Money Moral Dilemma: Should my sibling compensate me for handling our parents' estates?

Eeyorerighthandman17

I completely understand that there's a lot of work in handling estates of our loved ones and I feel your pain as I've had 3 parents/step parents' estates over the last few years and I agree it's a lot of work.  As is often the case, one sibling probably does more of the work than others and I agree it can be a lot especially if you're selling property.  In our case as I was the one which did the majority of the financial work and conveyancing for selling the house and we shared the physical stuff like sorting out house contents/possessions etc. 

The financial side for one of our parents was particularly complicated.  As I'm self employed and some of the estate work took me away from my paid work, my sibling and I agreed at the outset that I could be reimbursed for lost earnings.  This was done by a notional charge which we agreed at a couple of stages after particularly time consuming parts of the estate and we treated that in the same way as we would for other costs such as solicitors etc.  The amount paid did not fully reflect my time but was a gesture to ensure that I was compensated a little for some of the work done and acknowledged the impact on my work. For us this was a good solution as my sibling didn't want me to be out of pocket for the time I could not work and I felt appreciated. The amount of my lost time  charged to the estate was significantly cheaper than if we had used solicitors to manage the estate wrap up so we both benefitted long term as we split the balance of the estate after all costs etc 50/50.

For us this worked well as we talked about it up front and throughout the process so we had open and honest communication.  I think that's key to have a good communication and expectations at the outset or as things start to progress as you realise the extent of the work or the impact on your day job. Whilst it's more expensive you can appoint solicitors or estate managers to run the process for you but of course that costs money too. 

If your estate after all costs has already been split and you've not discussed it then I suspect it's too late to discuss now.  You could potentially raise it without a financial agenda just to get some acknowledgement that it was a lot of work and to discuss what you would do differently with the benefit of hindsight if you're in a similar situation again.  You know your family best so it's up to you to know how/whether to bring this up and what that might do to your relationship.

We live and learn so perhaps a less confrontational approach might be to discuss a more even split of tasks next time having been through it already. Personally, I think it's a an honour to be appointed as an executor but I accepted that it can involve a lot of work and the work might fall more onto one siblings shoulders than the other which sometimes is caused by other factors.  Discussing tasks together and finding other ways for siblings to help (even if they are remote as most things could be handled online or by email) is a productive way to share the load.

gloriouslyhappy

In my family there are five siblings, three live abroad, two live in the same city as the parents. When the parents died within a few months of each other, one of the resident siblings who owns a building trades company did all the physical work of sorting and clearing the house, making repairs, getting it cleaned and ready for the property market. The other resident sibling is an accountant and did all the financial and probate work, notifying banks, utilities, pensions etc, handling the sale, the taxes and the disbursement of the estate. 

It was agreed by the non resident siblings that their professional fees and expenses were paid to reflect the amount of work they had carried out. Those fees were duly noted via invoices, and after all taxes, real estate commissions and fees were paid, the remainder was split five ways.

I cannot imagine doing it any other way. There is an awful lot of work involved with even a small non-complicated estate and the burden should either be shared equally or compensation paid.  

linzod

I totally understand how the burden of unequal work can lead you to feel this way. Are you able to share your feelings with your sibling in such a way that that is the focus rather than a potential compensatory outcome? They may well suggest something if you open up. Is there anything you can ask them to do that will lighten the load? Talk to your sibling, and take care of yourself.  

LightFlare

All this should have been considered,discussed and arranged right at the start.

Forget it and move on and dont risk destroying any relationship with your sibling and their children (assuming there is one)

Nerol

I agree with you! I dont think i would have even paid for them to come home, they moved overseas and thats not your issue so to pay have towards flights was already generous. That said i would make a point that you are doing all the work and only getting the same reward which isnt equally fair when your sibling is sat back doing nothing.

Jemma01

Given the love for my parents and the good relationship with my siblings, I would suck it up. Wouldn't have paid for their flights as attending is their duty, but now that you did, suck it up. It's too late to back out

ShinyStarlight1

RAS said:

…I'd ask your sibling to agree to even up the costs of their family's travel to the UK. That doesn't come into the category of funeral expenses.

But it’s not just their’ family, is it? Presumably, these are your parents grandchildren, in-laws etc.  

somewhereoutthere

We lost our parents within a year of each other so I can appreciate the situation.
Once the estate was sorted, our sibling took us out for a meal to say thank you. It was a surprise and appreciated so your sibling might be thinking of a thank you gift that you don't know about at the moment.
You mention that you lost time with your family. How about talking to your sibling about this and ask if they'd mind if you took your family for a couple of days out or treated them in some way from the estate? As you helped pay for their flights and they've been supportive, they would probably be happy with this and you get to spend some quality time with your family  

silvercar

somewhereoutthere said:

We lost our parents within a year of each other so I can appreciate the situation.
Once the estate was sorted, our sibling took us out for a meal to say thank you. It was a surprise and appreciated so your sibling might be thinking of a thank you gift that you don't know about at the moment.
You mention that you lost time with your family. How about talking to your sibling about this and ask if they'd mind if you took your family for a couple of days out or treated them in some way from the estate? As you helped pay for their flights and they've been supportive, they would probably be happy with this and you get to spend some quality time with your family  

That’s a good idea. You could even suggest using equivalent money from the estate to buy flights to visit sibling, then there would be an identical match to the flights for the sibling to attend the funeral.

In similar circumstances, my response would be, “if you can’t get to the funeral, I’m sure we can find someone to WhatsApp video call you so you can at least watch”. 

jedav

I have been executor for several estates of non-family/family members.  Unless one is a professional (eg solicitor), or it is stated in the will, one is not entitled to any fees for one's work.  Out-of-pocket expenses, such as those for registration of death, probate application, administration (e.g. postage, stationery) are chargeable.  My late friend's sons kindly treated my partner and myself to a play, hotel and meal in Stratford as a "thank you" for dealing with his estate (they dealt with the house contents), my partner's brother bought me some nice chocolates when I administrated their aunt's estate.  I did some of the administrative work for my late aunt's estate as her son who was executor lives abroad for part of the year.  I was offered expenses for that work, and family members who attended the funeral had their expenses paid for that.  I'm an only child, so the question didn't arise when my parents died.

It would have been better to agree something upfront, but perhaps you didn't realise how much work it is.