Undecided where - move to care for parents

BrilliantButScary

I don't know which side of Derby your parents live, but Belper is a very popular location. Are you familiar with it?

Have you had a discussion with your brother/parents about what your parents' future care needs might look like? Do either you or your brother have other responsibilities to consider? 

You both need to be clear about what each of you feel able, or want to do to support your parents. Their care needs will change, and in the future might include personal care. Traditionally, women have taken on the 'carer' role for aged parents and in my experience it is often one sibling that is left to cope. 

Are your parents willing to accept or can afford outside support, for example a cleaner, gardener etc
Do your parents have Lasting Power of Attorneys and a will in place?

AliceBanned

Thanks for this.

i like Belper and it is probably 20 min drive to my parents so a possibility. 

We haven’t really had those discussions. I’ve spent a lot of the last two days in tears after taking my Dad away last week and suddenly realising he’s not ok and they aren’t really coping.
 They have some savings and could afford a gardener and cleaner and meals delivered but won’t agree to it. They won’t even wear their hearing aids making communication difficult and my Dad now won’t eat regular meals. To be honest I feel devastated.

i text my brother we need to talk about it but he said he will remind my Dad about eating. He just puts everything down to old age but for me that’s not the point. If I put food in front of him he generally eats. Not loads but enough. GP told him to eat 3 meals a day which he is ignoring. I’ve tried to sort out his teeth which aren’t good and must have an impact.

the whole family does not seem to experience the situation as I do ie getting major depression.

yes they have lasting power of attorney and wills. My brother has activated his but I haven’t yet. We have joint POA.

im even in tears now writing this and don’t really have support so asked to see GP. If I lived near I could at least get him to eat more. My Mum was ill a couple of years ago.

Making matters worse my brother is older and lives with bossy partner so I feel they have more say in things. They don’t but I constantly feel pressure from them. I can’t explain it properly definitely not on here.

BrilliantButScary

Just to clarify,
Are Lasting Powers of Attorney in place for both parents, for both types of LPA?

* Property and financial affairs decisions
* Health and care decisions

Are you and your brother making decisions 'jointly'  or 'jointly and severally' 

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/legal-issues/power-of-attorney/

Age UK is an excellent website, see one of their information guides below, they also have a helpline:

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/siteassets/documents/factsheets/fs6_finding_help_at_home_fcs.pdf

Has your Dad received a diagnosis of clinical depression?

Are you arranging an appointment to speak to your Dad's GP? You will be able to raise concerns with the GP, but they will not divulge information, due to patient confidentiality. If your Dad will agree to attend an appointment with your support, that would be the best scenario.

Family dynamics can be challenging, when it comes to the care of the elderly, you might find the following book useful:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Carers-Caring-One-Stop-relatives-accessing-ebook/dp/B09DTLJB69

AliceBanned

Thanks BrilliantButScarey. I think jointly and severally and yes both POA. I think I initially wanted jointly but believe we agreed on jointly and severally in the end because jointly was too restrictive.

No but I think he is probably clinically depressed. Can’t imagine him coping with antidepressants as they are strong. Thanks for that advice and book recommendations. Will speak to his GP asap. I am also going to contact social services as they are known to them from a past issue. He is also a hoarder though it’s more under control now. 

I need to bypass my brother for now because a) his attitude has p@sped me right off and b) he doesn’t understand the meaning of ‘caring’.

lincroft1710

AliceBanned said:

Thanks for this.

i like Belper and it is probably 20 min drive to my parents so a possibility. 

We haven’t really had those discussions. I’ve spent a lot of the last two days in tears after taking my Dad away last week and suddenly realising he’s not ok and they aren’t really coping.
 They have some savings and could afford a gardener and cleaner and meals delivered but won’t agree to it. They won’t even wear their hearing aids making communication difficult and my Dad now won’t eat regular meals. To be honest I feel devastated.

i text my brother we need to talk about it but he said he will remind my Dad about eating. He just puts everything down to old age but for me that’s not the point. If I put food in front of him he generally eats. Not loads but enough. GP told him to eat 3 meals a day which he is ignoring. I’ve tried to sort out his teeth which aren’t good and must have an impact.

the whole family does not seem to experience the situation as I do ie getting major depression.

yes they have lasting power of attorney and wills. My brother has activated his but I haven’t yet. We have joint POA.

im even in tears now writing this and don’t really have support so asked to see GP. If I lived near I could at least get him to eat more. My Mum was ill a couple of years ago.

