Family don't understand my money concerns

MikeL93

Hi, I have posted on here before about issues I have with my family.

So my little sister is getting married in Summer and I have been invited on my future brother-in-laws stag do which is to Madrid over Easter weekend. When it was first mentioned last year I decided there and then I wouldn't be going for a number of reasons 1. It's too expensive 2. It is taking place 3 weeks before my little boy's first birthday and I would rather spend that money on him and 3. I just don't want to go anyway. 

Over the weekend my parents and little sister came round and the discussion about the stag do came up in conversation so I just told them I won't be going because I can't afford it and they all just completely flipped out and failed to even listen to what I was telling them. Basically the day before we found out my girlfriend was pregnant with our son we discovered she was losing her job as it was at a high street shop that went into administration. So she ended up going back to her old job that she hated and wasn't there long enough to get any company maternity pay so has just been on maternity allowance for the past 7/8 months. We sat down and went through all our finances and came to the agreement that I will pay all the bills myself so mortgage, energy, council tax, internet, food shopping etc and she would use her maternity allowance money to pay off debts she racked up from before we were together. Now we are due to add nursery bills into the mix in 8 weeks time and I have been putting money away each month to pay for my son's two days a week at nursery that will cover the weeks he is there until we get the government funding.

I told my parents and sister all this which I really didn't want to and all they could say was "but you'll be better off financially wont you when X goes back to work" and the answer is no. We worked it all out and from a financial point of view it doesn't make sense for my girlfriend to go back full time as her pay slip will just be swallowed up by nursery fees so we agreed she would go back part time for now.

In response to this my parents said they will pay for my flight and went ahead and booked flights for me and my dad to go so I just replied to them and told them they have wasted their money on something I don't want to do but they ignored me. So now I am essentially being forced to do something I don't want to do that is going to be expensive when I am there and really could do without spending that money and both me and my girlfriend are having to take time off work now, me so that I can go on this stag do and my girlfriend so that she can stay off work and look after our son.

What should I do? I have tried to explain why I really don't want to go on this stag do to my family but they just cannot see things from my point of view. My parents are telling me I am being ungrateful and my sister is telling me I am being selfish. My parents haven't had money worries for years so just think the answer to everything is just throwing money at it and my little sister is the favourite so they always give her money to help her out so she doesn't understand the worries I am having. I want to be financially independent and not always having to rely on my parents but they are making me feel like that is a bad thing.

northwalesd

Just tell them you're not going. You don't want any further discussion on the subject, end of.

MikeL93

northwalesd said:

Just tell them you're not going. You don't want any further discussion on the subject, end of.

I tried that but it descended into if I don't go then the family will cut me off and I won't be welcome at the wedding. When some of my family members don't get their own way they can be very toxic. 

TheSpectator

MikeL93 said:

northwalesd said:

Just tell them you're not going. You don't want any further discussion on the subject, end of.

I tried that but it descended into if I don't go then the family will cut me off and I won't be welcome at the wedding. When some of my family members don't get their own way they can be very toxic. 

The old saying you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family.

I absolutely would not go just to please them and to be honest would it be the worst thing in the world if you were distanced from them if they are toxic. Live your life for you and your new family.

Flugelhorn

Just say you aren't going and if they don't invite you to the wedding it is their loss, you can save some money and have a nice day out somewhere 

Awful when people get pressurised into social events they don't want to take part in

Alderbank

I notice that it's just your parents and little sister who are applying this unreasonable force.

What's your relationship with your future b-i-l? I get the feeling that he is similar age to you and is broadly sympathetic with your position, as all reasonable people would be, but he has been told by his beloved to keep his nose out?

My view is that it is entirely between him and his friends who goes on the stag do.

Voyager2002

Send your family a polite note thanking them for the flight, but explain that you have childcare commitments that weekend and your baby son comes first.

Incidentally, I thought that a 'stag do' was about the last night of freedom before marriage, spent with old friends from the days of being single. So it is really bizarre that bride's family are getting involved to that extent.

TheSpectator

Voyager2002 said:.

Incidentally, I thought that a 'stag do' was about the last night of freedom before marriage, spent with old friends from the days of being single. So it is really bizarre that bride's family are getting involved to that extent.

Seems to be the 'done' thing these days. I've seen folk go on a stag do having never met the groom or his friends.

WYSPECIAL

MikeL93 said:

northwalesd said:

Just tell them you're not going. You don't want any further discussion on the subject, end of.

I tried that but it descended into if I don't go then the family will cut me off and I won't be welcome at the wedding. When some of my family members don't get their own way they can be very toxic. 

Not being invited to the wedding would be an added money saving bonus.

MikeL93

Alderbank said:

I notice that it's just your parents and little sister who are applying this unreasonable force.

What's your relationship with your future b-i-l? I get the feeling that he is similar age to you and is broadly sympathetic with your position, as all reasonable people would be, but he has been told by his beloved to keep his nose out?

My view is that it is entirely between him and his friends who goes on the stag do.

Me and my future B-I-L really dont have much in common, he is 6 years younger than me and is still into going out getting plastered most weekends. He also isn't sympathetic to my position as my parents have "lent" him and my sister circa £400,000 to buy an old house and renovate it and my parents have paid at least £30,000 towards their wedding. 

TheSpectator

MikeL93 said:

Alderbank said:

I notice that it's just your parents and little sister who are applying this unreasonable force.

What's your relationship with your future b-i-l? I get the feeling that he is similar age to you and is broadly sympathetic with your position, as all reasonable people would be, but he has been told by his beloved to keep his nose out?

My view is that it is entirely between him and his friends who goes on the stag do.

Me and my future B-I-L really dont have much in common, he is 6 years younger than me and is still into going out getting plastered most weekends. He also isn't sympathetic to my position as my parents have "lent" him and my sister circa £400,000 to buy an old house and renovate it and my parents have paid at least £30,000 towards their wedding. 

For me, that seals the deal. Don't let them cut you off, you cut them off.