A Lifetime of Debt - F, 40s, autistic, parent, professional

backinbusiness

@thelibrarian11 - nothing useful to add just now, (at work), just chipping in to say I'll be following and subscribing with interest to follow your journey. You have a very engaging writing style. I wish you all the very best. Bib x 

thelibrarian11

Sarahwithlove said:

I think you already know where you need to start cutting back. Electronics and subscriptions. 

I see your husband contributes £1500 is this not all of his wages? If not why not? Have you allowed personal money for you both in the budget? 

budget? 

It's most of it, he doesn't earn much.

I put at the top "I am going to have my husband add this amount to my bank account, as he does this behaviour where he makes little payments on his games and on Amazon and transferring to his Dad without checking if any bills are due or telling me, and we get in a mess because of it and it really stresses me out and annoys me. It leaves him between 100-500 depending on how much overtime he does to mess around with himself. He has this special arrangement with his Dad, something like he gives him 100 a month over a year and he gives it back to him in the summer doubled, so we want to carry on with that."

Currently we have a joint account and I'm in the middle of closing it, I've asked for control over all of this and he was very happy to do it.

I would like him to look at developing his career and earning more, he's been on minimum wage for a long time, and as our kids get older he's got the opportunity. He's quite reluctant, this is a whole other story in itself. He has done a bit, he does overtime and has signed up with a second employer to do casual work for them on his days off, so he's thinking he should be increasing the amount of hours, but he's not addressing the amount of salary. Lots to unpack with that.

So he has personal money, and I want to just use all my freelance money as a separate thing that will act as my personal money, I'm expecting I'll average about 800ish a month this year, I will use this for christmas, birthdays, HMRC tax next year, and money for me - I've spent most of this for the year already on exactly those things but I've got more work booked and will likely get more. I've got my spiritual group thing in there specifically for me as well. 

Sarahwithlove

£500 a month spare for him seems alot if he does overtime as well. Really overtime money should be going towards the debt. Sounds like he could learn to budget a bit better as well. It needs to be a team effort, if you don't all get on board then you'll end up back here again in future. Maybe you'd be better off doing it other way. He gets a set amount a month and rest goes into household pot. 

thelibrarian11

Sarahwithlove said:

£500 a month spare for him seems alot if he does overtime as well. Really overtime money should be going towards the debt. Sounds like he could learn to budget a bit better as well. It needs to be a team effort, if you don't all get on board then you'll end up back here again in future. Maybe you'd be better off doing it other way. He gets a set amount a month and rest goes into household pot. 

That's a good idea actually, thankyou.

His twiddling around in our joint bank account really winds me up, I just want him to faff around in his own account so I can just not care about it, give him the bank account equivalent of a man shed! He did ask me what he will do if he has a lot of extra money some months, I think transfer me some extra to put away alongside my freelance, I wanted to budget as if he does no overtime so I know I can cover things every month, so it's like all our irregular income is going together in a pot.

Grumpelstiltskin

Food shopping £500. School dinners £150. Protein Shakes £100  that is £750 each month. That is horrendous, if you and your husband are using protein shakes every day and the children are having school dinners what do you spend the £500 on?

thelibrarian11

Grumpelstiltskin said:

Food shopping £500. School dinners £150. Protein Shakes £100  that is £750 each month. That is horrendous, if you and your husband are using protein shakes every day and the children are having school dinners what do you spend the £500 on?

I know right?! I do £100 as a monthly thing, we have 3 cats so I buy a month's worth of cat food, laundry and cleaning stuff, shampoo and shower gel and everything for the month, comes to £200 usually so I've cut £100 off it already. Then I stick to £100 per week food shopping, or I try to as this has been more than this every week until now. There was an incident where we went to the supermarket as a family and spent twice that, that supermarket shop in particular has triggered me really getting to grips with this and asking for more control over it all, I was livid! School dinners £5 a day each for my eldest. I've told them we are having a planned meal every night and sticking to that no matter what, and no one is to set foot in that supermarket with me ever again. I've got one child obsessed with slime and keeps squirting out the entire shower gel bottle when I'm not looking... stuff like that really pushes it up. I'm really standing up to them with this recently, and what I've put in this budget is a reduction on what we have been spending. I can tell them everyone on Martin Lewis's website agrees with me!!

Grumpelstiltskin

Don't know how old the children are but I am sure they are old enough to know money doesn't grow on trees

Buy the cheapest supermarket shower gel brands and try and keep it out of sight, if they complain tell them until they realize there are consequences to their actions they have to put up with what they have got..

I would be wary of buying snacks, especially expensive branded ones, again they should realize they  can't have everything and if they get a breakfast, a school dinner and then a cooked meal in the evening that should be enough.

thelibrarian11

Grumpelstiltskin said:

Don't know how old the children are but I am sure they are old enough to know money doesn't grow on trees

Buy the cheapest supermarket shower gel brands and try and keep it out of sight, if they complain tell them until they realize there are consequences to their actions they have to put up with what they have got..

I would be wary of buying snacks, especially expensive branded ones, again they should realize they  can't have everything and if they get a breakfast, a school dinner and then a cooked meal in the evening that should be enough.

You are right. We've not gone on holiday this year and I told them it was because they're doing all this, and if they want to go away next year it stops. I don't give them pocket money, so I'm planning on giving them it regularly and making them get stuff with that, rather than trailing my shopping trolley begging. I am so ready to be really mean about it!

Time2count

It might make more sense to get a delivery for the shopping either weekly/ fortnightly. That way you can stick entirely to the shopping list and the planned eats.
Also if 1 child wastes the shower gel etc then they have to surrender their pocket money for however many weeks it takes to cover the cost of the replacements.
With the £5 a day school meals, reduce that - packed lunch 3 days, school dinners 2 days. Or packed lunch every day and you'll put £5 on their card each week for snacks, if they want more then it comes from their pocket money.
I don't know how much cat food etc is but £200 a month for that plus cleaning/ washing stuff seems a lot. I tend to buy toiletries in savers, I spend about £40 a time but it easily lasts 6 months, admittedly there's only 2 of us but I'm sure you can cut that down.

thelibrarian11

Time2count said:

It might make more sense to get a delivery for the shopping either weekly/ fortnightly. That way you can stick entirely to the shopping list and the planned eats.
Also if 1 child wastes the shower gel etc then they have to surrender their pocket money for however many weeks it takes to cover the cost of the replacements.
With the £5 a day school meals, reduce that - packed lunch 3 days, school dinners 2 days. Or packed lunch every day and you'll put £5 on their card each week for snacks, if they want more then it comes from their pocket money.
I don't know how much cat food etc is but £200 a month for that plus cleaning/ washing stuff seems a lot. I tend to buy toiletries in savers, I spend about £40 a time but it easily lasts 6 months, admittedly there's only 2 of us but I'm sure you can cut that down.

He does like a packed lunch with the option to buy extra snacks, this would work, great idea, and I can put less on his account then.