Family don't understand my money concerns

MikeL93

TheSpectator said:

MikeL93 said:

Alderbank said:

I notice that it's just your parents and little sister who are applying this unreasonable force.

What's your relationship with your future b-i-l? I get the feeling that he is similar age to you and is broadly sympathetic with your position, as all reasonable people would be, but he has been told by his beloved to keep his nose out?

My view is that it is entirely between him and his friends who goes on the stag do.

Me and my future B-I-L really dont have much in common, he is 6 years younger than me and is still into going out getting plastered most weekends. He also isn't sympathetic to my position as my parents have "lent" him and my sister circa £400,000 to buy an old house and renovate it and my parents have paid at least £30,000 towards their wedding. 

There certainly feels like there is a great amount of favouritism.

ButterCheese

I would agree with the posts above.  If your parents don't respect your decision not to go, then they do not respect you.  A threat to "cut you off" is absurd and childish, and will probably not come to fruition anyway.  I reckon as soon as your child is born, they'll be queuing up to visit you.

Also try and speak to BIL as he may have some sway.  But if he doesn't then unfortunately he is already under the crushing control of your sister and family.  He'll learn the hard way in a few years time.

The main thing to ensure you do, at all costs, is to remain calm and stick to the facts.  Do not get involved with slinging emotions around.  Do not act as badly as them.  Do not give them excuses to blame you.  This sort of thing can be very tough but can be overcome with time.  I had 2 friends who had very similar issues with this - they now don't speak to their sisters or parents, it's very sad.  But on the other hand, one of them is not sad because he says if they're going to be toxic then he doesn't want them to be part of his life, or his children's.

Finally, and this might sound bad but I'm a straight talker.  It's worth keeping in with your parents if they are financially stable.  It would be easy to give them a piece of your mind and be cut out of the will.  Only you can decide how much their inheritance is worth to you! 

Sea_Shell

It's hard trying to navigate (extended) family life and keep everyone happy.

Sometimes you just have to stand your ground, and if they want to make a drama out of it, let them.

Just reply with "I'm sorry that you feel unable to respect my decision"

Luckily, I am not in any way dependent on mine for money or any other assistance, so if they put me in the dog house*, it's their loss.



*Currently residing there, after turning down an invitation. 

MikeL93

Sea_Shell said:

It's hard trying to navigate (extended) family life and keep everyone happy.

Sometimes you just have to stand your ground, and if they want to make a drama out of it, let them.

Just reply with "I'm sorry that you feel unable to respect my decision"

Luckily, I am not in any way dependent on mine for money or any other assistance, so if they put me in the dog house*, it's their loss.



*Currently residing there, after turning down an invitation. 

I'm not dependent on them in any way, the only time I borrowed money from them was a £1000 loan to help me buy a car for my 21st and I paid them back within two months. I get the feeling that they dont like me being independent.

MEM62

MikeL93 said:

So now I am essentially being forced to do something I don't want to do that is going to be expensive 

No you are not.  You stated that you would not be going. Don't make this your issue when, essentially, it is not.  

Sea_Shell

MikeL93 said:

Sea_Shell said:

It's hard trying to navigate (extended) family life and keep everyone happy.

Sometimes you just have to stand your ground, and if they want to make a drama out of it, let them.

Just reply with "I'm sorry that you feel unable to respect my decision"

Luckily, I am not in any way dependent on mine for money or any other assistance, so if they put me in the dog house*, it's their loss.



*Currently residing there, after turning down an invitation. 

I'm not dependent on them in any way, the only time I borrowed money from them was a £1000 loan to help me buy a car for my 21st and I paid them back within two months. I get the feeling that they dont like me being independent.

You've hit the nail on the head there, I feel.

It sounds like they love being in control of everyone , both financially and emotionally.

Glad to hear you have your independence.

Your priority is to your own nuclear family.   

Best nip their bullying in the bud now, before they get their hooks in as overbearing grandparents too.   

FlorayG

MikeL93 said:

northwalesd said:

Just tell them you're not going. You don't want any further discussion on the subject, end of.

I tried that but it descended into if I don't go then the family will cut me off and I won't be welcome at the wedding. When some of my family members don't get their own way they can be very toxic. 

Perfect reason to cut them off IMO. Who wants to deal with toxic family? I have a family member I haven't spoken to for 20 years. Just say "I'm not going I don't want to" don't mention cost. They can offer to pay, but they can't make you WANT to go

Emmia

You could mysteriously oversleep and miss the flight?

MikeL93

Sea_Shell said:

MikeL93 said:

Sea_Shell said:

It's hard trying to navigate (extended) family life and keep everyone happy.

Sometimes you just have to stand your ground, and if they want to make a drama out of it, let them.

Just reply with "I'm sorry that you feel unable to respect my decision"

Luckily, I am not in any way dependent on mine for money or any other assistance, so if they put me in the dog house*, it's their loss.



*Currently residing there, after turning down an invitation. 

I'm not dependent on them in any way, the only time I borrowed money from them was a £1000 loan to help me buy a car for my 21st and I paid them back within two months. I get the feeling that they dont like me being independent.

Best nip their bullying in the bud now, before they get their hooks in as overbearing grandparents too.   

Thing is my mum is due to look after kid one day a week when my girlfriend goes back to work in a few weeks. Me and my girlfriend have though seriously discussed this week taking that one day a week off my mum and putting him into nursery an extra day.

TheSpectator

MikeL93 said:

Sea_Shell said:

MikeL93 said:

Sea_Shell said:

It's hard trying to navigate (extended) family life and keep everyone happy.

Sometimes you just have to stand your ground, and if they want to make a drama out of it, let them.

Just reply with "I'm sorry that you feel unable to respect my decision"

Luckily, I am not in any way dependent on mine for money or any other assistance, so if they put me in the dog house*, it's their loss.



*Currently residing there, after turning down an invitation. 

I'm not dependent on them in any way, the only time I borrowed money from them was a £1000 loan to help me buy a car for my 21st and I paid them back within two months. I get the feeling that they dont like me being independent.

Best nip their bullying in the bud now, before they get their hooks in as overbearing grandparents too.   

Thing is my mum is due to look after kid one day a week when my girlfriend goes back to work in a few weeks. Me and my girlfriend have though seriously discussed this week taking that one day a week off my mum and putting him into nursery an extra day.

Don't let them have that leverage over you. If your mum wants to have that relationship with her grandchild then let her make the first move.