Money Moral Dilemma: Should my husband stop lending money to his parents?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My husband has lent a substantial amount of money - in the thousands - to his parents on a few occasions now. They always say it's to pay bills, so he feels obliged. To be fair to them, they do always pay us back eventually, but not before going out to coffee shops and restaurants and constantly buying things they don't need. Should he keep lending them money, or should he tell them they need to stand on their own two (four?) feet and stop spending so much?

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Pollycat

What does your husband say to your 'dilemma'? 🤔
That would be the best place to start.

Even though our money is joint, my OH would never lend money to anyone without discussing it with me first.
And vice versa.

born_again

What would he say if you lent money to your parents?

Sea_Shell

I'd be wondering why their cashflow is so variable that one month they need help, but then can seemingly pay it back, eventually.

So I'd offer to help with a budget before offering any further cash.

If they won't fully engage with that process...bank closed!!

If they then have a genuine unforeseen cash emergency, that would then be a separate decision to lend or not.

CapeTown

So they always pay it back. Just let this go. They clearly brought up a chap who is kind and loves his parents.  

Qwertybaz

If they pay it back, why is it a problem?

Mark_d

It sound like the parents are using the money for occasional costs (maybe roof repairs etc.) as opposed to regular bills (eg. electricity).  Whilst I don't see the issue as overly critical, I would suggest that your husband offer advice to his parents to help them be smarter with money.  If my partner's parents became dependent on us, that wouldn't be in the best interests of their relationship with us.

Ultimately your husband's parents need to trim their regular spending and maintain an cash pot for occasional and unforeseen expenses.

Kerri23gan

Well it really comes down to what it is for, and would he have a 'dilemma' if you lent money to your parents/family. If you get it back eventually, no problem, but if you need it back within a specific timescale they must be told this. 

daz9643

My ex wife’s parents frequently came to us asking to lend them money, it caused so many problems. Her mum was unaware how big their debts were and she’d always be redecorating the house because she didn’t work and was bored, there was always new furniture which she said she’d picked up cheap from auctions or car boot sales but later found out most of it had come from Littlewoods catalogue. When we got married her mum offered to pay for the photos and wedding car and later her dad asked if we could pay as they couldn’t afford it. A few years later I realised something was wrong and my wife had been giving her dad £500 a month out of her ISA without telling me. I only found out after her dad died from another relative that they had also lent them money and never got it back so refused to again, plus my wife had a brother and sister who also refused to help them out, her brother didn’t even help pay towards the funeral costs, I paid the whole lot.

jedav

The manner in which you phrase your question is interesting:  "my husband has lent", "they pay us back eventually".  This implies that your husband is making the decision to lend money that belongs to both of you.

Do you feel that he should consult you before lending?
Can your joint finances bear the amounts and the indefinite repayment?
What happens if they can't repay at some time?

Have you discussed this with your husband?

It's nice to help people, especially family, if you can afford it but your question suggests that it is causing you concern.  He may have other insights to offer.  Talk with him about it with an open mind, sleep on it and let your subconscious do the work.

Grevster

At the very core of all such financial problems, is "cashflow". Both there's and yours. If your husband can comfortably afford to lend to his mum and dad, without unduly impacting your day to day cashflow and lifestyle choices, then provided you're happy that he continue to help, then it's not going to have any material financial impact on you. So, is the issue more emotional? i.e. he does it without first discussing with you etc.? If, however, it is impacting your cashflow and / or it is now becoming a bone of contention, then if his mum and dad are property owners, they could consider a Drawdown Lifetime Mortgage (DDLTM). This assumes they have no other liquid assets that they could alternatively draw upon. A DDLTM is a form of equity release. It comprises an initial release and a cash reserve. The initial release, in this case, would be a small sum, to fund their cashflow over the coming 12 months, and thereafter, they could draw on the reserve, as needed, to supplement their ongoing cashflow.