Divorce Advice!

Cobbler_tone

You haven't mentioned pensions, which may/may not be key.
I handed over 100% equity, including a car and house contents (about £300k) plus £60k cash, in order to retain my pension which was valued at £670k at the start - around £430k by the actual point of divorce. i.e. I started again with nothing on paper, aside from the pension. I rented for 5 years (I knew I would probably never afford to buy again) and once I moved out I cleared all household bills and it took me around 12 months to get my name off of all bills, apart from the mortgage. I paid that in full for 5 years until the house was sold. She downsized from a 4 bed detached to a 3 bed semi and by the time this was all sorted I only had 18 months of CM to pay, the last payment being next week, woo hoo! I have been able to maximise my pension contributions for the past couple of years and in good shape.
I genuinely tried to do the right thing for the kids (and her), whilst making sure I was OK too. My first rental was horrible and it wasn't a great time.
As it turned out I met someone lovely (and independent) and life is a lot rosier. I always knew I'd be OK but it was playing the long game. I figure that I deserved a break but don't carry any resentment and made my own life choices, including getting out of the situation I was in. Always 100 times harder when you have children.
She has a house paid for but won't have changed her work choices and would imagine lives month to month. She could sit on a till at Tesco's and increase her earnings potential by £10k a year.
I also feel happier that I am in better position to help my kids and will gift them a significant amount next year when I retire. Just keep looking forwards and I was taught that life is like a river, you are just travelling down it....just don't drown!

Pablolufc

Cobbler_tone said:

You haven't mentioned pensions, which may/may not be key.
I handed over 100% equity, including a car and house contents (about £300k) plus £60k cash, in order to retain my pension which was valued at £670k at the start - around £430k by the actual point of divorce. i.e. I started again with nothing on paper, aside from the pension. I rented for 5 years (I knew I would probably never afford to buy again) and once I moved out I cleared all household bills and it took me around 12 months to get my name off of all bills, apart from the mortgage. I paid that in full for 5 years until the house was sold. She downsized from a 4 bed detached to a 3 bed semi and by the time this was all sorted I only had 18 months of CM to pay, the last payment being next week, woo hoo! I have been able to maximise my pension contributions for the past couple of years and in good shape.
I genuinely tried to do the right thing for the kids (and her), whilst making sure I was OK too. My first rental was horrible and it wasn't a great time.
As it turned out I met someone lovely (and independent) and life is a lot rosier. I always knew I'd be OK but it was playing the long game. I figure that I deserved a break but don't carry any resentment and made my own life choices, including getting out of the situation I was in. Always 100 times harder when you have children.
She has a house paid for but won't have changed her work choices and would imagine lives month to month. She could sit on a till at Tesco's and increase her earnings potential by £10k a year.
I also feel happier that I am in better position to help my kids and will gift them a significant amount next year when I retire. Just keep looking forwards and I was taught that life is like a river, you are just travelling down it....just don't drown!

Thanks - my pension is valued at around £90k - forecast at retirement is about £250k if I increase payments. I am against renting - I would rather buy a small 2/3 bedroom house than rent a larger home. I am happy to split the equity in her favour to allow us both to buy. After 13 years of doing everything she wanted - including moving to where she grew up so she could be with family and friends I am really not keen on financing her for any length of time.

Cobbler_tone

Pablolufc said:

Cobbler_tone said:

You haven't mentioned pensions, which may/may not be key.
I handed over 100% equity, including a car and house contents (about £300k) plus £60k cash, in order to retain my pension which was valued at £670k at the start - around £430k by the actual point of divorce. i.e. I started again with nothing on paper, aside from the pension. I rented for 5 years (I knew I would probably never afford to buy again) and once I moved out I cleared all household bills and it took me around 12 months to get my name off of all bills, apart from the mortgage. I paid that in full for 5 years until the house was sold. She downsized from a 4 bed detached to a 3 bed semi and by the time this was all sorted I only had 18 months of CM to pay, the last payment being next week, woo hoo! I have been able to maximise my pension contributions for the past couple of years and in good shape.
I genuinely tried to do the right thing for the kids (and her), whilst making sure I was OK too. My first rental was horrible and it wasn't a great time.
As it turned out I met someone lovely (and independent) and life is a lot rosier. I always knew I'd be OK but it was playing the long game. I figure that I deserved a break but don't carry any resentment and made my own life choices, including getting out of the situation I was in. Always 100 times harder when you have children.
She has a house paid for but won't have changed her work choices and would imagine lives month to month. She could sit on a till at Tesco's and increase her earnings potential by £10k a year.
I also feel happier that I am in better position to help my kids and will gift them a significant amount next year when I retire. Just keep looking forwards and I was taught that life is like a river, you are just travelling down it....just don't drown!

Thanks - my pension is valued at around £90k - forecast at retirement is about £250k if I increase payments. I am against renting - I would rather buy a small 2/3 bedroom house than rent a larger home. I am happy to split the equity in her favour to allow us both to buy. After 13 years of doing everything she wanted - including moving to where she grew up so she could be with family and friends I am really not keen on financing her for any length of time.

Generally in a divorce the court will consider the children first but at the same time won't leave one party destitute.
It is going to depend if you can reach an agreement where it is feasible for you to both own a property. I couldn't see a way to do this, especially without coughing up my pension. This was a top priority for me, as I had paid into that from 16, way before her and it wasn't something she had any involvement in. Whilst I contributed the lions share of everything (including raising the kids!), I couldn't get wrapped up in handing over every tangible asset to hold onto it with both hands. I came up with this resolution, with the basis formed during mediation.
Once you get to solicitors they will tell you that you can get more, she has to pay for this and that etc. They will know what you want to hear and how to generate money!

