Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay my sister half the money our deceased father gave me?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

A few years ago, my father gave me £30,000 to help pay off my mortgage. My sister agreed with the arrangement, and I signed a piece of paper to say that I'd received it. My dad's now died and, once probate is granted, my sister wants an extra £15,000, or half of the £30,000 he gave me, because she feels she's owed it. But my dad didn't sign the piece of paper or add a codicil to his will about it, so my solicitor says my sister has no legal right to it. She doesn't need the money, but I do. Do I give it to her?

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swingaloo

Only if you are a decent person and want to keep your sister!

Markdavid1962

I think the fact that your father helped you and also this had your sisters input, he was making sure that everything was equal and everyone knew about it, he didnt sign the piece of paper but asked you too. I assume it was all based on trust from his viewpoint. If the situation was reversed and he had given the money to your sister and she didnt give you the £15k how would you feel about it
If you consider how much you saved in interest by paying your mortgage off early, by your sister agreeing with your father.

Personally I would do the right thing and give half the money, the relationship with your sister should be more important than the money

Whalie

My parents gave me £17k to clear my mortgage.  I have two sisters.  I made sure that they were aware of the situation.  Both my sisters have partners and have cleared their own mortgages from their other halves inherited money.  I did not have a partner which is why they wanted me to be mortgage free.  Sisters also agreed with my parents reasoning.  At the time I stated to them that when both parents have died and there was some inheritance, then I would be happy for this to be deducted from it.  They both said No!   Still have one parent living and they still agree we will have equal inheritance when the time comes.  Guess I am fortunate to have such considerate sisters.

elsien

it really depends what your father’s original intention was. if he gave it to you, no strings attached then there’s no obligation either way.
I do wonder why he gave you 30 K but didn’t give your sister a similar amount at the same time? Was he going to? Did he think you needed the money more than you did?
 What was the piece of paper that you signed to say? You’d have the money that he didn’t sign? – was there some sort of agreement or future plan in there?

as always with these to the is simply not enough information to really be able to say what’s fair or right (outside of the legalities which you already know)  and what isn’t - I guess it comes down to how badly you and your sister want to fall out with each other?

kimwp

All a bit odd really. Your sister agreeing to your dad giving you money was not required - it's your dad's money to give to whomever he wants. But it does imply that she was aware of the gift and didn't ask for it to be equalised at some point. It might be that she feels unfairly treated/considered/loved by your dad, but it was up to her to express that to him. Assuming that she didn't and they generally had a good relationship, then-

Legally, she's not entitled to the money. And if you need it, but she doesn't, then logically it makes sense that you have it (bear in mind that she could be in lots of debt, but outwardly seeming not to be). 

But if it will damage your relationship with your sister (and you want to maintain a good relationship), then it might be worth splitting it with her.

Savvy_Sue

kimwp said:

Legally, she's not entitled to the money. And if you need it, but she doesn't, then logically it makes sense that you have it (bear in mind that she could be in lots of debt, but outwardly seeming not to be). 

That's the thing, isn't it? AFAIK all my siblings are comfortably off, one who could have retired is still working, they don't want to give it up, and I get the impression that their spouse worries about money. To which the response is "the last thing we need to worry about is MONEY!"

But I don't actually know: I know they have all had inheritance from our parents, and I'm guessing most of them from spouse's parents too. But have they all paid off their mortgages? We haven't, can't. Have they given lots of money to their children to help them get on the property ladder? We haven't, couldn't. 

But I don't actually KNOW, and they don't know my situation either. 

kimwp said:

But if it will damage your relationship with your sister (and you want to maintain a good relationship), then it might be worth splitting it with her.

I would certainly want to talk to her about this, and explain why I couldn't just split this with her, even if I wanted to. And of course we don't know (and don't need to know) why you NEED the money. And until you talk to her, you don't know whether she NEEDS the money or not. 

Just_An_Opinion

Pure greed from your sister. 

Why dont you both sit down and see how much your father spent on your nappies, where he took each of you on holiday, what clothes he bought you and how many cups of tea he made.

He gave you money when he was alive to help you out, the money left in the will is a straight 50/50 split. 

Your sister didnt ask your dad for £30k when he was alive to even it up because she knows she wouldn't get it.

Pure greed and spite in my opinion.

BonyTony

What is your relationship with your sister?   Legally required or otherwise, if you don’t cough up, she’ll likely hold it against you forever.
Are you friends or foes?

If you think she is just à ‘money grabber’ and aren’t bothered what she thinks, then keep it!

Bingokitty

I think you are lucky she isn’t asking for £30k, that would make it equal. We could also go down the route of what £30k is worth now. I love how the legal element is brought into this as though it should trump the moral element of that should be done. 

It’s hard to understand the circumstances but from my own perspective I’m deemed as the “well off” member of the family but what’s often forgotten is that we work 2-3 times in hours and spend many evenings with lost sleep over the stresses of being self employed with staff, I don’t have any vices and generally am a home bird and keeping up appearances are not in my interest. Should I then be penalised for not matching my siblings priorities in spending choices? 

I’d love a £30k boost just to have a holiday (not literally) from stress to try and have a few months of work that’s on a full nights sleep. 

Mum_of_two

How would you feel if roles were reversed?