Adapting to retirement

GibbsRule_No3.

pterri 

Yes you’re right of course. I’ll wait until I’ve jacked in work before deciding. I’d want a big town or city so would look a lot like London! Also London without owning a car is (where I am) a breeze. 

I would not want to live in a Central London Borough but Richmond, surrounded by parks, river, with pavements and excellent transport links for someone like me without a car and free tube, train and bus travel. I'd not move. Guess it is what people are used to. 

zagfles

jim8888 said:

zagfles said:

jim8888 said:

One thing that has struck me as I grow older is how hard it is to make real friends. I've more friendly acquaintances than I can shake a stick at, blokes I golf with, chat to in the pub to, go for walks with, see down the gym, banter on Whatsapp with - but my closest friends are still those I went to school with! Unfortunately they live in Scotland and I moved to England long ago....
One of the things I liked about work was that it also fostered friendships and I do agree with what the article says about men forming connections by tackling a task together, or working in a team. So many books and people will tell you that you have to get out there in retirement, join groups, join classes, join, join, join. I wouldn't disagree, but I still think there was something about school and work - perhaps that you HAD to go and do stuff that you might not choose to with a variety of people - that's missing in retirement. Hence you can drift and not really commit to anything or anyone in the way that you once had to. The only answer though, or so it seems to me, is to keep trying to make those connections, as the alternative - isolation and loneliness - doesn't bare thinking about. 

Well like with school, if you made real friends at work then retirement won't end the friendship. We still meet up with ex work colleagues who retired 15 years ago! And I intend to remain friends with lots of current colleagues after I've fully retired. Retirement gives you the opportunity to do new things and make new friends so it should expand your network of friends. Well it has in my case anyway. 

I'd agree, I still keep in touch with colleagues. Doesn't matter if you haven't seen them for 3 years, when you meet up it always seems like you saw them yesterday. What I wanted to express and stress was more the challenge of keeping in touch, or meeting new people. It always seems to me that the latter is presented as if it's as easy as falling off a log, to turn up as a "newbie" at a class or group. And it seems harder when you're older, especially for blokes. I find I really have to work at it and not be shy when it comes to asking to be included in an event, or asking someone if they'd like to meet up and play golf, go a bike ride, go for a walk, or whatever. I'm also lucky to be happily married too, and we both feel it's important to maintain independent social circles, but it seems to me women don't find it as hard to keep socially networked. Men need encouragement!

But it is as easy as falling off a log! At least I've found it is, and actually far easier than when I was younger. There's lots of clubs and groups that go out of their way to welcome new members. I don't really think it's too different for men and women, in fact in some ways women might feel more wary about going alone to a new group, or to someone's house who they've only recently met. 

zagfles

GibbsRule_No3. said:

pterri 

Yes you’re right of course. I’ll wait until I’ve jacked in work before deciding. I’d want a big town or city so would look a lot like London! Also London without owning a car is (where I am) a breeze. 

I would not want to live in a Central London Borough but Richmond, surrounded by parks, river, with pavements and excellent transport links for someone like me without a car and free tube, train and bus travel. I'd not move. Guess it is what people are used to. 

Unless your needs/interests are very specific any big town or suburban area would probably do - I'm in the Manchester suburbs but never need to travel into the city for anything I do regularly, got it all within a couple of miles of my house. 

SouthCoastBoy

GibbsRule_No3. said:

pterri 

Yes you’re right of course. I’ll wait until I’ve jacked in work before deciding. I’d want a big town or city so would look a lot like London! Also London without owning a car is (where I am) a breeze. 

I would not want to live in a Central London Borough but Richmond, surrounded by parks, river, with pavements and excellent transport links for someone like me without a car and free tube, train and bus travel. I'd not move. Guess it is what people are used to. 

Richmond is lovely IMO, but far too expensive for me to be able to live there though!

kimwp

SarahB16 said:

jim8888 said:

One thing that has struck me as I grow older is how hard it is to make real friends. I've more friendly acquaintances than I can shake a stick at, blokes I golf with, chat to in the pub to, go for walks with, see down the gym, banter on Whatsapp with - but my closest friends are still those I went to school with! Unfortunately they live in Scotland and I moved to England long ago....
One of the things I liked about work was that it also fostered friendships and I do agree with what the article says about men forming connections by tackling a task together, or working in a team. So many books and people will tell you that you have to get out there in retirement, join groups, join classes, join, join, join. I wouldn't disagree, but I still think there was something about school and work - perhaps that you HAD to go and do stuff that you might not choose to with a variety of people - that's missing in retirement. Hence you can drift and not really commit to anything or anyone in the way that you once had to. The only answer though, or so it seems to me, is to keep trying to make those connections, as the alternative - isolation and loneliness - doesn't bare thinking about. 

