2 problems, financial association and money spending OH!

floss2

Firsttimebuyer wrote: »

As for the wedding costing us our savings, we will actually get more money back in gifts than we have spent....I know this already for sure

Has your DF got plans for this money? Does she think she will be able to go & spend it, or would she agree to paying off some of her debts with it?

Firsttimebuyer_4

floss2 wrote: »

Has your DF got plans for this money? Does she think she will be able to go & spend it, or would she agree to paying off some of her debts with it?

It will be used to pay off debts...no doubt about that...and she has agreed to that....Luckily!

System

Surely if you love her, if she doesnt curb her spendthrift ways you will end up bailing her out/paying her debts.

She is acting like a spoilt child, sooner or later she will start asking you to help her out...... hardly a good start to married life is it?

jaapie

Have you thought about showing her this thread. When I had my lightbulb moment I put up my SOA and my oh was still saying it'll be ok. Some of the posters were negative because he did not seem to be taking it seriously so I showed him and it give him the jolt he needed and now we are in this together. That might work for you.

Adrasteia01

Just a thought, but once you get married your debts kind of are joint debts. You will see them as personal debts and probably insist on paying them separately at first, but eventually you'll probably start paying hers yourself. If you're getting married you're in this together. It might help to start viewing things as a team. It's hard to keep things completely separate (and some would say unfair - if one partner is 'better off' than the other) when you are married. I also agree that if she gets pregnant you may be the sole wage earner, so you should consider what will happen if she did get pregnant.

Have you totalled up all of her debts, interest rates etc and shown it to her (if she hasn't done this herself)? Do you know exactly how much she owes and how long it will take her (or the pair of you) to repay it? I'd suggest finding out, and getting a copy of your and her credit reports in case there's anything you've missed.

esthomizzy

I sympathise. My ex was useless with money I used to pay all the bills and just tell him how much he owed the pot (which he was fine with as long as he didn't have to deal with any of it). My current other half (it's much earlier in proceedings) is very secretive about money he earns at least 10 grand more than me and his rent costs are a third of my mortgage yet he often borrows towards the end of the month. The only thing I can see to show for any of this money is a generosity in round buying in the pub/pre alcoholism. I suspect he has bigger debts that he is willing to own up to. Asking him to tell me so I can help him doesn't help though so I'm leaving him to his LB moment in his own good time. With relevance to this thread though, I wouldn't dream of marrying him unless I know the full extent of his financial situation and I believed that he wouldn't get into debt again. Not that that's to say pull out. You obviously love her and I hope you'll be very happy but you might have to sit her down and say you are worried about how it will be when you both have kids because much as you would like it to be your salary is not enough to account for hers and your spending so if she can't economise it wont be financially viable to have kids for several years. If she is very keen on kids soon maybe this will persuade her.

Firsttimebuyer_4

Adrasteia01 wrote: »

Have you totalled up all of her debts, interest rates etc and shown it to her (if she hasn't done this herself)? Do you know exactly how much she owes and how long it will take her (or the pair of you) to repay it? I'd suggest finding out, and getting a copy of your and her credit reports in case there's anything you've missed.

Funny you should mention this! I've had a chat with her at the dinner table this evening I have just ordered my credit reports from the 3 main agencies (I was doing this anyway as I want to ensure my history is recorded correctly before I apply). I mentioned this as a starting point for the conversation and suggested she should get hers to and I'll happily pay the £6 for her. She has now printed out the forms and filled them out. I'll post them along with mine tomorrow! I then suggested we do a proper finance review......and she agreed with me! She's going to dig out all her statements, loan details etc and we're doing a review this weekend.....

Initial conversation went better than I expected... I did not say anything about cutting costs etc at this moment in time...so there's no "lightbulb moment"...yet...We've just agreed to figure out how much we owe, to whom and how long it will take to pay off in preparation for our married life together. Then I left it and started talking about something else.

I already know my status and I know her debts are around £25k...but I'll figure out the total when i see her paperwork. Her salary is currently £21k....but going up to £24k on 1st April.... So in total our salaries are £54k (£33k + £21k) with debts of £53k (£29k + £24k). This is a lot...but it should be manageable with some proper budgeting! I've so far not paid any of her debt..she's done that herself. We also share all bills equally apart from the rent..which I pay a bit more on as I have a higher salary.

So far so good.....I'll update as soon as we've had the conversation.

fc123

Firsttimebuyer wrote: »

Funny you should mention this! I've had a chat with her at the dinner table this evening I have just ordered my credit reports from the 3 main agencies (I was doing this anyway as I want to ensure my history is recorded correctly before I apply). I mentioned this as a starting point for the conversation and suggested she should get hers to and I'll happily pay the £6 for her. She has now printed out the forms and filled them out. I'll post them along with mine tomorrow! I then suggested we do a proper finance review......and she agreed with me! She's going to dig out all her statements, loan details etc and we're doing a review this weekend.....



I already know my status and I know her debts are around £25k...but I'll figure out the total when i see her paperwork. Her salary is currently £21k....but going up to £24k on 1st April.... So in total our salaries are £54k (£33k + £21k) with debts of £53k (£29k + £24k). This is a lot...but it should be manageable with some proper budgeting! I've so far not paid any of her debt..she's done that herself. We also share all bills equally apart from the rent..which I pay a bit more on as I have a higher salary.

So far so good.....I'll update as soon as we've had the conversation.

Hi FTB....just worked my way through the thread...good luck!
However as someone who is coming up to 21 yrs married with a couple of kids (we were young!) can I just say.................................
The REALLy hard bits have been debt, problems with debt....fine when things tick over and it can be serviced or paid back....but things change all the time....no job / income is forever nowadays..........amount of debt, not being able to deal with crisises and disasters because of debt, being trapped in situations because the debt restricts ones choices..................................

2 things jump out at me from your post (I REALLY wish these forums had existed 20 yrs ago! Would haved saved us a lot of mistakes)

Your debt ratio to income is terrifying (sorry I have to say it!) We had debt of over 6 figures BUT had income over 6 figures too....lots swooshing in and lots swooshing out again....I think it masked the true problem (business related, we are self-employed) for some time.

Having children is dead expensive and a big strain on any couple...they are expensive NOT just because of the stuff they "need" but the restrictions on ones ability (mainly mum) to earn.

Having to go back full time, pay child care (you're looking at £700 pm f/t ) is exhausting. It is also rotten to drop them off everyday when they just want to toddle around at home, but you can't stay at home because your earnings are essential keeping the household running.

This is hard on any couple plus bloke then feels neglected because mum is run ragged.

Sorry...just wanted to post to you as your thoughts struck a chord!:D

fc123

Sorry I forgot...when you marry,I believe all your financial stuff becomes ONE.

As far as I am aware, married couples are seen as one financial entity....someone can correct me if I'm wrong.

happyhappygal

fc123 wrote: »

Your debt ratio to income is terrifying (sorry I have to say it!)

I don't think so. Its manageable and you will get rid.

FC123 - I thought that the above was not very helpful, reassuring or realisitic.