might give you time to focus, face up to being able to live alone/away from him, if this is what you end up deciding.

I think you are now at a crossroads and need to decide which path to take. You are clearly unhappy with his inability to discuss things and need to decide if this is something you can live with forever more (because lets face it, he is unlikely to change).

Don't know if any of this helps.

pixiepeople

vandanfc wrote: »

Hi Pixie

Are you sure you aren't my alter ego ?

My husband too does not do talking, it can be very frustrating. He too would probably have gone to the wedding and stayed out because, I had told him too, not realising that this was not really what I wanted. But he thinks he is doing the right thing because that's what I have asked for !! Sometimes you just can't win. I think that I have finally got to grips with the idea that I need to spell things out to him and not hope that he might understand that I am indeed upset and why, 'cos sometimes he just don't see it. Mens minds work very differently to ours and we have to remember that and compensate for it.

If you are uncertain of how you feel and of his feelings for you, could you ask for a trial break ? Has he got somewhere he could move to for a couple of weeks ? Or have you got somewhere ? This time apart might make you both think about what you currently have or have not got in your relationship as the case may be.

You can't think straight if you are wondering about the other party coming in and interrupting. Some time apart might give you time to focus, face up to being able to live alone/away from him, if this is what you end up deciding.

I think you are now at a crossroads and need to decide which path to take. You are clearly unhappy with his inability to discuss things and need to decide if this is something you can live with forever more (because lets face it, he is unlikely to change).

Don't know if any of this helps.

I think you have hit the nail on the head.
I know he has somewhere he could go...its just actually getting the words out thats difficult.
Although he made it easier the other night for me to tell him about my feelings towards us because he had a face like fizz but didnt want to discuss it.
I forced him too:rolleyes:
He said that my problems had given him problems
he really doesnt have a clue.
he also said that he and the kids had been walking on egg shells....He decided that not me..I never asked anybody to treat me differently that would have annoyed me.
Just because you are depressed, should not mean people sneaking round you.
He is driving me nuts I can hardly bear talking to him just now:o