Looking To The Future With Hope

ArtyJ931

I have been in this situation before and as a massive fan of lists I found it useful to write a list of free things that I could do when feeling down, and a list of cheap things I could do (I also split the lists further into at home and away from home) and when I was feeling particularly down I would literally pick something off the list and do it and it was really helpful for quite a long time. E.g. watch a film with popcorn, go for a walk along the canal, go to a coffee shop with a book, go to the library, potter at the charity shops, do a youtube yoga class, etc etc - whatever things help you to lift your mood and feel a bit better. A cheesy film I'd seen lots of time so didn't take a lot of brain work but was distracting and another list of those, was helpful.

In terms of the 'what now' I think at the end of a DV relationship it is really common to not know anything about yourself and what you want to do or what you enjoy, as you have been controlled for so long in so many ways. Again, I spent a lot of time on this. I thought really hard about what I enjoyed doing when I was younger (pre-relationship), what I was good at and what I felt passionate about. I then tested out whether I still enjoyed these things, was good at them or still felt passionate about them. It gave me a great starting point for getting to know myself again and also kept me busy.

I also spent a while looking out free courses/ events/ talks/ volunteering opportunities that I wanted to do (because I enjoyed them or felt passionate about them) and this helped me to start to find my purpose again and to see what was possibly going to come next.

Hope these ideas are helpful :)

RhiBi

Thank you @ArtyJ931 that is helpful, I also didn’t realise that you’d been in this situation too, I’m so sorry.

I think the early days after DV were a blur in some ways and automatic pilot in others and now I’m somewhat past that I feel a bit,lost and like you say, I don’t know myself.

A list of things to do in those down moments is a really good idea though, as in those times it’s difficult to think so having a list to hand takes the thinking away. I’ve got some really good friends and they do check in with me frequently.

I’m in bed with a cuppa tea now and going to sleep soon. Tomorrow is another day, a day further way from the nightmare, and a day closer to future dreams and plans.

ArtyJ931

you’ve totally got this 🙌🙌

ArtyJ931

I’ve been out of that situation for 16 years thankfully. I am so thankful to the me who did all that hard work so that I can now live a life full of peace and joy.

Your future self who is living a peaceful joyful life is sending you lots of love and strength. You will get through. ❤️

Humdinger1

Yes @RhiBi you are wonderful. I think you're just working out how wonderful! You've taken major steps forward and you'll carry on doing that, I'm sure. It's a huge achievement to come out of a DV relationship love Humdinger xx

RhiBi

Well it’s been a while since I’ve posted here and there’s a few things that have gone on. I hope you’re all ok?!

Firstly, I have recently reported 3 significant DV incidents to the police with photo and video evidence. for obvious reasons, I can’t give any details because it’s an open investigation. I’m scared and anxious even though I know it’s the right thing to do. I know there will be retaliatory accusations and I just have to hope that the police see it for what it is.

Debt wise, 3 accounts have now defaulted and I’ve had letters regarding 2 of them from Moorcroft and Advantis. At the moment, I’ve simply replied stating that they haven’t given a reply to the write off request due to financial abuse and won’t be setting up a payment plan until I receive one. Moorcroft got back to me basically saying they’ve sent it back to the original creditor, Advantis have yet to reply. My emergency fund is growing, slower than I hoped, thanks to a wasp nest and unexpected vet bills. I’ve now taken out pet insurance, at £15 a month for 2 dogs it isn’t too bad, plus I went through Top Cashback so at some point I’ll receive £124 which will cover the majority of the first years payment.

I need to spend a few hours putting all my letters into a file so that everything is organised, so that is tomorrow’s plan and I need to update my SOA too, just to make sure I’m keeping everything on track. Today I’m going to a family party for 2 relatives who are turning 80 so that’ll be a nice afternoon with family.

I need to go to the post office and send back 2 parcels to Amazon. I recently went to my (soon to be) sister in laws hen party, the theme was 80’s. I ordered a few bits but they didn’t come back in time. I managed to cobble a few things together to come up with the dress code. Old me would have just kept the things but new me is sending them back and that’ll see £16 back in my account.

My lovely dogs are keeping me company and I’ll always be grateful to them for getting me through some of the darkest days and giving me a reason to get up in the morning.

One thing I also need to do is get better at adding things on Vinted too, I’ve had a few sales, but want to get into adding things on a regular basis.

I will try and post here more often, som days I feel like there’s not a lot to update though! Work, food, clean, walk dogs is the basis of my days!

ArtyJ931

So sorry to hear that you’re dealing with ongoing post-separation abuse. You are sounding like you are coping with it admirably. Big hugs

RhiBi

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82096071#Comment_82096071

Thank you. The abuse happened within the relationship but I became of something that I felt I needed to notify the police of and during those discussions, I disclosed the abuse and it’s snowballed from there. Part of me feels like I’m doing it for any future people he gets into a relationship with.

ArtyJ931

you absolutely are. Well done 👏

Humdinger1

You are wonderful; @rhibi you're doing the right thing. So glad to see you posting again love Humdinger xx

@RhiBi