In an earlier post of mine I mentioned about voluntary work (and I don't mean helping out in your local Oxfam shop).  Public services have been cut back nearly everywhere and where I live there are lots of voluntary groups comprising primarily of slightly older people but definitely not all retired where they meet to tackle (i.e. litter) /improve (create green spaces) /save something (community buildings), etc.  

Is there a passion you have to make a difference doing something for the benefit of your local community?  Could you create your own group and look for volunteers and meet as often as is required.  This may give you the connections by tackling a task together that you are looking for.  

I read somewhere that the key to friendship was rituals. Not in a chalk drawings and candles way, but having regular things you do eg pub quiz on a Tuesday, park run and cake on a Saturday. 

I (and some people that became good friends) actually just said "would you like to be friends" in a very six year old sort of way (in our 30's) once we'd met and had a chat. 

You have to try lots of potential connections to find people you really click with - a bit like dating really.

Albermarle

SouthCoastBoy said:

GibbsRule_No3. said:

pterri 

Yes you’re right of course. I’ll wait until I’ve jacked in work before deciding. I’d want a big town or city so would look a lot like London! Also London without owning a car is (where I am) a breeze. 

I would not want to live in a Central London Borough but Richmond, surrounded by parks, river, with pavements and excellent transport links for someone like me without a car and free tube, train and bus travel. I'd not move. Guess it is what people are used to. 

Richmond is lovely IMO, but far too expensive for me to be able to live there though!

Yes MegaBucks to live there and very busy with cars, buses etc. 

katejo

pterri said:

Albermarle said:

pterri said:

zagfles said:

Yorkie1 said:

zagfles said:

Probably depends where you live - I've not used U3A but I've heard there's loads going on.

But that's another big decision with retirement - where to live. We did have half baked plans to move from the Manchester suburbs to a village by the sea, but that would have been a huge mistake, there is just so much stuff going on round here that we're spoilt for choice.

A couple of years before they retired, I remember my parents discussing whether to move from their urban location to some lovely village in the Cotswolds. It sounded idyllic, but they recognised that there would be fewer opportunities to do things. They also considered whether it would remain as idyllic when they got perhaps 10+ years older, needing to get into the car to access any shops or services, and perhaps no longer being fit to drive with only a weekly bus service. It had the potential to be very isolating as they got older.

I think a mistake some people make is thinking that retirement will be one long holiday, and so look to moving somewhere where they enjoyed holidays. But you obviously can't live your whole life like a typical holiday, and a location that's great for a holiday isn't necessarily great for living a normal life. 

I’m a Londoner, I’ve got a fairly standard 3bed Victorian terrace. It’s ‘worth’ 750-850k which is insane really. I’ve often thought about selling up and moving to a small town and having an extra few hundred £k to spend. Thing is I love London, I can grab a bus, tube, train, UBER or hire a Zip car to run chores (sold my car years ago). I was in Corfe last year and stayed at a lovley B&B run by a retired couple. Corfe is lovley but the B&B was on a road with no pavement, not very busy but a 60mph speed limit. So if you wanted to nip out for a loaf of bread it meant jumping in a car. Having everything within easy reach is not to be sniffed at. 

Just maybe worth pointing out there are a lot of alternatives inbetween living in London and a small village, where most things are still within easy reach.

Yes you’re right of course. I’ll wait until I’ve jacked in work before deciding. I’d want a big town or city so would look a lot like London! Also London without owning a car is (where I am) a breeze. 

