How do I tell them or...

misty

hcar wrote: »

We split and divorced some 4 years back and from the beginning he was meant to see the kids every weekend it never happened but he had them every other Saturday night.

We dont talk ever, everything is through her but DS had said that dad had thrown a toy at his head so wanted to talk direct to him about it but neither were having it so nothing was said about it. They/he has seen them once since Christmas time and once in the 2 months before that.


They only see his part of the family when they see him.

Think I have answered most, thanks everyone made me feel abit better in my myself

If he has not kept to regular contact - can't be bothered to collect them, doesn't speak directly to you and now says he doesn't want to see them at all - he doesn't sound like a big loss and possibly the kids won't be as upset as you may think.

If they are happy with you and have stability - I feel this is more important than some childish idiot dropping in and out of their lives leaving them confused. I'm assuming he didn't give a reason - and at a guess I would think he/she/they have decided to focus on the new family and not bother about his former family. I agree with other posters to keep it light and when they ask - say you've not heard from him and he must be very busy.

princesslizzie

Men CAN be such cowards. I would say wait until they are a little older, maybe a few white lies to cover the situation now? I'm sorry your ex is a coward.

ChasingButterflies

Hi op,

I am really sorry your ex has put you in a really terrible position...

I know it doesn't seem like a + point but at least he told you - If I were in your shoes I would keep what he said to yourself (without, if possible actually telling a lie)

The reason I say this is because the last "access" visit my dad had with me (aged 3 or 4) he told me that he didn't want to see me anymore (apperently the weekend before he had told me it would be our last weekend together - I didn't remember that one) No reason just that. I got out of his van and cried for hours - I never found out why, but for a long time felt that I "must" have done something wrong.

For 10 years I heard nothing from him (I don't know if it is the same now - but mum had to apply to the court when we moved up north - so he knew where I was) Then his father was dying and wanted to see me. I went down and saw all this family (he was one of 8 so a huge family!) but I was left with this feeling that although everyone was really nice and friendly, and pleased to see me - I can't explain it. I was really uncomfortable - they were my family, he was my "dad" but did he know my favourite colour? best subject at school? A week after I came home I wrote him a letter explaining that I did not wish any further contact.

So I guess what I am saying is that it will be hard - be honest where you can - but as they get bigger - they will see him for what he is. Just be there for them - the way it sounds like you already are and you will all be fine.

Sorry for rambling - just wanted to give another perspective to the situation.

hcar

Thanks everyone, I have decided to not say anything till they ask... and they havent asked about him for over 3 weeks now and when they do I will just say I dont know. Its the only thing I can do I think.

Uniscots97

good luck, hope it works out.

chattycathy1674

I think what you have said would be best..
Say nothing and patch over any questions with the 'I don't know/ he must be busy' etc..

Things may change in the future. No one knows for sure.
What I would do though is to make a note somewhere, say in diary form.
Then in the future ( when they are grown of course!) you have something to show your children if he ever trys to tell them it was you that stopped contact.
Just a thought.

I hope you get sorted.

XoXoXoX

floss2

When you move, will you be any nearer to him? Is it possible that you could bump into him & his new family in town for example? That may bring on the questions you're hoping to avoid....

I think you're right to focus on the move & being nearer your family - will your kids be able to spend time with grandparents & cousins?

Kimitatsu

ChasingButterflies wrote: »

Hi op,

For 10 years I heard nothing from him (I don't know if it is the same now - but mum had to apply to the court when we moved up north - so he knew where I was) Then his father was dying and wanted to see me. I went down and saw all this family (he was one of 8 so a huge family!) but I was left with this feeling that although everyone was really nice and friendly, and pleased to see me - I can't explain it. I was really uncomfortable - they were my family, he was my "dad" but did he know my favourite colour? best subject at school? A week after I came home I wrote him a letter explaining that I did not wish any further contact.

So I guess what I am saying is that it will be hard - be honest where you can - but as they get bigger - they will see him for what he is. Just be there for them - the way it sounds like you already are and you will all be fine.

Just wanted to say that this is so true.

My ex used to think that seeing his children once every six weeks was enough (and that was it no contact in the intervening period) and paying £5 a week for maintenance was sufficient despite the face he runs his own company.

In the end it was my children who withdrew from him for pretty much the reasons that chasing butterflies outlined. They dont feel part of him or his new life and so they have decided that they dont want anything to do with him. They have their life and have realised that they are better off without him as they dont come home upset after seeing him and get conflicting messages. I was asked why he didnt call, and all I could do was to be honest and say I didnt know. As long as you are truthful with them and let them make up their own mind then I dont think they will notice particuarly.

Take care

hcar

floss2 wrote: »

When you move, will you be any nearer to him? Is it possible that you could bump into him & his new family in town for example? That may bring on the questions you're hoping to avoid....

I think you're right to focus on the move & being nearer your family - will your kids be able to spend time with grandparents & cousins?

No farther away again, about 3-4 hours drive from him, but I had said I would bring the children down to here in the holidays but they would have to have them more then 1 night to make it worth it. They did seem ok with this.
I will be moving in with my mum for a short time so will see she every hour and aunts and cousins are all in the same area.

hcar

Kimitatsu wrote: »

Just wanted to say that this is so true.

My ex used to think that seeing his children once every six weeks was enough (and that was it no contact in the intervening period) and paying £5 a week for maintenance was sufficient despite the face he runs his own company.

In the end it was my children who withdrew from him for pretty much the reasons that chasing butterflies outlined. They dont feel part of him or his new life and so they have decided that they dont want anything to do with him. They have their life and have realised that they are better off without him as they dont come home upset after seeing him and get conflicting messages. I was asked why he didnt call, and all I could do was to be honest and say I didnt know. As long as you are truthful with them and let them make up their own mind then I dont think they will notice particuarly.

Take care

In a nice way if their dad does come back in there lives then I hope they do the same as yours. They deserve so much better. Good job I'm a good mum hey