Money Moral Dilemma: Should my husband stop lending money to his parents?

bikaga

Not enough information... is this impacting you in any way other than knowing your husband has loaned the money to his parents? 

primrose_penguin

This sounds quite strange to me, I can't understand why they want thousands at a time yet can find the money to pay you back, which is good. I remember years ago having to ask my Dad if he could lend me a small amount of money to move house because we had to move twice in a short period. I did not have the money to pay him back in one go or I would not have asked to borrow it in the first place, but we agreed a set amount a week which I paid until I had fully reimbursed him. It was the only time I asked him for financial help as I wanted to stand on my own feet. This seems to have become a habit with your husbands parents though, if they can afford to go out to restaurants and buy things they don't need why should your husband keep lending them all this money. If it is bothering your husband but he doesn't like to say no, then perhaps he needs to sit down with them the next time they ask, to find out exactly what they want it for and if it is not a necessity then perhaps he could give them some advice about creating a budget. Money is always a difficult subject to broach especially with family, he must have a good relationship with his parents if they feel they can ask him for money whenever they want it!! 

CrovieLass

life is too short...... if you have spare cash, then helping out family is a great way to use it, especially if it is being returned (albeit eventually).  Speak to your husband if you are unhappy about this.    

Agent57

"...always pay us back eventually, but not before going out to coffee shops and restaurants."

This is the problem with lending to friends / family.  Imagine if a bank manager saw a customer in a restaurant and said: "Disappointing to see you here as you have not paid off you car loan yet."   The answer would be "I am making my repayments on time and what I do with the rest of my money is none of your business."  The dynamic with family is different as presumably there was no formal repayment schedule.  If you want them to pay all the money back before doing any discretionary spending then you need to specify that up front.  Different people have different attitiudes to money.  Some of these conversations can be uncomfortable.

GrandmaJane007

The kindest thing to do, to preserve the important relationship,  would be to suggest that both you and your parents go to a budgeting workshop as they are valuable whether you are having financial struggles or are are financially stable. You would be surprised how helpful they are! CAP (Christians Against Poverty) run them in most local areas. You may find you can save, with small changes, and afford an extra holiday or even give something to a charity you support? 

MattMattMattUK

I take the view that lending money to anyone is almost never a good idea, especially if you do not know the exact reasons why you they need to borrow the money and what they will do to make sure it does not happen again. It almost always ends up with one, but usually both parties resenting the other.

I have lost a friend (and money) because I lent him money, I know others who have had the same situation (with different people). 

With family it can be different, but in a situation described in the OP, habitual poor money management from the parents in law I would not be lending to them and I suspect neither will any financial organisation. 

Sea_Shell

CrovieLass said:

life is too short...... if you have spare cash, then helping out family is a great way to use it, especially if it is being returned (albeit eventually).  Speak to your husband if you are unhappy about this.    

But not if you feel they are not doing "their bit" in even trying to live within a budget, or refuse to engage with any discussion around budgeting.

People have very different ideas of what their PRIORITIES should be.   

Some just don't worry about buying that meal out, or upgrading their phone, if they can just ask to be bailed out, rather than save in the months they do have spare, for those they don't.  


It's frustrating... to say the least.   

MeanDean

His parents are allowed to have a coffee, go to restaurants, buy things they don't need (though buying things you don't need is generally a quick dopamine hit to fix an unfulfilling life), but if they pay you back eventually, that means they are just poor at controlling their finances. If the loans are for bills, then maybe, for a month or two, they should tighten their belts (mainly stop buying things they don't need) to build sufficient funds to pay their bills without borrowing. Get out of the circle of borrowing they seem to be in. Perhaps your husband could have a conversation with them and help them to be in more control of their finances. It seems what they need is guidance.

MattMattMattUK

Sea_Shell said:

CrovieLass said:

life is too short...... if you have spare cash, then helping out family is a great way to use it, especially if it is being returned (albeit eventually).  Speak to your husband if you are unhappy about this.    

But not if you feel they are not doing "their bit" in even trying to live within a budget, or refuse to engage with any discussion around budgeting.

People have very different ideas of what their PRIORITIES should be.   

Some just don't worry about buying that meal out, or upgrading their phone, if they can just ask to be bailed out, rather than save in the months they do have spare, for those they don't.  


It's frustrating... to say the least.   

Annoyingly I am stuck with someone like this in one of my businesses, for some reason he just cannot be sensible with money. They have a household income in six figures, yet he continually runs up debts, regular demands to take money out of the business (at a level which would negatively impact cashflow), constant complaints of "you don't understand", when he tries to explain his finances, which never add up. Their lifestyle is not extravagant, but they are just awful with money in so many way and cannot see that there are better ways to both manage their finances (he operates a "budget", but it is missing more than half of their expenditure) as well as ways to cut back on their hugely wasteful expenditure. He just does not get it and it took me quite some time to accept that he never will and that neither I, the company accountant, or the financial adviser he employed to look at his finances will be able to make him understand or change. 

I am the same as you, I find financial incompetence frustrating to start, but even worse are people who refuse to change and then expect other people to bail them out and/or pick up the pieces. 

Greengirl24

It sounds like they have always had problems with money management and so your husband has learned from their mistakes and he now has a surplus ! But unfortunately has become helper and  enabler  to his parents' dependency addiction. They are equating money with love.