Money Moral Dilemma: Should my husband stop lending money to his parents?

Pruberry

Is it just you who has a problem with this, or does it bother your husband too? And in what way is it a problem? Are you struggling with cashflow yourselves, or perhaps concerned about loss of interest you could be earning? Or is it only the principle you object too? I agree that you and your husband need to discuss and reach agreement on this. If you both feel that the lending should stop, your husband should give his parents advance notice, e.g. "our costs are shortly going up because of x y z and I won't be able to lend in future." Don't wait until they ask, and then refuse. And certainly don't tell them how to live, nor offer to teach them to budget. They are adults.

Emerion

A crisis is one thing, but after several loans it’s starting to sound more like they are a convenient cash cow for when life isn’t quite totally perfect.  People should try very hard to avoid putting family into an awkward position with money, because it’s hard to say no to family, and that isn’t fair if it isn’t really needed.  It’s worse if the lender isn’t single, because I don’t think many of us would be delighted with feeling that we’re going out to work partly in order to support an in-law, who doesn’t even really need it. That could could cause serious trouble in a marriage. 

LibbyH

You don't say how old the parents are but from my experience of getting sick, friends in their 50s and 60s dying I wouldn't begrudge them the odd coffee or meal out. You say they do eventually pay you back and no doubt you'll inherit from them when they pass on?

neilmorgan

We simply don't have enough information to give any informed advice.
However it does raise a thought.
It's relatively easy to budget if you have a steady income and can save. If you are on benefits this concept becomes screwed up. Having savings can reduce your benefits to nothing. The government actively encourages the less well off to spend what they have and borrow when they need it. Ideally with a zero interest loan.
Overall you can be much better off by not saving for a rainy day. The world's gone mad.  

dirtmother

It's all paid back until the day it isn't (and that might come through no fault at all of the borrowers)

And one reason that it is doing a favour to them to move towards not lending money is precisely the scrutiny that demonstrably comes from intra family lending.

The psychotherapist and Agony Aunt Philippa Perry says "If it is between resentment and guilt, choose guilt"

JayD

I would say that, if this is bothering you so much, you need to discuss that with your husband. Clearly, he either is not as bothered as you, or else he needs guidance in tackling the situation and you need to explore ways that he might be able to do this tactfully..

As you say, they always eventually do pay he loan back, but that has not helped you to come to terms with this .dilemma'. But, if it is not financially affecting the way you and your husband's choose to live, and your husband is quite happy with the situation, then you must surely let the matter rest and not let it continue to bother you.

[Deleted User]

Your in-laws ask for a loan, then can afford the odd outing whilst saving to repay the loan, and they do this on a regular basis, so it obviously is not a hardship to save and pay back. 

So, they don't need the loans, what they do need is educating to save for their expenditure, so they don't need to ask for a loan. 

It doesn't matter if you can afford to indulge them, or if you mind, none of us should trade on the good nature or affection of others.  They need to accept responsibility and show independence.  It's what we teach our children, it isn't an indication of a lack of care, but the opposite, it's how we show our love and teach them to be decent citizens. 

Time for a delayed lesson for the spoilt, irresponsible parents.

1Anon1

When you discuss this  - try to do so 'in a spirit of cooperation' not confrontation/ultimatum.

If it's his money he's lending then it's his to do with as he chooses - but it should not impact your joint spending/saving decisions.

If it's 'joint' money (yours and his) then you are perfectly entitled to say that you are ok/not ok with it.

mallymal

Fully understand that you don’t want to carry on doing this.
not sure how old they are, but if they died, you might be in an awkward position.

So if you decide to have the conversation, it will only ruffle the feathers if you tell them to “stand on their own 2 or 4 feet”.

just say that with soaring energy prices etc, you don’t have the spare cash to lend them now.

SStitanic

Careful..they might cut you out of the will.