suicidal feelings again

im-empty

Hi first I'd like to apologize for the title and second for this long thread only i thought it would be better to give you the full story.

It all started way back 20 years ago when i met my girlfriend who i class as my wife she was lovely and still is but she had some problems,
Her ex of just 3 months was a very violent man and had subjected her to many beatings over the course of their 10 year relationship and she still says to this day i was sent down like her knight in shining armour as I'd seen my own mum repeatedly battered as i was by my step farther and i always said I'd never lay may hand on a woman.

Anyway the first few years were very hard because her ex would not leave us alone in the first 12 months i even had a hole bit into the side of my face in a fight with her ex boyfriends friends thankfully it heeled well,
See he thought because i was only 19 at the time and she was 26 with two children a boy of 7 and a girl of 9 that i would just get what i could and be off how very wrong he was and two years on we had a baby girl.

I worked hard in a factory and as many hours as i could yes it was hard but i loved her and her kids as my own and they all loved me so they were worth the hard work.

Years past and it was not until the 10th year the late night abusive calls from her ex stopped wow we thought he must of given up and yes he had only because he was now terrorising another pour family.

Anyway we carried on I'd always wanted to work for myself so put an add in the local paper for gardening work and bit by bit the work came in,
I started with an electric mower a grass trimmer and for three years worked from 8am to sometimes near midnight 7 days a week it was very hard but by this time I'd got quite a few regular customers I'd call on every two weeks to do their gardens.

Cutting a long story 12 years into the business i employed 6 lads had 4 vans and a large unit with over 120 thousand pounds worth of equipment although there were bad times with my wife's depression and my work load was so much I'd tried committing suicide not just because of the work load but I'd got some bad issues in my childhood that were hard to deal with in times of stress.

But in all was feeling very proud of what we had done.

And this is when our world came crashing down on us see the first few years we had this unit we were insured for the full 120k then i stopped it because i thought well the unit was safe and secure with lots of gates and chains to get through then yes it happened we were robbed very near cleaned out.

So i had to take a 10k loan just to be able to afford to get the lads back to work and i moved units,
Then 3 months later robbed again someone must of been watching me all the new equipment I'd bought had gone plus more i was devastated you maybe thinking well why was i not insured after the first time well i tried and because of the building having an asbestos roof they would not cover me even though the same company had took my 400GBP's every month for years on my first unit with the same roof.

That was it these people had ruined me and my family i got in the car drove to my unit locked myself in connected a hose to the exhaust and sat their thinking when will this nightmare end,
Hours past i could hair the police helicopters flying above the all went quite again until i heard a van sounded like mine my step sun drove and i could hair both him and his mum crying hes done it mum hes done it wow that was hard to listen to and i quickly shouted I'm OK and opened the door all three of us hugged and cried.

That i now understand was very selfish of me to be thinking of taking the easy way out and leaving my family to deal with it but i just didn't know what i was going to do to keep supporting my family as i'd done from the age of 19.

But to come to an end i'm feeling suicidal again because since then i've not worked and we have been living on credit cards, Tried a little eBaying but have been scammed out of thousands and now we are in over 30k credit card debt and can't even afford the interest just can't see a way forward.

Any help please even a job would help thanks for reading.

JAMIEDODGER

hi there, i know its not much but i sent hugs for you and your family. youve been through a lot of hardship and you have come to the right place.

the first thing to do, is list a statement of affairs (SOA) what you have coming in, everything you have going out (apr's and all) then we can work it through with you.

please keep coming back to this board, there is so much help and hope on here it is amazing.

thank you for sharing your story with us, now lets see if we can help you get sorted

jamie x

juliejim

Can't offer any help - just hugs. But your family needs you and the first thing you need to do is sit down and see exactly what you owe and to make sure you're getting everything you're entitled to. Sorry I can't be more help but there are a lot of people on here who will be able able to help you more.

Jue

hypno06

Hi there, and thank you for taking the time to explain your background.

At the top of this board is a sticky for new posters. In it there is a link to a post by SouthernScouser that will help you prepare a statement of affairs.

Have a read through, and gather all the information together. If you can, post it on here, and the great and the good of this board will come and see what changes they think can be made - just suggestions, you don't have to do any of them if you don't want, which may help.

If you don't want to post it on here, that's fine, but do the exercise anyway, because it will be needed elsewhere.

Then give one of the charitable financial bods a call - CCCS, Payplan, or National Debtline, armed with your SOA you have prepared and they will give you some genuine options. They are charitable so are not in it for themselves like the people you see advertised on the television, so they will only give you options that are genuinely right for you.