Making matters worse my brother is older and lives with bossy partner so I feel they have more say in things. They don’t but I constantly feel pressure from them. I can’t explain it properly definitely not on here.

Not eating regularly is not a good sign. It does sound as if your father will soon need some form of regular or permanent care. I got a bit of a shock with my father when i happened to look in his dustbin (weekly collections then) and saw seven empty wine bottles! I am not suggesting your father is necessarily substituting alcohol for food, but he may be eating sweets/chocolate etc and thus has no appetite.


Your parents are displaying classic signs of old age stubbornness, refusing outside help and not wearing their hearing aids. You have known them for so long, but one day you realise they are changing. 

AliceBanned

Thanks Lincroft, sorry to hear about your Dad. My Dad does eat sweets. And ice cream! Despite having Type 2 diabetes. My Mum recently refused cataract op. My Dad had both his done. It’s so hard isn’t it? That’s why I’d prefer to live near as I might manage to coax them into things but it’s very difficult. I am going to speak to his GP (and mine for support for me as unless I stay well I can’t cope). It’s very draining and I don’t have much support though am meeting a friend later whose parents are similar age and she has experienced a loss recently with all the upset and work involved. 

I’ve ordered the book in caring as recommended earlier in this thread by BrilliantButScarey, making a start with getting professional support or at least diagnosis for my Dad. He’s forgetful and has poor balance so I’m sure there’s dementia - the lack of appetite may be related to this. It’s sad when they get to this. He didn’t know the month or year when he was asked recently.

lincroft1710

AliceBanned said:

Thanks Lincroft, sorry to hear about your Dad. My Dad does eat sweets. And ice cream! Despite having Type 2 diabetes. My Mum recently refused cataract op. My Dad had both his done. It’s so hard isn’t it? That’s why I’d prefer to live near as I might manage to coax them into things but it’s very difficult. I am going to speak to his GP (and mine for support for me as unless I stay well I can’t cope). It’s very draining and I don’t have much support though am meeting a friend later whose parents are similar age and she has experienced a loss recently with all the upset and work involved. 

I’ve ordered the book in caring as recommended earlier in this thread by BrilliantButScarey, making a start with getting professional support or at least diagnosis for my Dad. He’s forgetful and has poor balance so I’m sure there’s dementia - the lack of appetite may be related to this. It’s sad when they get to this. He didn’t know the month or year when he was asked recently.

Sorry to say I agree with you about the possible dementia. The worry is with poor balance that he may suffer a serious fall. This must also be upsetting for your mum. After my mum died, dad was OK for a couple of years (moved to about 0.5 mile from me, very close to doctor and neighbourhood shops) but in the last 6 months a fairly steady decline resulting in hospitalisation and passed at age 88, 3 years and 3 days after mum.

mlz1413

Wellingborough has a 1hr train to London, is cheaper than Northampton or MK, but it is not the nicest town, although Irchester is close and has a lovely country park.  Some nice villages around that area.

RedFraggle

Apologies if this is a controversial view but would you even be contemplating this for any other reason?
I have seen friends relocate for a similar reason and find that being closer doesn't actually make any difference in what elderly parents will do, and whilst it eases their own guilt at being so far away, they've subsequently regretted the move.
I'm 5 hours from my 87 year old Mum. I managed her finances, have her meals delivered etc. She told me a long while ago I wasn't ever to move back home. 
If she was in dire need we would lock up our flat and move in with her, but we wouldn't give up a life in a place we love and are happy in on a permanent basis. 

KxMx

I was pleased when Mum decided to go for the sheltered housing complex that's a few minutes walk from mine, instead of the one awkward to get to by bus (I don't drive). 

The reality of the last few years though is my own health has been broken several times over, her needs since moving have changed radically and now far exceed anything I can support her with and this year she's been in hospital more often than she's been at home.

Whereas I started off supporting her quite a lot I now do very little, down to hospital visits once a week, maybe checking on her flat once or twice a week. 

I have my own life to lead which is already restricted by health problems. 

It's not that I don't care, because I do deeply, but I've had to develop a tough skin for my own protection. 

Unfortunately I don't think you have reached that overloaded/overwhelmed point where you realise you can't do everything, and actually for your own sake you need to do less.

Maybe your brother & sil have because they've dealt more with the day to day reality.

You mention Dad would probably eat more if you put food in front of him - how does daily or multiple daily visits for this fit into your own working and social life?
Believe me once you start doing more for them, the more you will need an outlet for your own sanity.