How do I tell them or...

Daft_Pegasus

Whilst I agree that I don't think you should say anything yet in case the situation changes, you also have to consider just when you will tell them. The last thing you want is them feeling (at some point in the future) that you've kept things from them.

I really hope it works out for you and the kids.

hcar

Thought I would re-start this thread as I need advise again and instead of it not making sense, you can all re back to 1st post and advise me ! thanks.

On the verge of crying (or a breakdown).

Kids dad phoned yesterday 1st time since he phoned and said he didnt want to see them, so some 3-4 months back, asking where we were, what school kids were in, if they were ok etc and then he asked to talk to them but (I know this is wrong) but I put the phone down, see thing is they havent spoken to him for months havent spoken off him for months too ! It was a very odd phone call as I couldnt speak properly as family were around so just answered "yes""no".

His girlfriend txt as if it was him, saying I'm taking you to court, I have rights, Im a good dad. So I text back saying 1st of all you said you didnt want to see kids again but fine, dont text or phone me again we will do it through the courts. She then text back saying something like why is it always about you. Which I didnt understand but didnt reply.

I didnt say anything about him not be allowed to see kids and said before I moved I would bring them to him every 6 weeks. I want my kids to see their dad.

She/he text again this morning seemed a bit calmer and asked if we could sort it out, I text and said I would phone tomorrow.

Now I dont know why I'm crying, well ok I'm not good with stress.

So 1, what do I say, stick with see them every 6 weeks, see what they have to say ? what ?

Also totally different but same thing, my ex long term who isnt the kids dad but brought them up since youngest was 1, wants to see kids, but its all got to be shush shush cos his girlfriend doesnt want him seeing them. We have been split up for 18 months and he use to see them on and off, I dont know what to do ??

(think Im going to go grey or in a mental hospital by the end of the year ! :j )

all advise welcome thanks.

Rachel85

Hi There,

I hope the move has gone well for you.

With regard to your children's dad. I think what you need to explain to him is that you believe he is a good dad and would very much like your children to have regular contact with him. Re-affirm that you would be very happy to take the children over to visit him during the school holidays, every 6 weeks or so as you said before. However, I would also highlight to him very strongly that he needs to think long and hard about whether he genuinely wants to have contact with them. Explain that, since he decided he didn't want contact, it has been very difficult on you and the children and whilst you hope that he does decide to reverse that decision - deciding that he does want to see them and then changing his mind again would be disasterous for the children. He really needs to make up his mind once and for all. Also stress that, whilst he of course won't get to see them every week, that in order to maintain a relationship he needs to ensure that he keeps in contact with them more regularly than that. So for example ask him if he could phone them once or twice a week just to keep communication up.

If you decide to call him you need to ensure that you are calm and able to talk openly for as long as necessary. Another option could be to write him a letter. I know this isn't for everyone, but sometimes it can help to put your feelings and views across without getting upset or angry.

I hope he decides that he does want to see them and that you can come to an amicable arrangement that everyone is happy with.

Rachel

P.S. With regard to your ex who isn't their dad - I wouldn't let him see you or the children. It will only end in tears.

mishmash

Hi

I agree mostly with the above post, I would call the kids Dad try and be as calm as possible, explain that you would like the children to have a good relationship with their father and want to support them to have this, however it has been very difficult over the last few months when he has not wanted to see them, an upsetting time for you and the children.

While children do benefit from a good relationship with both parents they also need consistancy and stability, each parents have to be able to put the child's needs before their own. I would not personally offer to do all the transporting of the children at this time. I think the Dad needs to evidence his commitment to his children and you should ask him to telephone regulary (at least weekly at a set time) and to come to see them a couple of times prior to you allowing staying contact. If he shows this commitment then reintroduce staying contact.

At least you will then know he is committed to his children.

With regards to your ex (who is not the Dad).I would not be happy for this hush hush thing to continue, i agree it willonly end in tears.

Hope all goes well.

Mish

hcar

Thanks both for your advise, will have to keep calm when phoning !

misty

Personally and I guess there's quite a few who will disagree with me - I would let him take it to court. He has shown a total lack of care for his children - telling you he didn't want to see them - leaving you to deal with the aftermath of that - no contact for months and now with no warning wants to see them again. What if he changes his mind again in another few weeks?

If you get a formal court arrangement - then he will need to stick to it. He can't just mess them around and if he does then he will have more than just you to do deal with when he wants to re establish contact again.

Whilst ideally they should see both parents - I think feeling secure and stable is paramount and someone dropping in and out of their lives when it suits him - will leave them feeling insecure.

As for the ex who wants to keep it quiet that he is seeing them - then I would say no. Will he expect them to keep quiet about seeing him? what kind of a message is it to them? If he can't see them legitimately than don't bother.

AnnieH

What misty said

hcar

Ok just to up date I phoned him/her at 5pm ish (which I asked would it be ok time to which he/she said yes) his girlfriend answered and said he wasnt in would I phone back at 9pm ish. So I have decided to go see a solicitor tomorrow instead. If he cant simply answer the phone when he agreed to do so I cant trust him when it comes to kids.

Thanks everyone.

pavlovs_dog

hcar, just to prove that you havent been 'unreasonable' before it all gets to the court stage, it might be an idea for you to phone at 9pm and say that you were prepared to try and sort it out amicably between you for the sake of the kids, but you're sick of him messing you and the kids around, and that you're going to your solicitors about it tomorrow.

supermezzo

Can I add my two pence worth as a kid who was messed about by a very negligent/thoughtless/cruel missing in action 'father' (pah!).

I'd let him take it to court (thats presuming that he can be bothered!) as later on, when the kids ask questions and are old enough to understand whats been happening, they will see that you tried to make life stable for them.
Whatever happens, please do not run the risk of them being let down/left waiting for the phone to ring/disappointed when he doesn't stick to the rules because the damage can be very hard to repair.