If you can't wait until tomorrow to call, then you can do the CCCS process on line and see what it comes up with. Again, you don't have to go along with what they say, but it will give you some real options to consider.

Finally, if you have not already done so, please make an appointment with your GP. If you have issues in your past which are causing this level of trouble in the present, you need counselling or other therapy to deal with them. There may be a wait on the NHS, but worth getting on that waiting list. Also, try your local branch of MIND - they often have counsellors who are prepared to work for much less than their usual hourly rate to help people who cannot afford to go private.

Another finally, keep posting here - the support you get on this site is immeasureable, and gets many of us through the dark days.

Good luck, and be proud of what you have achieved so far. Your family obviously are.

StressedSteph

I'm so sorry you have had such a rough time of it, life can really throw you for six sometimes :mad: .

Please feel reassured that you have found this site and the people here can REALLY help you. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE post your "State of Affairs". Every last thing you pay for. I did this any I have managed to free up nearly £700 per month. If you managed to do that yourself you could see you way out of trouble.

Please don't contemplate suicide again, I know it's easy for me to say, but these bad times are when you should all stick together. Don't feel all the responsibilty yourself. You and your family are a team :A

Please do the SOA and let see what can be done about this. I am sure there is never a situation that can't be solved somehow.

Take care hun and huge hugs to you and your family xxxx

Mrs_Sparkle

You really have had a tough time of it haven't you. I'm sending you a big hug and please, please don't do anything to yourself. I'm guessing that by posting about your suicidal feelings in your heart of hearts you want help, not to die. Good, because your family needs you. If you do have suicidal feelings please phone the Samaritans or post on here- there's no need for you to be alone with your feelings.

Right, you're not based anywhere near London are you? I can point you in the right direction to get a job here if you are.

Please see that your situation is not hopeless. We can help. I hope you come back online soon x

lynzpower

Hi Im-empty.

My heart goes out to you and your family. What you have all been through is utterly staggering, and I wish you all all the best for getting back to where you want to be in life.

You clearly love your wife and children very much, maybe you feel in some way reposnbile for the theft and so on. Please dont. A crime is a crime.

Now is the point you have come to us and said "NO MORE!" you need things to get better, and I firmly believe that once people come here and start talking about thier problems, they feel more positive.

You will have no shortage of support and advice here.

I think yes, its definatley worth seeing your GP- and your wife too if she is not suported already.

Am I right in thinking that your wife looks after the children as a stay at home parent and you have traditionally worked ( more than) full time.

Do you have ANY tools at all at the moment, even just domestic mowers/ strimmer spade etc? Could you beg and borrow some from family? If so- you have one skill in your arsenal already- why not go back to where you started, offering bits of gardening work to local people. This could start by bringing in a few quid, and get you back out. You obvioulsy know how to advertise, as it sounds like you were doing really well before those scumbags ruined it all :mad:

Where abouts are you in the UK, maybe someone will know about jobs in your area. If you were anywhere near london for example, I could tell you at my OHs place they are always looking for people ( ooh just noticed snaggles saying the same thing!)

YOU WILL GET THERE, what you need is the love and support of each other and it sounds like thats everything you have in your household in spades.

lynzx

Lissa_2

Thinking of you. Praying for you. You are the most precious thing your family have. You can come through this you are a very strong family. Love and Hugs.

Lissa

littlemissclumsy

this is just the beginning - you now have a lots of new MSE friends who are very concerned and will be a great support.

pease keep posting and take care.

antronella

I am so sorry for what you have been through x You say you have always supported your family since you were 19...but there are more ways than financial to be supportive. Your family need you and love you..keep thinking of them and how much you love them too.You have come through so much 'together'..you can get through this too. You have made the first step by posting here...and as others have said..the support you will receive is amazing. Please do as others have suggested and visit your GP, you must look after yourself in all this and your mental health is a priority. Thinking of you, antronella x

kippers

Please please please go and see your doctor, you are depressed and need help to come to terms with things. We all have times when we feel we can take 'no more' but we don't contemplate suicide...this is not normal, it is depression. You have had so much thrown at you in life and you can no longer see the wood for the trees. If you don't go to the doctors for you, go for your family, they need you around.

This forum is a great place to begin your 'new life', there is loads of advice and support.

We can't offer you a job on here but there is always someone here to talk or listen to you 24 hours a day.

I send my love to you and your family and hope you take advice and see a doctor asap.