Redemption - The journey of a recovering gambling addict.

Lonelygambler

We’ve made it to February. January was a hard month for my mental load. I gambled a lot during these months last year and I’m thinking about it a lot  

I’ve managed to completely clear my instagram cookies so no mode gambling videos! 

Money is the same. Not much to update £1000 towards debt. 

A few extra bills coming up 

boiler service 
guttering fixed 
new passports 
sons birthday party 

LG

Cara_

I've been following your diary. Well done on paying off a £1,000 this month.

You are doing really well to remain gamble free and should be proud of yourself.

mark55man

well done LG - progress when its really hard going is most impressive.  Things will get back going on the money front once Xmas and any spring to do list items are clear.

Lonelygambler

Slight update. 

Just wanted an episode of Industry and one of main characters is a gambler and spends a binge night out. 

This has hit me too hard and I feel I have adrenaline pumping through my veins and I want to vomit. 

Not good. 

LG 

Lonelygambler

So nearly an hour after and I feel like I’m able to regulate and bring down my breathing and heart rate. 

Sat and watched the episode with my wife. We did not say a word until the end as we both went that was intense…

I’m not a user of this forum to update on daily spends, rather a point of reference for updates on debt or a place to offload. 

I’m coming up to a year without a gamble. It’s been a brutal this month as this time last year I was spending a lot of time gambling. Avoiding the reality of the world at the time. Thankfully no gambling has happened and things on the whole are positive 

I have a stable well paid job 
I have a house 
I can pay to heat the house 
I can pay to eat 
I can pay to take the children out 

Therefore I know I am in a much better position that so many people and I do not take it for granted. 

Gambling has made me greedy, it has made it want more without understanding what we have is more than enough 

I used to chase the adrenaline rush. I have done lots of things in my life for that rush and that is what I need to address. How do I get that rush now, working out I guess. It’s not the same though and this episode has brought on a lot of feelings that has spiked my adrenaline and I’m all over the place. I’ve just emptied the bins, put washing away and paced around downstairs. 

I’m writing this to try and bring my levels down and able to focus on my breath without my heart rate pumping through my chest. 

This is what being a compulsive gambler has done to me. Soon I will be debt free and look back at this with memories. I’m not sure I’ll ever be free of this illness and what it brings me in the future. 

I’m worried it will be passed onto my boys. This is one thing that really truly scares me.. I hope by the time they are adults we as society have outlawed gambling completely. 

Feeling better now. 

The episode I’m talking about is here. 

It’s spicy and intense. I can relate to the gambling but not the fighting. 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m0023j2v/industry-series-3-4-white-mischief

in_need_of_direction

Just keep using the forum for whatever works for you.  You are doing so well. Your wife must be particularly proud after watching that show with you.

bubblycrazy

Well done for sharing your thoughts here, and for finding ways to release some of the adrenaline. Could you purchase a punching bag maybe? 

KeepOnKnitting

Last night was really intense for you @Lonelygambler. Sounds like one of the hardest days you have had since starting this journey.

I hope this morning the adrenaline has cleared. It's obvious you love and value your family and are proud of being able to provide them with a safe and stable home.

New_in_the_fens

Sitting with uncomfortable feelings is hard. You are very brave dealing with such intense exposure. 

For the future, have a think about whether that’s the right thing for you. There is no shame in saying ‘this is triggering for me and I’m switching it off’ if that is the right thing to do. 

I also second the idea of a punch bag or some other activity that will help bring the rush to a conclusion in a safe way. 

You’ve done so well. You should be really proud of yourself. Take care and enjoy Sunday. 

mark55man

well done - one day at a time - hopefully you are due a few easier ones for a while

I wasnt here when you were struggling - but with you in spirit always, and you did it by yourself anyway