It may not include her having a choice about downsizing. You might also want to get in the phrase "increasing earnings potential" during mediation and any future legal battles. She has a joint responsibility for your children and her own future. The money tree will wither!

ian1246

Op, your only choice really is to formally appoint a mediator and see if she accepts mediation. If she does not, ask for proof from the Mediator that she has rejected it and then commence legal proceedings with a solicitor. I assume you've already submitted the divorce paperwork online - starting the countdown to when you can seek a financial consent order to be authorised by a judge?

Remember, every month you delay is a month more of the mortgage your paying, meaning one more month where she gets 70% of the equity you've paid off that month (if 30/70 split) and one less month you have available to spread your own future mortgage borrowing across - pushing your own monthly mortgage costs up.

Its very much in her favour to drag this out, since every month she does means a pay check of several hundred £££ (i.e. if the equity accumulated every month is £500, 70% is £350).

Her attitude is truly appalling if she expects you just to prop her up for the rest of her life - good luck.

Pablolufc

ian1246 said:

Op, your only choice really is to formally appoint a mediator and see if she accepts mediation. If she does not, ask for proof from the Mediator that she has rejected it and then commence legal proceedings with a solicitor. I assume you've already submitted the divorce paperwork online - starting the countdown to when you can seek a financial consent order to be authorised by a judge?

Remember, every month you delay is a month more of the mortgage your paying, meaning one more month where she gets 70% of the equity you've paid off that month (if 30/70 split) and one less month you have available to spread your own future mortgage borrowing across - pushing your own monthly mortgage costs up.

Its very much in her favour to drag this out, since every month she does means a pay check of several hundred £££ (i.e. if the equity accumulated every month is £500, 70% is £350).

Her attitude is truly appalling if she expects you just to prop her up for the rest of her life - good luck.

Thank you - I think she is keen on mediation although unsure what it is exactly? Will the mediator advise us or basically sit and listen. As stated I am happy to sell and give her more of the equity to start a-fresh and at the same time I am happy to buy her out and pay over the odds so the children can keep the family home (when they are with me). She would likely get the same amount of money either way so I am thinking me buying her out would be best for all and least upheaval for all?

Cobbler_tone

Pablolufc said:

ian1246 said:

Op, your only choice really is to formally appoint a mediator and see if she accepts mediation. If she does not, ask for proof from the Mediator that she has rejected it and then commence legal proceedings with a solicitor. I assume you've already submitted the divorce paperwork online - starting the countdown to when you can seek a financial consent order to be authorised by a judge?

Remember, every month you delay is a month more of the mortgage your paying, meaning one more month where she gets 70% of the equity you've paid off that month (if 30/70 split) and one less month you have available to spread your own future mortgage borrowing across - pushing your own monthly mortgage costs up.

Its very much in her favour to drag this out, since every month she does means a pay check of several hundred £££ (i.e. if the equity accumulated every month is £500, 70% is £350).

Her attitude is truly appalling if she expects you just to prop her up for the rest of her life - good luck.

Thank you - I think she is keen on mediation although unsure what it is exactly? Will the mediator advise us or basically sit and listen. As stated I am happy to sell and give her more of the equity to start a-fresh and at the same time I am happy to buy her out and pay over the odds so the children can keep the family home (when they are with me). She would likely get the same amount of money either way so I am thinking me buying her out would be best for all and least upheaval for all?

Mediation will firstly be a 'safe space' to discuss your respective situations. They will come up with ideas on how to navigate the circumstances, or work with your own suggestions. They can draw up an agreement to take to a solicitor to work with. Firstly, it is probably the most dialogue you will be able to share and secondly it can massively cut down on legal fees if done well. It might also be the forum where one/both of you realise that you are banging your head against a brick wall. Most importantly, a good mediator will diffuse any flash points.
I would highly recommend two or three sessions and try and get some clear output at the end. Despite my settlement being changed several times during the legal process, the groundwork was established in mediation. I went with a clear idea of what I thought was the best outcome for both of us but depends on the dynamic of the relationship. I had to concede a lot more but it was a means to an end.

Uriziel

OP you are on your way to becoming homeless. I find it quite hilarious how much you are telling us about what your wife wants and what you would like for her. She already had a kid from another man and very low income and then you come along and give her a nice life and now she'd very much liked it if you disappeared but kept your money around and you are still obsessed with ensuring that she can get what she wants..? Do you understand that it is very possible for you to be made unemployed? And then you will have absolutely nothing? Do you also understand that no woman is going to bother with you knowing you are divorced and are paying another woman money?
You need to start speaking to your lawyer properly. She has worked PT and kept herself poor intentional without any good reason as you said she even avoided the kids on the weekend. You also paid the childcare and from the sounds of it everything else. I assume her income from her job was not used at all and was merely her own spending money. Her staying at home did not benefit you in the slightest. You should be trying to get as much as you can. Since she also did not take care of the kids and worked on weekends just to avoid them she should most certainly not get the house or the kids. Because she also has a kid from another man and is now going to another you can make the argument that she is not giving the kids a stable life and should not be getting any of them nor the house they live in currently. This is why men are no longer getting married.

elsien

Just for information, Uriziel has a slightly different take on the issues to most people on the forum, which can come across, (I’m sure inadvertently) as a tad misogynistic at times. 

Which is fine, but I suspect it’s based on his own specific bad experiences rather than more general knowledge of the systems. 

The comment that no woman who is going to bother with you in the future if you are paying maintenance for your children is not born out by many other posts on the forum where people are still paying maintenance and have a new partner. Personally I’d rather have a partner who takes responsibility rather than one who doesn’t.