2 problems, financial association and money spending OH!

chevalier

ZTD said exactly what I wanted to say, but with far more tact. You don't say what her level of debts are, but I would agree with the another poster that you make it clear, that you WILL NOT bail her out, either now or more importantly AFTER you are married, if she continues to spend irresponsibly. Also I would make it clear that you cannot even think about having children while she has this level of debt. You do not say how old you both are, but the prospect of putting off children may shake her up a bit, if it is something she really wants.

And the next time you are having a money conversation and she gets upset and angry, then say something like 'I am sorry but your emotional blackmail will not work any more, we are going to continue discussing money until it is sorted out so that we both agree what we are going to do'

I would REALLY not want to go into a marriage without some ground work laid down about this. Otherwise you will BOTH be 'uncomfortable and stressed' about money
chev

RAS

Hi

I appreciate that is the way that you have run things, and you may want to keep separate bank accounts etc, but if you are going to be able to live comfortably when you do have children,then you need to learn how to live off one salary alone.

If you want to set up separate accounts each for living expenses, to the total value on your income, and another set for debt payments, to the value of her income, does it matter where the money is actually coming from?

What matters is that you learn to live within the income that will be available to you if you have children. You could also choose to really economise and live off a lot less of course.

churchrat

hello
I have just read thro your post and feel the need to add my thoughts (such as they are:rolleyes: ) to all the other advice.
I really just want to say, that like just about all the others on here, I also think that this is not just a money problem. The 2 of you have worked out a way of dealing with the really uncomfortable aspcts of life, which at the moment seems to be only money. Your chosen way of dealing with painful topics is not to discuss them at all. In 10 years time it will not only be money problems you are dealing with in this way, it will be all "uncomfortable" issues. This is not to say that this method does not work, it obviously has for the 2 of you for 9 years, the problem comes when one of the partnership decides that this method no longer works for them, but their partner cannot see why things have changed. If you,Ftb, feel that you want to carry on dealing with all painful issues(and in a long marriage there will be many) in this way then carry on the way you are now. Choose to do nothing about it and the money problem will ease after you marry- you have said that you are getting money as presents- but you will still be dealing with problems in the same way. You say that you love her, but I think that to pretend that you do not find her attitude towards this aspect of your life together hurtful, displays fear rather than love. What would happen if you insisted on talking about money when she was crying? would she leave? what is the worst that could happen?
sorry for preaching, but I think the best advice came form the person who suggested counselling. You can go to either Marriage Care (Catholic run but they do not preach and are very good) or Relate (I work for these and so am biased!)
good luck with whatever you decide. 9 years is a long time together and should not be sleepwalked out of without a fight.

ZTD

Firsttimebuyer wrote: »

I think you misread it. We don't have any major disagreements (I wrote, the odd disagreement, but nothing major)

Firsttimebuyer wrote: »

As you can see this is having a serious impact on our relationship and is not healthy.

But it's not major.

ZTD

chevalier wrote: »

ZTD said exactly what I wanted to say, but with far more tact.

Tact? Moi? You jest...

chevalier

yes ZTD tact, when I first read this post and how selfish the lady is being, I wanted to swear and curse in annoyance....., so well done for saying what I wanted to say, without swearing or getting annoyed.

chev

BrickingIt

Firsttimebuyer wrote: »

I'm going to sit down with her one day and go through her and our finances again...and try reasoning with her and bring up marriage/kids etc......The one thing she wants in life is children.......so that might open her eyes!

Cracking Idea.

G-G_4

Hate to sound negative but she sounds just like me, right up until I went bankrupt a month ago

My OH is very good with his finances, and our home is mortgaged just in his name thank god, also we don't have any financial connection with accounts etc. He spent years trying to tell me about my spending etc, but I just didn't listen, never thought it would happen to me. I guess I always thought I would sort it out one day.

I am 24 now, and I had accumilated debts on credit cards and the odd loan since I was 17. I honestly had no idea I was going to go bankrupt. I was self employed running my own business for 2.5 years and all going well.. Things with work changed and I couldn't afford my debt. That was all it took. A few months later I was bankrupt, it's as easy as that..

I'm not a bad person, i'm not reckless or stupid. I just spent too much and tried to live a life I couldn't afford.

In some ways the bankruptcy has been a relief. I owed about 42k and then probably more like 50k once my tax bill has been worked out. I had no idea I owed this much until about 4 months ago when I first started having issues paying my debt and decided to work it out exactly.

I lost my car, my business, and I now have a basic bank account with no cheque book or overdraft. I am happy with this though, it was the ultimate shock I needed!

I have gone from spending £100 a month on my phone, to about £2, I just don't use it now. I make lots of homemade stuff. The food bill has gone from £100 to £50 a week. I don't buy things for myself anymore. I save money wherever I can, mostly from the info on this site.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 7 yrs now, and although you may not think it, money issues put huge strains on relationships. It sounds as though you have a good relationship and I wish you the best of luck, don't let money ruin anything in life! I would however nip something in the bud right now.. the getting upset part, it's not on! I used to do it, it's a way of avoiding confrontation over money and it an excuse to get out of the conversation. It's a childish thing to do and you have to try and get this across to her because she knows you will feel sorry for her and shut up, or at least make you less likely to try and talk about it again in the future.

Don't underestimate the seriousness of her debt. She may be able to afford it now, but what if a special offer finishes, or she is off work ill, or loses her job. All of a sudden the situation becomes unmanageable.

I do wish you the best of luck, but seriously, show her this post! Show her how much it bothers you and say you just want a plan before the wedding as you want to make sure the future together is secure.

Gem x

painted_lady

I think you can make it work, but your current approach obviously isnt working. I like the idea of saving up for something together, or ebaying together, also, sometimes we just have to accept our partners arent perfect!!!
Best of luck.

painted_lady

Can I also add that when I saw 2 blue lines on a test I also had my lightbulb moment. I stopped spending on silly things, big things and extravegant holidays. It did actually work for me, put things into perspective. I am into my 9th month of maternity leave, currently on no salary from work, but am suddenly good at budgeting and good at not spending. I couldnt bear the though of carrying on how I was with a child, it might actually work!