Please god help, 60k in debt and feeling suicidal

ManyWays

I’ve been trawling the posts on the site to find anyone in a similar situation to myself who hasn’t lost everything, I can’t see a way out of this where I don’t lose everything
And how many did you find where people here had recommended a DMP where they did "lose everything", probably none! CCJs in a DMP are rare; Charging orders are very rare; Orders for sale or statutory demands are vanishingly rare; I cannot remember seeing one from a standard consumer lender in the last 10 years.

Look, there is a simple way to dramatically reduce the stress on you. Go to StepChang for a DMP. One simple payment from you, your lenders will freeze interest (and if they dont you can complain.) If any havent defaulted you in a year you can also complain about that.

The advice here to not use StepChange but DIY a debt management plan is because it may get your credit record cleared sooner. But it is a lot more stressful dealing with (or trying to ignore) the creditors yourself. Going to StepChange is not a stupid idea and it would take a mass of pressure off you. 

kimwp

Your creditors don't know what's in your accounts. It's completely down to you what you pay them, they can't grab cash from you as they feel.

If you do want to move house, then the defaults are going to affect the mortgage rates that you can get and both your credit histories will both be affected because you are currently linked. So at this point, it may not produce any savings and also will add stress to a situation that's already causing you both stress. It may be a good idea, but it's not one to rush into.

Do you have the numbers for the various organisations that you can call when you spiral in the night? Samaritans etc? I think it's a good idea to have them on your phone, so there's no barriers to talking to someone so you are not on your own with these spiralling thoughts.

Having said that, talking out loud can help you order your thoughts, but I actually think you need to focus some of your thinking time on the good things in your life. This is not the same thing as suppressing your feelings- you absolutely should be paying attention to those and processing them. But actively spending some time thinking about the joyous things in your life will reduce the time you spend unproductively worrying and help you put those worries in perspective. The spiral is that we spend lots of time thinking about our worries, so we start to believe the worries are more important than they really are, so we spend even more time thinking about them and it continues until the situation becomes the most important thing in the world. And if that thing is not going well, then it feels like your whole world is collapsing.

It's easier said than done for a natural worrier (like myself), but try to keep the amount of mental time you spend on this to a minimum, or at least productive - researching and organising, rather than frantically worrying. 

Health, relationships and joy first, then all the other things, then consumer debt is right at the bottom of the pile.

EssexHebridean

You can stop apologising - you honestly have nothing to apologise for, to anyone. Also have a think about the negative self talk as well - you keep referring to yourself as a "drainer" - would you tell a good friend who was in a bit of a panic about things and asking lots of questions that they were "being a drainer"? Nope - pretty sure you wouldn't - so you need to start being kinder to yourself. Nobody here sees you in that light - we're happy to help, as witness the replies you are seeing here. 

That last sentence from Kim above sums things up well. Priorities - all the way.  Anxiety is vile because it robs you of rational thinking - something I've found helps is to literally ask myself whether I have any basis whatsoever for my anxiety-thoughts, whether there is any evidence to back up the things that I'm convincing myself must be true. Invariably there is none, and that helps ground me back in reality. 

There are a few universally acknowledged "big things" in life - having a baby is one. Moving home is another. Please don't be tempted to put yourselves through one of those while you are still trying to find your way out the other side of the other - it's just going to be far too much stress to pile on top of the stress you are already experiencing. Get things set up to manage the debt first - so payments stopped, defaults in place, emergency fund built and then the DMP active, then review how you feel about everything else once the dust has settled. At the moment you would quite literally be rushing into an enormous life changing decision while you are not in your right mind. It may be that in 18 months or whenever you DO decide to move - but that will be a decision made in rational thought and not as a knee jerk reaction to a situation which is currently affecting your logical thinking. 

The thing to remind yourself is that if you tackle this right, you are not only equipping yourselves to never find yourself back in this position again in the future, you will also be able to give your children the tool kit to ensure that THEY don't ever end up in this situation, too. 

MFWannabe

eleanorl89 said:

Thanks guys. It wasn’t a good night, i apologise

i have been to the doctor about my MH who has referred me to talking therapies. I havent heard anything yet. They also suggested medication, but as i’m breastfeeding i declined as they said it can pass through to baby

The 2-3k was just for my share of things, roughly a quarter - we thought total would be somewhere around 10k

Neither of us are absolutely in love with the house. I think I failed to get across last night that the main reason he said he brought the house sale / move up was to reduce our outgoings. The mortgage at £1400pm seems excessive at this moment in our lives. So if we could move to somewhere more modest, perhaps we should?