I am also in London with no car and a 60 + Oyster

barnstar2077

zagfles said:

jim8888 said:

zagfles said:

jim8888 said:

One thing that has struck me as I grow older is how hard it is to make real friends. I've more friendly acquaintances than I can shake a stick at, blokes I golf with, chat to in the pub to, go for walks with, see down the gym, banter on Whatsapp with - but my closest friends are still those I went to school with! Unfortunately they live in Scotland and I moved to England long ago....
One of the things I liked about work was that it also fostered friendships and I do agree with what the article says about men forming connections by tackling a task together, or working in a team. So many books and people will tell you that you have to get out there in retirement, join groups, join classes, join, join, join. I wouldn't disagree, but I still think there was something about school and work - perhaps that you HAD to go and do stuff that you might not choose to with a variety of people - that's missing in retirement. Hence you can drift and not really commit to anything or anyone in the way that you once had to. The only answer though, or so it seems to me, is to keep trying to make those connections, as the alternative - isolation and loneliness - doesn't bare thinking about. 

Well like with school, if you made real friends at work then retirement won't end the friendship. We still meet up with ex work colleagues who retired 15 years ago! And I intend to remain friends with lots of current colleagues after I've fully retired. Retirement gives you the opportunity to do new things and make new friends so it should expand your network of friends. Well it has in my case anyway. 

I'd agree, I still keep in touch with colleagues. Doesn't matter if you haven't seen them for 3 years, when you meet up it always seems like you saw them yesterday. What I wanted to express and stress was more the challenge of keeping in touch, or meeting new people. It always seems to me that the latter is presented as if it's as easy as falling off a log, to turn up as a "newbie" at a class or group. And it seems harder when you're older, especially for blokes. I find I really have to work at it and not be shy when it comes to asking to be included in an event, or asking someone if they'd like to meet up and play golf, go a bike ride, go for a walk, or whatever. I'm also lucky to be happily married too, and we both feel it's important to maintain independent social circles, but it seems to me women don't find it as hard to keep socially networked. Men need encouragement!

But it is as easy as falling off a log! At least I've found it is, and actually far easier than when I was younger. There's lots of clubs and groups that go out of their way to welcome new members. I don't really think it's too different for men and women, in fact in some ways women might feel more wary about going alone to a new group, or to someone's house who they've only recently met. 

I too don't think it is harder for men especially.  I think it just comes down to how outgoing you are, and how willing you are as a newbie to admit to yourself and other people that you don't know what you are doing.

To anyone who finds it hard to make new friends or just isn't very outgoing, I would suggest smaller steps first to build up their confidence (I'm not saying anyone commenting here falls into that category.)

I would suggest just smiling and saying hello/good afternoon etc to people you pass as you go about your day.  Making small talk when you are at a till food shopping, or at a bus stop etc.  When you go to a new event, like a bowling club, archery etc, walk up to someone who just took their turn and say something like "You seem to know what you are doing, do you have any tips for a complete beginner like me?"  I used to be quite stony faced in these situations, but just by making a bit of an effort I have found that over time your whole demeanour will change and people will break the ice with you first, as you come across as more receptive to a friendly chat.

pensionpawn

We've been adapting to retirement gradually by increasingly reducing our hours over a number of years. This allowed Mrs PP to reduce stress at work and to spend more time running her club with her friends and pottering around in the garden which she loves. She's been fully retired for almost two years now. Two of our offspring have flown the nest, however being only 4 and 8 miles away we see them often and occasionally look after their pet cats / dog and support them in their interest etc. We also live in a nice town less than a 15 minute train commute from stunning Bath, which quite nicely offers everything we occasionally need from a city. All of the above are a natural "gravitational" pull away from work. I have followed her example over the last couple of years, looking to fully retire next Spring. My challenge is to avoid my workload shifting away from my employer to arriving from my wife! I have hobbies that even now I can't find the time to throw myself at fully and am quite looking forward to being totally in charge of my own time. However the thread running through the above, and the advice I give my colleague when they ask me about retirement planning, is to make sure you naturally have something to retire to. Something that you really want to do however work is getting in the way. If that isn't the case, although you may be fiscally independent, you may find yourself unsatisfied with your retirement. You need to find yourself telling people that you don't know how you found the time to go to work! I also advise against looking around to find things to do after retirement, as this too could lead to a hollow retirement. Why not try out new interests before you pull the trigger and if they become all consuming over a period of time, you know it's time to let go of work. We also like doing things together as well as being perfectly happy with allowing the other half to follow an interest that doesn't float your boat. I suppose that comes from knowing each other for almost 40 years now! 

westv

I am envious of those over 60 in London that get free travel wherever they want to go in the capital.