Adapting to retirement

SarahB16

jim8888 said:

One thing that has struck me as I grow older is how hard it is to make real friends. I've more friendly acquaintances than I can shake a stick at, blokes I golf with, chat to in the pub to, go for walks with, see down the gym, banter on Whatsapp with - but my closest friends are still those I went to school with! Unfortunately they live in Scotland and I moved to England long ago....
One of the things I liked about work was that it also fostered friendships and I do agree with what the article says about men forming connections by tackling a task together, or working in a team. So many books and people will tell you that you have to get out there in retirement, join groups, join classes, join, join, join. I wouldn't disagree, but I still think there was something about school and work - perhaps that you HAD to go and do stuff that you might not choose to with a variety of people - that's missing in retirement. Hence you can drift and not really commit to anything or anyone in the way that you once had to. The only answer though, or so it seems to me, is to keep trying to make those connections, as the alternative - isolation and loneliness - doesn't bare thinking about. 

In an earlier post of mine I mentioned about voluntary work (and I don't mean helping out in your local Oxfam shop).  Public services have been cut back nearly everywhere and where I live there are lots of voluntary groups comprising primarily of slightly older people but definitely not all retired where they meet to tackle (i.e. litter) /improve (create green spaces) /save something (community buildings), etc.  

Is there a passion you have to make a difference doing something for the benefit of your local community?  Could you create your own group and look for volunteers and meet as often as is required.  This may give you the connections by tackling a task together that you are looking for.  

zagfles

jim8888 said:

One thing that has struck me as I grow older is how hard it is to make real friends. I've more friendly acquaintances than I can shake a stick at, blokes I golf with, chat to in the pub to, go for walks with, see down the gym, banter on Whatsapp with - but my closest friends are still those I went to school with! Unfortunately they live in Scotland and I moved to England long ago....
One of the things I liked about work was that it also fostered friendships and I do agree with what the article says about men forming connections by tackling a task together, or working in a team. So many books and people will tell you that you have to get out there in retirement, join groups, join classes, join, join, join. I wouldn't disagree, but I still think there was something about school and work - perhaps that you HAD to go and do stuff that you might not choose to with a variety of people - that's missing in retirement. Hence you can drift and not really commit to anything or anyone in the way that you once had to. The only answer though, or so it seems to me, is to keep trying to make those connections, as the alternative - isolation and loneliness - doesn't bare thinking about. 

Well like with school, if you made real friends at work then retirement won't end the friendship. We still meet up with ex work colleagues who retired 15 years ago! And I intend to remain friends with lots of current colleagues after I've fully retired. Retirement gives you the opportunity to do new things and make new friends so it should expand your network of friends. Well it has in my case anyway. 

zagfles

Yorkie1 said:

zagfles said:

Probably depends where you live - I've not used U3A but I've heard there's loads going on.

But that's another big decision with retirement - where to live. We did have half baked plans to move from the Manchester suburbs to a village by the sea, but that would have been a huge mistake, there is just so much stuff going on round here that we're spoilt for choice.

A couple of years before they retired, I remember my parents discussing whether to move from their urban location to some lovely village in the Cotswolds. It sounded idyllic, but they recognised that there would be fewer opportunities to do things. They also considered whether it would remain as idyllic when they got perhaps 10+ years older, needing to get into the car to access any shops or services, and perhaps no longer being fit to drive with only a weekly bus service. It had the potential to be very isolating as they got older.

I think a mistake some people make is thinking that retirement will be one long holiday, and so look to moving somewhere where they enjoyed holidays. But you obviously can't live your whole life like a typical holiday, and a location that's great for a holiday isn't necessarily great for living a normal life. 

pterri

zagfles said:

Yorkie1 said:

zagfles said:

Probably depends where you live - I've not used U3A but I've heard there's loads going on.

But that's another big decision with retirement - where to live. We did have half baked plans to move from the Manchester suburbs to a village by the sea, but that would have been a huge mistake, there is just so much stuff going on round here that we're spoilt for choice.

A couple of years before they retired, I remember my parents discussing whether to move from their urban location to some lovely village in the Cotswolds. It sounded idyllic, but they recognised that there would be fewer opportunities to do things. They also considered whether it would remain as idyllic when they got perhaps 10+ years older, needing to get into the car to access any shops or services, and perhaps no longer being fit to drive with only a weekly bus service. It had the potential to be very isolating as they got older.

I think a mistake some people make is thinking that retirement will be one long holiday, and so look to moving somewhere where they enjoyed holidays. But you obviously can't live your whole life like a typical holiday, and a location that's great for a holiday isn't necessarily great for living a normal life. 

