Redemption - The journey of a recovering gambling addict.

Egoberry

Hey LG, I just read your full diary in one go and wanted to say what an amazing achievement and very well done on all your hard work! 

Sad to hear the conversation with your wife did not go so well. I remember you mentioned she was looking at couples therapy early on in the process, did you ever get through with that? May be something to consider as it does sound like she still has resentment which must be very difficult on both of you.

Lonelygambler

I guess that wasting over £30k and lying about it for many years comes at a cost. 

The 6k cleared could have been a new holiday / days out. 

I should be thankful that she didn’t leave me. 

Sarahwithlove

It makes me sad that she can't celebrate the year of no gambling for you. It's a great achievement you should be proud of. It seems like you need to talk some more so she can find a way to move past it

Lonelygambler

Don’t feel sad. It is what it is. 

This journey is for me and I am appreciative my wife didn’t leave me when I owned my behaviour. 

Maybe once the debt has gone things will improve. We’re good as a couple our lives on the whole are ok. 

She’s processing it just as much as I am 

Lonelygambler

Back around 2011, I was debt-free, and we had our first mortgage on a great house. I had recently cleared a bit of credit card debt and was about to go out in town with my friends.

I remember that night vividly to this very day.

Earlier that day, I had popped into the bookies and turned £20 into £40 playing the machines. This was long before all the safer gambling changes. I did this in around three shops and came home with £120 in my wallet.

At that point, I thought I was unstoppable, so I joined William Hill online and linked my Santander Credit Card to my account.

I wanted to try and win another £100, so I deposited £100. I lost, then doubled my stake, doubled again, and kept doubling. I remember my mates calling me, asking where I was. It was at that moment I could have walked away, probably about £200 down. I lied and said I wasn’t feeling well and proceeded to lose over £6k.

I didn’t sleep that night, and my girlfriend (now wife) was away with friends.

I panicked. The next day, I went to my mum and had to borrow the money to clear the debt, paying every penny back over five years.

What’s even worse about this story is that we had a friend's wedding in Vegas about three weeks after this big loss.

I remember walking around, pretending to have a wonderful time, but agonizing over the losses back home—all for the sake of £100.

After that loss, it should have been the end. However, it wasn’t until last year that I truly took action with my addiction.

Sometimes, I feel that my salary has driven my gambling and previous spending into debt. I am extremely privileged to be able to earn what I earn, but the reality of the numbers has definitely impacted my spending and gambling over time.

If you know a gambler, make sure you check in with them.

This forum and my mum are the only people who know about this story. 

LG

londoner2019

We appreciate your honesty and candidness here on this forum. Hopefully you also find some solace in the great support you get on here.

Not the same at all, but some of what you say will resonate with many impulse buyers on here, whose urges may have led them down a financial black hole. I really like what you say that you were agonising over a relatively paltry sum, and that might have driven you further. That sounds familiar to me in terms of becoming a bit more self destructive as soon as I feel like I've lost control of my monthly budget, for instance. I'm already behind, so sod it, I'll buy more things.

We don't know your relationship (and nor should we), but what we want to say is that everyone needs support on their journeys, including yourself. So while you're grateful for her not leaving you as you say, we worry about you taking this burden of tackling an addiction on your own.

Lonelygambler

Gambling has such a grip over me at times. It feels like the concept often has its hands around my neck suffocating me. 

Some days are good some are not. 

It would be great if my wife was my biggest cheerleader, however that’s not my wife. Over 10 years of marriage and together for nearly 20. 

This is journey of reflection. 

I also had bad history of using credit examples: 

I remember being 18 and getting a HMV storecard I think I had a like £250 limit. I used to spend £20-40 a week on records and cds, I went to uni and just paid the minimum for probably the entire uni length! 

Buying a 50 inch TV back in 2013 on buy now pay later. I never paid later and I dread to think how many months I paid £22 

Thankfully now all my credit is on 0% and I haven’t spent any money on myself for over a year, which shows I do not need anything. 

So - Yeah who remembers store cards? 

HopefulRecovery

Hi LG,

I don’t know how I stumbled upon your diary but have read all the journey so far and it strongly resonates with me.

I have a gambling addiction which has ruined the lives of my family and me.

You had the strength to stop and should feel extremely proud of the last year. My story is an example of how things could have gone if you didn’t have the strength to stop.

My recovery began last Summer and despite one early blip I am 200 days gamble free.

A couple of days after I was served with a civil court order in July 2024, I was on the verge of taking my own life. My wife and family didn’t know about my addiction or the crime I had committed to fund my gambling until the court papers were hand delivered to me late that Friday evening in July last year.

I am grateful for the amazing organisations and people who have picked me up off the floor and for the support from my family who deserve better.

There is still so much uncertainty and a lot of suffering to come but I am not gambling and feel so much better for it. For years, my mood was defined by millimetres in a horse race or a controversial decision in a football match and my only concern was how I could fund my betting account. Any money I could access I would spend on gambling. I am ashamed to have stolen from my family and former employer.

Less than 12 years ago I was happy, ambitious and had just qualified as an accountant. I had the foundations to achieve good things in life. Instead, what has happened since I was allowed to remove a self-exclusion is years of destruction which finally exploded last Summer.

I am being pursued civilly and criminally and will go to prison for my crime making my wife and daughters homeless in the process. I am ashamed and embarrassed where gambling took me. I was never going to stop until I reached rock bottom, and I wish I’d shown the strength and motivation you have shown over the last year to beat gambling. Well done!! I know what an achievement it is!!!

alt80

Hope you’re doing ok mate. Big congratulations on the year but it can be a really tough time- are you checking in with the pros? 

None of my business of course but I do think that your wife would also benefit from the pros too

Lonelygambler

Evening all—time for an update.

Positives

• No gambling for over a year.

Negatives

Lately, my mind has been all over the place, and finding balance feels like an uphill battle. I've made huge strides in clearing a significant amount of debt, but at what cost? Despite earning a good salary, I feel like I’m just existing to pay bills—nothing more. Life feels a bit dull, repetitive, and exhausting.

Even though I haven’t gambled, it still takes up too much space in my head. It’s like my mind has been rewired by the addiction, and no matter how much time passes, I can't seem to shake it. I’m free from the act, but not from the thoughts.

Financial Update – An Expensive Month

This month has hit particularly hard:

• Birthday party & gifts

• Two new passports

• House repairs

• Nursery bills increasing – Now over £1,150 a month! My eldest finishes in July, but my youngest is being moved as they can’t meet his needs (EHCP is in progress—he’s disabled).

• Energy bill overpayment

Where I'm At

Honestly? Just feeling a bit meh about it all. The weight of finances, responsibilities, and the mental toll of gambling recovery is draining. My wife has been incredibly supportive, but I know the money situation frustrates her too.

Trying to keep going, one step at a time.