So would the creditors be able to grab my equity if we did move (new house purchase in husbands name only) even if it was just at DCA stage? Or even if one of them had applied for a CCJ at that point.

My worry is that there is currently 45k equity in the property, so if we did sell and they did want it split equally between us (there is no official agreement in place that my husband has more equity despite us privately agreeing this) that’d be 22.5k each. Not including fee’s. At that point it’d stop another purchase as my husband wouldn’t have enough equity left to buy a suitable property in our area on his own. Due to his wage he would need more of a deposit to buy something solo

So yeah, my question is could my creditors legally go after all my equity released from a sale that could happen in the coming months (some of it would be earmarked by me to service the debts anyway) even if it was intended to be used for an onward home purchase? Or is the only way they can do that if they directly apply for a restriction / order of sale / statutory demand / bankrupcy etc (which I know all have been said to be very rare)

So i can inform him

thanks so much

Please please sit down with your husband and show him this site and the replies you’ve had 

Look at the debt free diaries of all the people who have been in same / similar and worse situations than yourself 

The process does work! It’s not quick but you absolutely must prioritise your home and your loved ones over debts 

MacNCheez

Hi Eleanor, 
I have been following your thread just wanted to give some words of encouragement and support. Although my only experience or expertise with debt management is my my own debt free journey, I just want to double down on what others have advised. You are not alone and you are NOT a bad person. This is manageable if the advice given by those on here are followed. There are many threads in this debt free wanna-be section of people who were is so much debt but have managed to get their way out of it or are on their way out, have a search, some figures people were fighting shocked me, but they have done it.

Your priority is your health, your family and staying calm (its hard I know, but panicking wont ever help). Making a plan, step by step, will help. Show your plan to your husband, this should stop his own panicking as it seems his looking for advice from other sources is conflicting, making the situation seem worse. You two are a team and you need him on board.

I found reading all the varying posts on this forum very helpful, I so wished I had known about this site when I was paying back 17k of debt 5 years ago. Reading these posts allow you to understand the ins and outs of the DIY debt management system very well plus these DIY DMP allow you FULL control with as little damage to your credit history as possible. 

 A lot of my debts got sold on to companies who sent me many many letters before I faced it and paid £10 a month until they were done, that's it. For some I was able to increase my payments as I got a better paying job. My defaults have since fallen off and I am now in a position to be able to get a mortgage...see, everything is fixable. I never would have imagined there was light at the end of the tunnel...but there is and everyone here will help you towards it.

I just wanted to give you a little bit of hope as I can see you need it. The people on here are so knowledgeable and can help you. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are a strong and wonderful woman who created two beautiful humans, what an amazing achievement! Getting your sleep and looking after yourself is so important to be at your best for your babies who need you, if you find yourself awake at night with your mind going crazy, try putting on an audiobook or something to focus your mind, just a suggestion as this helped me when I was in my loneliest darkest nights. 

Sending the biggest and tightest hug to you. Mac N Cheez x

** also i'm not sure if anyone has mentioned the possibility of full and final settlements later on down the line once things have settled as this may help OP with her view on the situation?? please ignore if not relevant. **

EssexHebridean

Mac N Cheez what a wonderful post - well done on your own DF journey and thank you for taking the time to be so reassuring to the OP here! 

ChampagneSupernova36

Good evening !

just reading through this thread and boy can I relate !!! The dread and fear of what’s going to happen if you don’t keep on top of all debts. First of all, and I echo the sentiment of other fantastic posters, you are absolutely NOT alone, it is no reflection of who you are as a person, your intelligence or whatever else. Absolutely anyone on earth can end up in your situation so don’t beat yourself up about it (easier said than  done I know).

I know I have said before on this forum that, looking back , I’d let everything default before going on a DMP… but that is simply a logistical point of view. For example , I’d have a cleaner credit file a year or so earlier if I had done. I used step Change for my DMP and they will pop u on a DMP pretty much immediately (which goes against a lot of advice here) but what is good about it , is that the threatening letters and calls etc all stop and it’s just one monthly payment to stepchange … and that’s it.

For me , the threats terrified me, even though they ‘mean nothing’ in practice, I didn’t exactly do wonders for my mental state. So, yes , starting a DMP before defaults may mean it takes a little long for your credit file to recover, I’d certainly recommend it for peace of mind!! If that sort of plan is going to make you feel better, then go for it.

