Family don't understand my money concerns

Pollycat

MikeL93 said:

Pollycat said:

Reading previous threads, I think the OP struggles with standing up for himself. 
He has his own family now and needs to put his big boy pants on and support them.

I will be the first to admit I have had problems with standing up for myself. Even from being a kid because I didn't like confrontation I would back down just to please people or act as a peacemaker. But over the past few months/year I have started to speak up more but my family has interpreted that as me just being argumentative and wanting to distance myself from them.

That's because they've controlled you all your life and now you have different, more important priorities.
And they don't like that 

I think it's incredibly arrogant to buy a plane ticket for you when you've said you don't want to go.

The stag do sounds awful. 
Put your family first.

RAS

Mike, lovely to hear from you again, although in difficult circumstances.  Again.

Your mother is a control freak and when she can't control, she bullies. Although it appears that some around her manage by getting out of control themselves? 

For once this might not be entirely about you? My guess is that with 2xSIL getting blathered in Madrid, she's hoping you and dad can minimise the risky behaviour, get them back, intact and without any nasties? So this may not be entirely about money? 

Whilst you have a grown up partnership with your beloved and a clear understanding of your responsibilities to each other and your son, her daughters choose big boys? Not sure you want to look after them as well?

With respect to your wee lad and nursery, I'd suggest booking him into the extra day now. Whilst it would be lovely for him to stay at home and be looked after by family, this is just leaving your little family hostage to fortune. Your mum will choose repeated deals with which she demands that you comply or she'll withdraw support at short notice. And I'd wager there''ll be multiple micro-aggressions because she'll want to choose his nappy brand etc, etc. 

You'll just be putting yourself and your partner in the firing line.

MikeL93

RAS said:

Mike, lovely to hear from you again, although in difficult circumstances.  Again.

Your mother is a control freak and when she can't control, she bullies. Although it appears that some around her manage by getting out of control themselves? 

For once this might not be entirely about you? My guess is that with 2xSIL getting blathered in Madrid, she's hoping you and dad can minimise the risky behaviour, get them back, intact and without any nasties? So this may not be entirely about money? 

Whilst you have a grown up partnership with your beloved and a clear understanding of your responsibilities to each other and your son, her daughters choose big boys? Not sure you want to look after them as well?

With respect to your wee lad and nursery, I'd suggest booking him into the extra day now. Whilst it would be lovely for him to stay at home and be looked after by family, this is just leaving your little family hostage to fortune. Your mum will choose repeated deals with which she demands that you comply or she'll withdraw support at short notice. And I'd wager there''ll be multiple micro-aggressions because she'll want to choose his nappy brand etc, etc. 

You'll just be putting yourself and your partner in the firing line.

Being honest, from conversations I have had with my older sister I am getting the impression my dad really wont be joining in with any of the typical stag do stuff so basically I am being dragged along to keep him company. But if he doesn't want to get involved and won't be getting involved then what is the point in going in the first place? I have asked that exact question and the answer was basically "your dad is going because he feels like he has to go."

Sea_Shell

TheSpectator said:

MikeL93 said:

TheSpectator said:

MikeL93 said:

Pollycat said:

Reading previous threads, I think the OP struggles with standing up for himself. 
He has his own family now and needs to put his big boy pants on and support them.

I will be the first to admit I have had problems with standing up for myself. Even from being a kid because I didn't like confrontation I would back down just to please people or act as a peacemaker. But over the past few months/year I have started to speak up more but my family has interpreted that as me just being argumentative and wanting to distance myself from them.

Do you really want your new family sucked into this toxicity. Now is the time to make that stand for them. Don't get into an argument, tell them it's not up for debate that you are not going.

What is your wifes view on this?

She is the same as me where when something erupts we try to act as a peacemaker. But she also thinks that if I don't want to go I shouldn't be forced to go. 

Well, hers is the only view you should be listening to.

I agree.

My DHs opinion often flies in the face of my family's.

I'm sure they think I'm in a coersive relationship 😉, but our opinions align.

So, just be aware that "blame" for you not wanting to do xyz, could fall on your OH.

RAS

Shall we re-phrase that?

MikeL93 said

 "your dad is going because your mum feels like he has to go."

It's really hard but you need to let go of the details. Nothing in your life in which your mother gets involved is ever going to make sense. She thrives on messing with your head. And is taking up too much of your energy.

Scrambling the serenity prayer, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to do something about those things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

When she speaks, let the words dissipate like rain drops on a hot road. If she says, "Are you ignoring me," Yes.

kentboy101

I for one hate when people ignore your feelings and push on regardless of what YOU want to do and how YOU feel. I am with you in not wanting to go, sounds like it will be horrible! I like a drink, but hate being around people who have not grown up and insist on going out every weekend getting blind drunk, they need to grow up a bit.

As much of a nice thing for your parents to pay your flight, that is very nice of them, but agian they did this without consulting you, and even after you had said no to going repeatedly. If they loose the money, that is their fault, don't let them blame it on you.

As for your sister, she sounds quite entitled. Again she should respect your decision.

Alderbank

kentboy101 said:

I for one hate when people ignore your feelings and push on regardless of what YOU want to do and how YOU feel.

Are you a friend of the OP's mum?

I am sure that she agrees so much with your point of view, she also hates it when people ignore her feelings and want to push on selfishly doing what they want to do regardless of what SHE wants and SHE feels.

Probably a lost cause Mike, but is there any chance of your dad growing a pair and saying, 'Actually I don't want to go either. I'd sooner spend that weekend at home here with my son and grandchild'?

I bet that secretly he would love to say that (when his wife is out of earshot).

Savvy_Sue

When did the groom's father start going on the stag do? Terrifying thought ... 

Mind you, I did once have the bride's parents at a hen do. That was a jolly evening ... not!

sheramber

No is a complete sentence.

As long as you allow your mother and all to dictate to you they will continue.

It will never be easy to break the apron strings , no matter when you do it. 

As your children grow up there will be more episodes so take a stand now.  

Your wife and children come first.

It will not be easy. I had to do it. My mother was not as bad as yours but she did expect to be put first. After the initial unpleasantness it settled down and she knew where she stood. 

As far as your sister’s wedding is concerned, if they are prepared not to invite you that speaks more about them than you.

I would tell them that if that is how they feel then that is fine with you.

Do not let them make you feel bad for putting your family first.