2026: time to face facts and plan for the hard times ahead

SpireCaptain

Blackcats said:

Hi @SpireCaptain - hope you will pop by to see us again soon.

Hello, always lurking and reading, reading, leading! 

Ended up ringing Mum after a heated phone call to OH. Sat in the van and rang her out of the blue. Bless her she was having a really bad morning with mortgage rates jumping on her 5 rental properties, a water bill to pay etc etc and then I just blurt out were splitting up after she asked how the family are. We never speak on the phone unless it's usually bad news. We should break that habit and make it more commonplace. 

Anyway she was very pragmatic and asking what's next and offering whatever support she can lend. 

Felt a bit better after but the child arrangements hitting home, not seeing them everyday when they wake up etc. 

Horrendous weather today so will be ebaying and maybe ring somewhere about advice for splitting up. 

At least forecast looks better the last 3 days of the week so can catch up and January won't be quite as bad as I thought. Still down £1000 perhaps. 

I've opened Monzo and Starling Business accounts and the customers this week and last have on the whole been paying into new starling one so that a positive step. Any that fall through this month I'll reiterate my new details. 

SpireCaptain

Blackcats said:

Some great positives in your posts - twins' rugby, ebaying, good day at work.  Seemingly small things but you can amplify them to remind you that you can let glimmers of brightness flood into your life.

Don't look back - you aren't going that way.

go to LEGO club - it will be fun for you and sounds great.

I've been asked to be the boys crickets coach this season so hopefully OH will let them keep playing so I'll get to see them during the week. Same with rugby I'll take up offer of helping out with the training. 

I know it's probably best they have the same bed and school routine just so they settle and feel like they have a home and if OH can provide that fine. I'll have to accept. But I'll still offer to have them for tea or takeaway them to sports on n evening but drop them back at hers so they sleep there for routine. 

They are the centre of my world and the only thing I've got positive in it. That's what shocked me yesterday the realisation and prompted me to ring Mum asap. 

Blackcats

I'm glad you rang your mum and that you could open up to her about the end of your relationship.

That's great about the cricket coaching. It's not actually up to your ex-OH to "let" your boys play cricket. You are their parent too. I was going to say something not very nice about your ex-OH but stopped myself 😇

RhiBi

I’ve read the whole of your thread and also seen other posts by you on the main DFW board to.

I’m early on in my journey so can’t really offer advice on the finances, but I couldn’t read and not reply to you. My heart breaks for you and you deserve happiness, the love you have for your boys shines though in your words and you are obviously an extremely kind and loving person. The fact that you are still considering the effects on your OH after how you have been treated just shows the sort of person you are. My story is different to yours, but involves domestic abuse, and I feel from what you have and ere experiencing that you are a victim f this too. Not all abuse is physical, but the emotional and financial abuse that is going on here can and is taking its toll on you. Please as others have said, go to the LEGO or andysmanclub.

You are in no way a failure and your ability to keep going every day and putting your boys first just shows the strength you have. There I’ll be brighter days for you, and you will smile and learn to love yourself again, because you are worth it.

I’ll be bookmarking your diary and cheering you on. Keep taking care of yourself, you’re important too.

Purplelady65

I know you’ve said the boys won’t stay overnight with you when you move out but you sound a very supportive and involved dad. Your boys would probably enjoy overnight stays at your new place. Plus kids are adaptable so I’m sure they’d get used to sleeping at two houses. If you would like them to stay with you at your new place then say so. Don’t let your ex make all the decisions that will impact on you and your boys.

SpireCaptain

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81857404#Comment_81857404

Hi Blackcats, hope you're well and having a nice start to February.

I met with Mum halfway betwixt our homes on Wednesday. My sister was planning to join us but she's got a poorly little one at home so rested up. Had a nice walk round a stately home gardens and coffee then lunch before going out separate ways.

Weather was poor up here so wasn't so bad I missed a day on the glass. I was brutally honest about things with Mum, I don't think she had any idea how things were but mothers intuition she's probably known deep down. I had to give her a crash course in Debt Management Plans etc. it didn't help her accountant had filled her head with awful stories of loan sharks and debts being sold and Apr being added etc. I had to qwell all those worries but she still gave me his number to ring him and talk through things.