The forumites on this website are absolutely terrific , and I’ve learnt more about finances from this site than I have from anyone else on the planet! Their advice is always the best, and I know it is VERY difficult to ignore things and your mind easily go into overdrive, worrying sick about the outcome.  Trust me, the absolutely know best and their advice is top notch BUT if you would feel better mentally on a DMP immediately, then it’ll still be making a dent into your debts. It feels like a mountain to climb but by making a start like you have and recognising the debts, you’ve done tremendously well.

i wish you all the very best , like almost everyone on this site, I know how you’re feeling and I can absolutely PROMISE you that it gets better. These are not empty words , your life isn’t over, this is a fixable problem and things can only improve going forward.

My DM is always open if you ever need a vent !!!! But definitely take heed of the amazing advice available on here. 

All the very best 

E

eleanorl89

@EssexHebridean @kimwp @MacNCheez

thank you for being so kind. I’ve really needed it in a time I am absolutely despising myself. Hopefully i’ll get over this feeling of shame, as rightfully so I would not want others to treat or talk about themselves this way. But self deprication is too easy & the quickest form of punishment I suppose

Im really struggling to understand how the process can be this simple & that there will be no serious repercussions. One day i’ll accept it, the next I won’t - hence my panic posts. I suffer with severe anxiety anyway (who’d have thought eh!) I need constant reassurance over things (i was diagnosed with HF autism as a child, so i don’t compute things ‘normally’ anyway)

I suppose I just want to put this to bed in my mind now as i’ve read so much that i’m confused

@fatbelly @sourcrates your advice has been invaluable thank you. And has actually calmed me at the right moments, unfortunately my thoughts become overwhelming at time & i do panic & seem to forget everything. So can i please just confirm -

- are my larger debts (natwest roughly 20k & barclaycard roughly 15k) any more likely to see court action ccjs etc quicker than a smaller debt because of the high amount. Or are they just as likely to be sold on to a DCA for me to self manage?

- to confirm, I am literally waiting for all debts to default & be sent a letter confirming this? Once the default letter / dca letter comes, i then get in touch with the relevant people to arrange to pay back what I can afford (if they haven’t gone straight to solicitors & ccjs)

It’s not the self managed DMP I’m concerned about. It’s court action / ccjs, restrictions on the house etc. The large debts I have, have me convinced this will happen quicker or is more likely to happen

I pray once I have these answers solidified in black & white after asking them specifically, that I will be able to calm myself somewhat & just carry on with the process & stop bothering all you amazing people on here

It sounds pathetic & very ‘woe is me’ i know people have much worse problems so who am i. But a massive thank you to everyone who has been so kind, you really pulled me back from the edge of a decision I would not have been able to take back when I was in such a vulnerable place as a new mother. Thank you thank you thank you

I don’t feel out of the woods yet, but I’m getting there & will hopefully be creating my own debt free diary in a few years

thank you & sorry
(sorry if this is all garbled again, i still havent slept which is fun LOOOL)

MFWannabe

sourcrates said:

All unsecured, non priority debts, you are not going to lose anything, your house is quite safe.

If legal action went as far as a charging order, as its a jointly owned home, only a restriction could be registered, so your house is perfectly safe, so put all thought of that out of your mind, try and relax, nothing bad is going to happen here.

Your best strategy is to let them all default and pay whatever you can afford to the collection companies that pick them up afterwards, see how things progress.

Honestly there`s no need to worry about any of this, it’s all easily dealt with.

OP your latest question has already been answered, as above 

kimwp

You're welcome Eleanor. We all need a helping hand from time to time.

Total credit card debt in 2023 was 1.2 billion according to this analysis (link below for reference) and it will be higher now. 60k is 0.005% of this, so it feels like a big amount to us, but it's teeny weeny to the banks. It's just admin to them, so try to view it that way too. Like any admin or other task, doing it carefully and with correct timing will make it cheaper for you (like waiting a few weeks for the sales to buy a coat, or doing food shopping so you don't need to get a takeaway when the fridge is empty), but it won't make any real difference in a couple of years time - you'll have been warm in your new coat, fed by the fridge or the takeaway and you'll be in whichever house you've chosen, with a bit of a damaged credit history, but no ccjs, orders on the house etc if you default and then pay what you can afford (or don't default and go through stepchange)

https://www.money.co.uk/credit-cards/credit-card-statistics