I’m a Londoner, I’ve got a fairly standard 3bed Victorian terrace. It’s ‘worth’ 750-850k which is insane really. I’ve often thought about selling up and moving to a small town and having an extra few hundred £k to spend. Thing is I love London, I can grab a bus, tube, train, UBER or hire a Zip car to run chores (sold my car years ago). I was in Corfe last year and stayed at a lovley B&B run by a retired couple. Corfe is lovley but the B&B was on a road with no pavement, not very busy but a 60mph speed limit. So if you wanted to nip out for a loaf of bread it meant jumping in a car. Having everything within easy reach is not to be sniffed at. 

eastcorkram

@jim8888

Great post. Sounds at least as though you already have the social circle set up. If I'm going to follow the advice about what you're supposed to do, join join join as you put it, then it's from a very low starting point! 

The things you mention, like golf, pub, gym etc, I don't do those things. There's zero social life at the moment. There's interaction at work of course, but only ever at work. I've never met anyone from work, outside of work. 

Now some of this is just circumstances, but a lot of it is just by choice. I'm useless at anything social, so just withdrew from it decades ago. So going into retirement this winter, I'll have to decide whether I make an effort, or whether the only interaction is with someone working on a till. I suspect it's going to be the former. There are a couple of voluntary projects locally, that I currently support financially, that I'd quite like to join in with once retired. So I'll probably start with that, and hopefully it will lead to other stuff.

Nebulous2

pterri said:

zagfles said:

Yorkie1 said:

zagfles said:

Probably depends where you live - I've not used U3A but I've heard there's loads going on.

But that's another big decision with retirement - where to live. We did have half baked plans to move from the Manchester suburbs to a village by the sea, but that would have been a huge mistake, there is just so much stuff going on round here that we're spoilt for choice.

A couple of years before they retired, I remember my parents discussing whether to move from their urban location to some lovely village in the Cotswolds. It sounded idyllic, but they recognised that there would be fewer opportunities to do things. They also considered whether it would remain as idyllic when they got perhaps 10+ years older, needing to get into the car to access any shops or services, and perhaps no longer being fit to drive with only a weekly bus service. It had the potential to be very isolating as they got older.

I think a mistake some people make is thinking that retirement will be one long holiday, and so look to moving somewhere where they enjoyed holidays. But you obviously can't live your whole life like a typical holiday, and a location that's great for a holiday isn't necessarily great for living a normal life. 

I’m a Londoner, I’ve got a fairly standard 3bed Victorian terrace. It’s ‘worth’ 750-850k which is insane really. I’ve often thought about selling up and moving to a small town and having an extra few hundred £k to spend. Thing is I love London, I can grab a bus, tube, train, UBER or hire a Zip car to run chores (sold my car years ago). I was in Corfe last year and stayed at a lovley B&B run by a retired couple. Corfe is lovley but the B&B was on a road with no pavement, not very busy but a 60mph speed limit. So if you wanted to nip out for a loaf of bread it meant jumping in a car. Having everything within easy reach is not to be sniffed at. 

I'm slightly reluctant to say it - as  conspiracy theories abound, but the concept of the 15 minute city appeals to me. I've cycled a lot, and having most resources to hand seems ideal. 

My parents retired to a village and over a 15 year timespan many key services closed. It was disheartening and frustrating for them, as they had chosen carefully based on facilities they wanted. 

We've gone from a city to a market town, and hope it has enough people to keep much of it's infrastructure. Anything we've lost in facilities we feel we've gained in open air and green space. 

sgx2000

eastcorkram said:

@jim8888

Great post. Sounds at least as though you already have the social circle set up. If I'm going to follow the advice about what you're supposed to do, join join join as you put it, then it's from a very low starting point! 

The things you mention, like golf, pub, gym etc, I don't do those things. There's zero social life at the moment. There's interaction at work of course, but only ever at work. I've never met anyone from work, outside of work. 

Now some of this is just circumstances, but a lot of it is just by choice. I'm useless at anything social, so just withdrew from it decades ago. So going into retirement this winter, I'll have to decide whether I make an effort, or whether the only interaction is with someone working on a till. I suspect it's going to be the former. There are a couple of voluntary projects locally, that I currently support financially, that I'd quite like to join in with once retired. So I'll probably start with that, and hopefully it will lead to other stuff.

I am very similar..
I am friendly with many many people
But am far happier on my own.
Always have been

Covid was an eye opener for me. 
Everyone around me seemed to be missing the social interactions

I was never happier.....Pottering around with just my close family

It will be interesting over the next few months (I retire this Friday) to see if I become more social, or less, over time...