Mum's pretty much said she'd but a Buy To Let property to add to her portfolio and I'll rent it off her for the boys to have stability. It's the only way with her age being post 70. When I got home, she and my sister both had an idea about buying OH put of this property. Rather than the upheaval of moving the boys out nd having 2 new homes to get used to. I think mum was worried about the costs involved in shale remediation if the survey flags it up as it's quite common round here for 1960s-1980s housing stock. At least this current house has no shale when we bought it in 2020.

I was putting off paying tax return as I was worried the Curve fronted wouldn't work but luckily it went through ok. £2500 added to credit card on Monday. 😔😔 I paid for the twins residential on credit card too. £300 remaining balance. Then I had a flat tyre that turned out to be a broken rim on the van to £110 on Friday on credit card.

Started my switch to Monzo from Barclays, just the rental income and Buy to Let Mortgage that will switch. Never paid credit cards from that account so thought I'd use the switch service. That'll save £8.50 a month fee.

Cancelled council tax and water bill direct debit. I'll pay those in credit card in march.

I also cancelled the £17 x 2 DVLA car tax for OH 2 x cars she technically owns. The golf has an expired MOT and not been used since October. The other car she quite regularly says stop using my car etc etc even when I'm with the boys in it and I pay tax and petrol. so I've cancelled it. She's applied for UC saying we've split up so she'll have more money. She's looking at mortgages on 30k I come so that's either staying part time with UC and my child maintenance or she's not told me if her interview went ok to get full time job so who knows.

Mum and my sister have asked for 3 valuations of this house. I will say we will sell it for asking price minus my share of equity so OH still gets what she's due but mum or sister get discount for buy to let.

I've asked OH for chance to talk about money this weekend but she's saying I'm making her anxious and don't put pressure so I've left it. Need to know how much she's got left in the account as she can keep that if we knock it off asking price.

SpireCaptain

Hiya, thank you for your thoughts.

I'm sorry if I've given wrong impression. I'm definitely going to be asking for 2-3 nights a week sleeping over.

Especially if I can stay in this house or village and OH has to be in the next town as all she can afford and if she has to start working full time, the boys can walk to mine and when I finish work I'll do tea and then take them to either sports or scouts or back to hers so they can sleep. She'll have to drop them off at school if in the next town (only 2 miles or so but maybe not bus route and if they're in yet)

I looked at the child maintenance with the tax return this year and it looks more manageable than I thought. I expected she's push for £400-500 but it looks likely on my income it'll be £200-230/280 depending on how many nights. About £63 a week. She'll still get the child benefit as she has done the 10 years but at least I'll get single person council tax and I can cut heating and food bills the nights the boys aren't with me. Plus working longer on the days I don't have them so hopefully I can enter a DMP and also maintain a house for them 🤞🤞

beanielou

All sounding much more positive for you. I am really so pleased for you.

SpireCaptain

Hi RhiBi,

Thank you for those kind, lovely words. I've followed your story over the various forum posts and I can only wish you the best of luck and strength to get through what you're undertaking. Like you say there's bound to sunshine when the clouds finally clear.

When I said I'd be able to work the weekends I don't see the boys Mum said or you could play rugby or cricket again, it hadn't even crossed my mind that I might play again after 10 years away, or that I might start making friends that I can socialise with again.

I've reconnected with the head girl at my secondary school when I was head boy, she's only 40 miles away with kids and family but when this shroud is shaken from me and I can be Me again. She messaged 2 years ago about organising a 20th anniversary since sixth form but I ghosted her. I just froze and pretended I hadn't read it on Facebook. Feel awful for it and will apologise. But it's nice to see familiar faces again, some are local, some are flung around the world.

I read a quote that popped up on Business Insider today from John Lennon Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end"

It seemed very apt for the coming months and gave me a bit of steel to face the reality.

beanielou

Love the John Lennon quote.