Undecided where - move to care for parents

AliceBanned

RedFraggle said:

Apologies if this is a controversial view but would you even be contemplating this for any other reason?
I have seen friends relocate for a similar reason and find that being closer doesn't actually make any difference in what elderly parents will do, and whilst it eases their own guilt at being so far away, they've subsequently regretted the move.
I'm 5 hours from my 87 year old Mum. I managed her finances, have her meals delivered etc. She told me a long while ago I wasn't ever to move back home. 
If she was in dire need we would lock up our flat and move in with her, but we wouldn't give up a life in a place we love and are happy in on a permanent basis. 

Not at all, it’s really helpful and perhaps why I am struggling to decide. I can drive up there in two hours or get trains so go nearly every weekend and longer if I have to. I actually think they might find it annoying if I move my whole life to start ‘interfering’ too much in theirs. I am looking at options so this factor is worth considering because I can’t just leave where I live easily and yes there is the guilt. So trying to compromise is a good idea. Still getting them enough support etc.

artyclarty

I came here to mention Belper and where the in-laws currently live as it has better commute train commute to London & Birmingham, Lichfield. Until last year they still were registered at the dentist in Belper some 30 years after moving away and happily driving there and back a couple of times a year to see him. Might be a stretch to drive to London every day, but it's a popular commuter town for those who work in Birmingham, Derby and London.

BrilliantButScary

You might find the following checklist helpful.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/dementia-diagnosis/how-to-get-dementia-diagnosis/dementia-symptoms-checklist

If you can get your Dad to agree to see his GP, he will probably be referred to the memory clinic for further investigation.

https://www.alzheimersresearchuk.org/dementia-information/getting-a-dementia-diagnosis/memory-clinic/

You mention that your Mum was unwell 2 years ago.
Has your Dad been a 'carer' for your Mum since then ?

Depression and dementia can be comorbidities.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/stages-and-symptoms/depression-dementia

I agree with a pp that you should contemplate your reasons for moving nearer to your parents, and wait until it is clearer as to what you are dealing with i.e. diagnosis. Guilt is a common feeling in this situation, whether it is self-inflicted or from other family members.

You are sensible in seeking support for yourself.  As well as your GP,  there are a lot of carer organisations and you can also ask for a carer's assessment at a later date.

https://derbyshirecarers.co.uk/carer-support-and-carers-assessments

BungalowBel

Would carers several times a day be of use?  They would  be able to help dad to eat.  If they have any means they would have to pay for carers coming in.  But it might be a help to you and your brother to know paople are going in daily.

Albermarle

BungalowBel said:

Would carers several times a day be of use?  They would  be able to help dad to eat.  If they have any means they would have to pay for carers coming in.  But it might be a help to you and your brother to know paople are going in daily.

It sounds like they are the type to refuse any help until a full blown crisis hits. It is quite common.

AliceBanned

Albermarle said:

BungalowBel said:

Would carers several times a day be of use?  They would  be able to help dad to eat.  If they have any means they would have to pay for carers coming in.  But it might be a help to you and your brother to know paople are going in daily.

It sounds like they are the type to refuse any help until a full blown crisis hits. It is quite common.

I think so. The see it as control when nobody is controlling them. I guess they like their comfort zone. And yes can change when crisis hits. I sometimes think they deliberately don’t get their hearing corrected!

AliceBanned

My Dad has had one memory clinic appointment and has one coming up in two weeks. Thankfully but I have been told by someone who worked in the NHS that they delay diagnosis of dementia. His mum had it but he managed to get her diagnosed after putting pressure on though sadly there isn’t much that can be done (medically).

BungalowBel

I suppose if they have the capacity to decide for themselves they don't want any help, then it has to be their decision.  It would lighten the load on you and your brother, but maybe they are being unrealistic about the amount of help they need.

Do they know you are thinking of uprooting your life to help them?

AliceBanned

No they don’t know. It’s hard to have these discussions with them and they would probably feel I was interfering!

bouicca21

What if OP upends their live only to find that within a short space of time the parents need to go into a nursing home?