LHW99

sgx2000 said:

eastcorkram said:

@jim8888

Great post. Sounds at least as though you already have the social circle set up. If I'm going to follow the advice about what you're supposed to do, join join join as you put it, then it's from a very low starting point! 

The things you mention, like golf, pub, gym etc, I don't do those things. There's zero social life at the moment. There's interaction at work of course, but only ever at work. I've never met anyone from work, outside of work. 

Now some of this is just circumstances, but a lot of it is just by choice. I'm useless at anything social, so just withdrew from it decades ago. So going into retirement this winter, I'll have to decide whether I make an effort, or whether the only interaction is with someone working on a till. I suspect it's going to be the former. There are a couple of voluntary projects locally, that I currently support financially, that I'd quite like to join in with once retired. So I'll probably start with that, and hopefully it will lead to other stuff.

I am very similar..
I am friendly with many many people
But am far happier on my own.
Always have been

Covid was an eye opener for me. 
Everyone around me seemed to be missing the social interactions

I was never happier.....Pottering around with just my close family

It will be interesting over the next few months (I retire this Friday) to see if I become more social, or less, over time...

Definately this. Maybe because I'm an "only" but I have plenty I enjoy on my own around where I live. I'm happy visiting and interacting with family, but with others outside - I can take it or leave it. There is a difference between being 'on your own' and being 'lonely'.

I'm not sure everyone (thinking social organisations) understands that.

katejo

jim8888 said:

One thing that has struck me as I grow older is how hard it is to make real friends. I've more friendly acquaintances than I can shake a stick at, blokes I golf with, chat to in the pub to, go for walks with, see down the gym, banter on Whatsapp with - but my closest friends are still those I went to school with! Unfortunately they live in Scotland and I moved to England long ago....
One of the things I liked about work was that it also fostered friendships and I do agree with what the article says about men forming connections by tackling a task together, or working in a team. So many books and people will tell you that you have to get out there in retirement, join groups, join classes, join, join, join. I wouldn't disagree, but I still think there was something about school and work - perhaps that you HAD to go and do stuff that you might not choose to with a variety of people - that's missing in retirement. Hence you can drift and not really commit to anything or anyone in the way that you once had to. The only answer though, or so it seems to me, is to keep trying to make those connections, as the alternative - isolation and loneliness - doesn't bare thinking about. 

I have been aware of this ever since I left school/Uni. Even there I wasn't the type of person who had a huge circle of friends who all knew each other. I just had a small number of good friends. I am still in touch with a few but none lives near me now and a couple of them unfortunately died very young. I am  a member of a walking/social   group and dance class  but I don't seem to get to know any of them well enough to meet up outside of the group activities. I get on well with current  colleagues but there is only one with whom I am realistically likely to meet up with once I stop work

Albermarle

pterri said:

zagfles said:

Yorkie1 said:

zagfles said:

Probably depends where you live - I've not used U3A but I've heard there's loads going on.

But that's another big decision with retirement - where to live. We did have half baked plans to move from the Manchester suburbs to a village by the sea, but that would have been a huge mistake, there is just so much stuff going on round here that we're spoilt for choice.

A couple of years before they retired, I remember my parents discussing whether to move from their urban location to some lovely village in the Cotswolds. It sounded idyllic, but they recognised that there would be fewer opportunities to do things. They also considered whether it would remain as idyllic when they got perhaps 10+ years older, needing to get into the car to access any shops or services, and perhaps no longer being fit to drive with only a weekly bus service. It had the potential to be very isolating as they got older.

I think a mistake some people make is thinking that retirement will be one long holiday, and so look to moving somewhere where they enjoyed holidays. But you obviously can't live your whole life like a typical holiday, and a location that's great for a holiday isn't necessarily great for living a normal life. 

I’m a Londoner, I’ve got a fairly standard 3bed Victorian terrace. It’s ‘worth’ 750-850k which is insane really. I’ve often thought about selling up and moving to a small town and having an extra few hundred £k to spend. Thing is I love London, I can grab a bus, tube, train, UBER or hire a Zip car to run chores (sold my car years ago). I was in Corfe last year and stayed at a lovley B&B run by a retired couple. Corfe is lovley but the B&B was on a road with no pavement, not very busy but a 60mph speed limit. So if you wanted to nip out for a loaf of bread it meant jumping in a car. Having everything within easy reach is not to be sniffed at. 

Just maybe worth pointing out there are a lot of alternatives inbetween living in London and a small village, where most things are still within easy reach.