How do I tell them or...

hcar

I made 2 children with my ex hubby, we split a few years back and even though he didnt see them regularly he did see them, but he phoned 3 weeks back saying he didnt want to see them again and I havent heard from him since.... Do I tell the kids that dad has gone, do I not tell them, do I sugarcoat it all. I dont know what to do for the best, any one have advise ? My children are 5 and 7

Sola

Ouch - they're so young it would be traumatic to tell them outright, I think. How long do you think it will be till they notice they haven't seen him for ages?

findingmyownway

*hugs* to you in a very hard situation

The kids are too young to fully undersant what has gone on. I don't think telling them that 'daddy never wants to see you again' is a very good idea at all. Apart from the fact he may change his mind in the future, the kids are only going to blame them selves and be very unhappy.

I would go with the plan of ignoring the situation until they bring it up. If they havent mentioned him in 3 weeks they clearly dont have a close relationship as it is. If they ask 'when you we going to see daddy' then i would reply honestly, 'i don't know, he hasn't phoned for a while, i think he must be very busy'.

Then focus on YOUR little family. If you make them feel that there are special and their family is complete then you are setting them up well for coping with their father's rejection.

Unfortunatly if your ex is determined not to have anything to do with them theres isnt much you can do (i assume u have been to CSA??).

withabix

Difficult one. Just about to take my 2 home to their mum now. Have been divorced for 7 years but couldn't even contemplate such behaviour :mad:

I take it he is paying full CSA-level child support payments? (15% of take-home for 2 kids).

skylight

Personally, I would ignore it. They are too young to understand.

At least the current arrangements with him were already erratic so you may find that they may not "miss" him. Deflect any questions with a simple "I do not know" and remind them that they are loved.

Its going to be heartbreaking for you but they simply will not understand why Dad does not want to see them. He is never going to tell them, and for the time being, neither should you. You are the bigger person here and need to act like it. In a few years time you can explain (If things are still the way they are), and what you don't want to do is have to deal with telling the kids and then Dad suddenly changes his mind (he may not, but you just don't know).

I would leave it. Not tell them anything, just answer with "I don't know darling". If he comes back into their lives then great, and if he doesn't then you can explain things when they are older and more likely to understand.

Never is too long a time for them to deal with at 5 and 7.

Big hugs. It must be awful for you. But the kids need you.
xxx

Gingham_Ribbon

I don't believe in lying to children, but I wouldn't tell them this yet. I presume you don't know why he's said this so I'd say if they ask that you don't know why he's not been in touch but that if he can't be around for now they still have you and you love them very much.

Then I'd ask him to reconsider and try to find out what the problem is.

Good luck. THis must be heartbreaking for you.

hjb123

I dont think I would tell them, probaby wait until they mention it - but be prepared for the question.

I cant believe someone could actually want to have nothing more to do with their children at some an age

Do the children have anything to do with any others on his side of the famly?

nearlyrich

My ex cut my DD dead at 9 but still had a relationship with her brother, her crime was to ask if she could do something other than stand in the rain watching dad and brother persuing a hobby that she was excluded from because she was "just a girl".

You just give them enough love for two and avoid blaming the dad as they will work it all out for themselves in the end.

Good luck.

belfastgirl23

Do you have any idea why he said this? Does he have a new GF or did one of the kids say something that in his mind meant that he shouldn't see them? Or is he going through something that makes him think he's a bad dad?

Only asking because it does sound like a really strange thing to do and I suppose my first inclination would be that he might mean it at the time but might feel very differently in a year or two's time. I definitely wouldn't put the kids through telling them about it in any case. And of course as the others say (and no doubt you already do ) make sure they know they are loved.

hcar

We split and divorced some 4 years back and from the beginning he was meant to see the kids every weekend it never happened but he had them every other Saturday night.

He met and has made a baby with his girlfriend and the baby is a few months old now. We dont talk ever, everything is through her but DS had said that dad had thrown a toy at his head so wanted to talk direct to him about it but neither were having it so nothing was said about it. They/he has seen them once since Christmas time and once in the 2 months before that.

I think he think it gets to me but I'm not bothered in the way for myself but I am for the children. We live in Cardiff they in Swansea (about 50 min drive) and even though every Saturday this year (before he said he didnt want them) I had offered to bring them to his door instead of him picking them up but every time they/he said no.

Like you have all said its best if I just say "i dont know" about it all, least for the time being. We are moving to be near family next month and so I hope (in a nice way) that will take up there mind space rather then their dad.
He pays £5 through CSA but theres issues with that and I dont want to do/say something for him to go mental at.

They only see his part of the family when they see him.

Think I have answered most, thanks everyone made me feel abit better in my myself

AnnieH

I think if you tell them that he doesn't want to see them, they will be heartbroken and think they have done something wrong to warrant his (unforgivable) behaviour. Youngs kids don't need that on their shoulders and it's also a real pity that you have it on yours.

My girls went for 2 and a half years without seeig their dad, and in the end they did start seeing him again, so it may not be forever.....